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PostPosted: Tue May 01, 2018 1:11 pm 
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Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2016 6:21 pm
Posts: 10
I hope this is OK to post on this forum.

My head and thinking is very distorted and messed up right now - so I will try to keep this short and simple and will not try to explain my full story...but just keep it to what is after happening.

Basically, I have been struggling to say the least. I have sober from drink for 5 months and then over the last couple of day this sex addiction crossed a line that is quite scary and surreal. Its nothing illegal and no one has been harmed or anything like that...but its basically where sexually degrading content about myself is being exposed online - and I have no control over it. I don't know if its appropriate to say much more, but that is basically it in a brief nutshell.

My sexuality is so completely distorted and messed up. I am so lost and confused and just am so scarily self destructive when it comes to sex and sex addiction. This sex addiction want complete destruction of me, my self respect, my soul......everything. It has been so insidious and slow yet extremely powerful and gathering a lot of ground.

Im so very scared.

I have tried RN and 12 step programmes but have never seen either one through to completion. I have never really fully accepted that I have a genuine sex addiction. Its been so slow and just insidious, its weird. But now am looking around and seeing it has blocked and destructed and ruined and distorted so much of my thinking, my feelings, my life.........and now with this line crossed, it has taken me one step deeper into its dark pit of total just......death ultimately. This will kill me, it feels so dark.

I feel sick, I feel numb, I feel terrified....Im trying so hard to get my life together and things were going well recently, I was feeling good and college was going OK and I was taking care of myself.....and now in the space of a couple of day I am just a mess....and dont know what to do....I can barely eat. And I still need to communicate with this person and hope they will remove this content and let me be.

I am going to go to an SAA meeting tonight. Not that agree with either SAA or here or anything I just need help and support cause I am so very just........I can;t believe what is happening to me through this addiction. This is not me, this cannot be who I am , this cannot be where my life is headed.

Apologies if this was not the right place to post this or if it was inappropriate.

Thank you.


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PostPosted: Wed May 02, 2018 3:46 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3767
Location: UK
Hello free2fly

Quote:
I hope this is OK to post on this forum.


of course it is OK
this is the very reason that the forum is here

Quote:
My head and thinking is very distorted and messed up right now

OK then you need to slow down calm down and then slowly get your head together and thus your life back on track
perhaps you could talk to a parent, a sibling a friend, a priest, they will listen and hopefully help, but if you feel that this is too close to home then do seek professional help

asking for help is not a weakness it is a strength

OK you have not gone into detail but I gather that some negative revelation regarding your sexual activity has gone into the public domain, for sure and I do not wish to minimise here, this will be painful, shameful and embarrassing, but it will not destroy you, you can overcome, you are doing well in your education hence should be starting out in life with a positive outlook, you are better than you believe that you are right now

please seek that help

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun May 06, 2018 11:21 pm 
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Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2016 6:21 pm
Posts: 10
Thank you Kenzo for your reply, it is much appreciated.

I am slowly but surely doing better. I was pretty much in the middle of a "binge" for want of a better word when posted that post. I was using a dating app looking for hook ups and engaging in cybersex, which I let completely take over my whole life for 4/5 days. One of those people I was communicating with was the one who posted material of me online and it was just getting quite intense as it seemed he was going to use it to have control over me. The content was quite humiliating and it just felt like I had stepped into an actual nightmare....and couldn't and wouldn't[i]get out[/i]

Thankfully they have taken that material down and amazingly are letting me be. We are no longer in contact and I feel quite lucky(?) to have gotten out of it with no marks as such...

However, I did then continue to meet with someone hours later and have unprotected sex outside. I was in the grip of this "binge" or "wave" and when it gets like that, in a crazy way, it felt it would only stop when the "monster" had been "fed".....I met two strangers who drove me to this place and I proceeded to have sex with one of them. I will now need to get an STD check. And for HIV it will be 3 months before they can test to know for sure. The person told me they were clean but I don't know. But that is what I do: anonymous, unprotected and sometimes dangerous sex that lacks any self respect....and yet, the high it produces when I come back alive....lasts for a couple of days.

Since that encounter two days ago I have been able to delete the app, remove my account from sexual hook up sites and stop engaging in cybersex. Although there was resistance along the way of course. And come 2/3 weeks...the "monster" will be getting hungry again....

I have been attending online meetings for SLAA and Refuge Recovery. I also attended a face to face AA meeting and met with my AA sponsor to go through the steps and have been reading on here too. I've tidied my room, done my laundry, practiced some meditation and got some bits in town etc. Simple things. I am now going to try and do some college work even though I feel just too wiped out from this sexual dysfunction to even attempt anything other than simple daily tasks.

I haven't really been using RN last few months (clearly!!) but I am going to continue with my lessons. I really don't feel it would be helpful to start all over again....or maybe I should?? I just feel at this stage, the best I can do at the moment, is pick myself up and keep going. I'll re-read my answers/posts so far and edit what I feel needs changing etc...

I'm also going through the 12 steps of AA and attending meetings purely just because I can attend face to face meetings etc and feel connection in person - and just I feel AA works for my drinking at the moment) I have struggled with my recovery from sexual dysfunction, alcohol addiction and some drug issues for 7 years now....and I suppose I don't know what else to do, other than keep trying. It's when I give up trying that "it" has won. I know I can heal from this, I know I have it in me to beat this......I know I can do this deep down.

Because weirdly, as much as my life has been getting damaged and destroyed by addiction and these "binges"....I have also been clawing my way through a college degree and in ways, I do have a life that is worth living and have tried so hard to build up (barely)...and during times of sobriety I have really got a taste and glimpse of a life that I never thought I could have. One of contentment, peace, happiness, feeling normal, energy, passion, excitement, pleasure from simple things.....aw god like, its possible!!!!!! I have touched on it and its there to be had.

There is a chance I could be moving abroad to a new country to begin a Masters Programme next fall. This would be amazing. However, it is not set in stone and there is still a lot to do between now and then to actually make it happen. But it has been offered and it is in the pipeline and could be a reality.

I am about to turn 30 soon as well. My 20's have been marked by a massive battle and struggle between all these conflicting sides of me and unhealed wounds and total self destruction. I really do not want this next chapter or decade in my life to resemble the complete self hatred and annihilation of my life that has been these last 12/15 years.

So yea, wow, that all came out there. And honestly I could actually keep typing and typing because there is a weird clarity with me at the moment after these last few days. I actually have a lot to share and write and I need to get it out, there is so much shame and my sexual practices are built on shame. And it is bursting to get out of me. I have kept it all so private and to myself and I suppose it will come out one way or another.....either through a way that is completely self destructive like those pics/vids online etc.....or through a way that is constructive and healing, like RN. So yes, will write it out of me over next few weeks and continue my path with this programme here on RN.

But yes, for now Kenzo thank you for your response! Again, much appreciated. This site is a great resource and to all the workers and supporters on here, a huge thank you.


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PostPosted: Mon May 07, 2018 5:05 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3767
Location: UK
Hi f2f

great to hear that you are feeling better
however
you need to make some choices/ decisions
what is important to you?
Quote:
I really do not want this next chapter or decade in my life to resemble the complete self hatred and annihilation of my life that has been these last 12/15 years.


you and you alone can choose , yes you have choice
choose wisely and choose now
is sex that important?
would you really die for sex?



Quote:
I haven't really been using RN last few months (clearly!!) but I am going to continue with my lessons. I really don't feel it would be helpful to start all over again....or maybe I should??


RN is not a quick fix all solution but it does provide a guideline opening us to think
do you want to think, I believe that you do , so please do so

make that choice

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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