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 Post subject: Firm Commitment
PostPosted: Tue Dec 11, 2018 9:16 am 
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Joined: Tue Oct 17, 2017 11:22 am
Posts: 293
The word commit/commitment appears 19 times in lesson 1.

Quote:
Should you fail to permanently recover from your addiction, it will be due to your inability to fully commit to recovery


I've been doing some heavy reflecting on what firm commitment truly means. It was a concept that, at the beginning of my recovery, I did not fully understand. As I look at those members that have not yet been able to access the true fruits of recovery (whether or not they complete the program is just a symptom), I wonder if this is an area where they got off track.

I often find myself going back to Coach Jon's Essay on "What to Expect in Early Recovery". Doing so provides a valuable roadmap that I imagine many can relate to. As a highlight:
Quote:
One aspect unique to those who achieve success in recovery is their attitude relating to this initial commitment. In an unhealthy recovery, their commitment is tied to numerous external events (e.g. social/personal pressure, life salvageability, consequence resolution, their desire to give up control/responsibility for their actions, etc.) Consistently, those whose recovery evolves into a healthy, lifelong transformation have found that when they committed themselves to changing, it was an internal event. Their motivation for recovery was based on the recognition that they wanted to change — not because they had to.


I felt that the community may benefit from opening up about this topic. So, the question.

Regardless of where you are in your recovery, what does firm commitment mean to you?


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 Post subject: Re: Firm Commitment
PostPosted: Wed Dec 12, 2018 2:48 am 
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 366
Great question Anon!

I often find that it is difficult to see the wood for the trees when thinking about sex addiction as our brains are well tunes to playing tricks with us to avoid us finding logical ways of not acting out. Instead, if I look at analogies elsewhere it brings me more clarity. If I think about an athlete waiting for the gun to go off as he stares down the track in the 100m Olympics final and then moments later he crosses the line to take his first gold medal I know that most people would look at him at that time and feel envious that he has just achieved that. What we see at first glance is 10 seconds of effort that has given him something wonderful but what we don't see is the considerable effort that has gone into him being able to deliver at that moment in time when he most needed it. Behind this is years of very hard work to get himself into the best condition possible. He will have made personal sacrifices where he has got up at the crack of dawn on cold, wet and windy mornings day after day to train whilst we are all tucked up in our warm beds, he will have been away from loved ones whilst he trains elsewhere to do everything he can to give himself the best chance of success. He has clarity on what his goal is and has made a full commitment to do everything within his power to get there.

In Lesson 1 almost everyone talks of how fed up they are of feeling the way that they do through their addiction and make a firm commitment to change. The first few lessons are rattled off in a flurry but within the first several weeks the initial impetus starts to wane and then they disappear. Others keep coming back after a month or so with renewed commitment but often also then fade away again. These people are kidding themselves, they have no real commitment. Your post cites what you know to be my favourite CoachJon quote which stresses this very point, without a full commitment you will fail. If you put no effort into anything then you should expect failure. Recovery is hard work but it is achievable to all that are prepared to commit to the level of effort required to recover.

You and I have both been through the workshop and need to be on our guard for complacency which is our greatest enemy. We, too, need to ensure that we have a continued commitment to recovery which involves keeping everything fresh in our minds and being aware of what is going on around us. Is this still hard work? Well, yes, but I feel that as our learning becomes more and more engrained that the effort needed should decline and our new way of thinking will become more automatic. We all have good and bad days though and as our moods change due to what is going on around us at times we will experience a desire to improve our emotional state which makes us vulnerable to being faced with temptation. A commitment to recovery means doing everything we can to rid ourselves of our addiction on the bad days as well as the good ones.

We can all be gold medallists in our recovery process but without a full commitment many will not get past the heats and will miss the opportunity to achieve the very achievable that so many long for in Lesson 1. If you aren’t prepared to put the work into recovery then quite frankly you don't deserve to recover and you will be faced with struggles of urges, guilt, shame and remorse for the rest of your life. I say that a firm commitment to do what is necessary to give yourself a healthy life that is full of happiness and contentment is by far the better option and will be worth all of that effort.

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L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


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 Post subject: Re: Firm Commitment
PostPosted: Wed Dec 12, 2018 5:12 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3809
Location: UK
Quote:
Regardless of where you are in your recovery, what does firm commitment mean to you?


To me firm commitment is total commitment and as the two words are mutually inclusive then one of them becomes redundant
Commitment is total or it is nothing, just as one cannot be partly pregnant commitment is either firm or it ceases to exist
Now I know that I am saying this from a position of strength and security as I know that my sex addiction is over and I am free, would I have been truthfully and confidently saying this circa 8 years ago ?
No

I was still partly in denial , partly in minimisation, definitely in fear of letting go of my crutch,
I believed that I was committed but I did leave gaps, perhaps not intentionally, perhaps naively, perhaps arrogantly, but gaps proving to me with my failings that my commitment was not as it needed to be
I addressed that, yes with the support of my ex and RN and in doing so I concluded as said earlier but make no excuses for repeating
Commitment is total or it is nothing
I made my choice, we all have that right, that ability and that duty to make our own choices
CHOOSE WISELY, but do CHOOSE

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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 Post subject: Re: Firm Commitment
PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2018 9:35 am 
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Joined: Tue Oct 17, 2017 11:22 am
Posts: 293
Was hoping to see more comments from the community, but I know that requires commitment. Zero judgment here, and hoping that this conversation helps others.

Kenzo said,
Quote:
I was still partly in denial , partly in minimisation, definitely in fear of letting go of my crutch,

This really resonated with me. IMO, commitment requires SURRENDER. Not surrender like, "i give up," or "i am powerless,". To surrender is not giving up the battle, it is identifying what you’re willing to give up so that you can experience what you need in order to blossom into your destiny. Are you willing to give up your addiction? Surrender requires letting go of the addiction completely. Surrender requires shutting the escape routes. It's closing the door on "if this recovery/workshop doesn't work, if she leaves me in the end, well at least I'll have my addiction..."

L2R said,
Quote:
A commitment to recovery means doing everything we can to rid ourselves of our addiction on the bad days as well as the good ones....

Indeed. The work is hard at the beginning as we remove the addiction from our identity. The work is hard when we are faced with triggers and urges. The work is STILL hard when things are going great and we are fighting off complacency.
Quote:
If you aren’t prepared to put the work into recovery then quite frankly you don't deserve to recover and you will be faced with struggles of urges, guilt, shame and remorse for the rest of your life. I say that a firm commitment to do what is necessary to give yourself a healthy life that is full of happiness and contentment is by far the better option and will be worth all of that effort.

Some hard words to read, but so incredibly valuable. To me, this communicates that commitment requires accountability and ownership. Two things that addicts really struggle with. We have to be willing to be responsible for our past and our choices. Accountable for our recovery and effort. And ownership of our addiction--that it's not some demon within us, but poor choices we make. Those are indeed scary. It brings me back to the concept of our values--as you look at your vision and your list of values, are they things that you'd be willing to fight for? Would you be willing to give up things to achieve your vision or values? If not, I think it's time to evolve it into something that you'd be willing to give up your addiction for.


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 Post subject: Re: Firm Commitment
PostPosted: Thu Dec 20, 2018 11:24 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3809
Location: UK
Anon wrote
Quote:
Was hoping to see more comments from the community, but I know that requires commitment.
Zero judgment here

:g: :g: :g: :g:
Mirroring my similar response in 62's question regarding love where I hoped to generate further community involvement by asking
Quote:
As addicts we know what love is
However do we respect, appreciate, honour , cherish even feel love(ed)


regarding Anon's further comment
Quote:
Zero judgment here
again she is exactly right, we here in this community do not and will not judge each other
However
Perhaps with regard to commitment we should judge ourselves, taking any positives from that self judgement to enhance or conceive commitment, without it we will remain as we are , addicted to that very thing that we hate most about ourselves

I make no excuses for repeating
CHOOSE wisely but do choose

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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 Post subject: Re: Firm Commitment
PostPosted: Mon Jan 21, 2019 4:09 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 59
For me one component of commitment is knowing that life is a temporary state, knowing that we are not here in forever and, thus, we have to extract value from our reality, reality that is not very nice at times. This Knowing + Action (Values in motion). It is easy to succumb to the negative mindset and continue life as if its just a game, maybe a dark place, maybe a playground, maybe that, maybe that and etc. That Maybe is complacency. Commitment is me KNOWING what is TRUE, taking ACTION, developing and integrating VALUES and never giving yourself maybes + CHOICE + remembering what I committed to and most of all: If I find my mind deviating in any sense; be it just letting yourself to be bored or lonely and not calling anyone (isolation) I accept that something is not right, and by accepting I give myself some time to get myself out of the negative situation, because I committed. It is easy to live life loosely, or give in to sadness, it is hard to strive for the better, and we all want better, let us not lie to ourselves anymore.


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 Post subject: Re: Firm Commitment
PostPosted: Tue Jan 22, 2019 8:43 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2018 11:50 am
Posts: 120
Location: Ireland
Commitment and what does it mean?
If I have an appointment at work, I am commited to it and will do as much as I can to make sure I am there prepared and on time.
I brush my teeth every night. Its habitual and if I don't do it I feel 'uncomfortable' so I'll hop out of bed and brush.
Losing my job (or losing my teeth!) are real consequences of not continuing these behaviours yet the consequences of continuing unwanted sexual behaviours could be even more dire. It could mean losing my wife, family, home and self respect (which with an addict is already precariously low).
So knowing all that- whay am I not COMMITTED to working Recovery every day?
Perhaps for the same reason the morbidly obese person continues to eat themselves into an early grave - the same with the smoker with Lung cancer, there is a hospital close to where I live and you will regularly see people standing outside in the freezing temperatures sucking down another 'cancer stick' while still in their hospital gown!!
Thats addiction. It makes us do things that we fundamentally know are not good for us yet seem compelled to do it.
Porn and other sexual behaviours offer a short escape, a buzz, a relief both mental and physical BUT they come with a high cost. A decades long struggle, on again off again, periods when I convince myself 'things are under control' only for a slip to turn into a relapse riding the edge of chaos.
Commitment has been a real problem for me, I have always felt that 'I know how to manage this' IF ONLY I would just do the work.
Like the morbidly obese person who KNOWS to eat less and excercise more yet cannot seem to COMMIT to a daily routine.
An acceptance that I have a major struggle has been a problem for me which has slowly changed, I now ACCEPT that I may struggle to some degree for the rest of my life and if I don't commit then I am just making that struggle harder.
Its easy to say - If you don't do it then you don't want it enough and don't deserve it but sometimes the simplest explanation is the correct one.
We all know people who REALLY REALLY want to stop smoking, make better food choices, stop drinking, stop porning etc. yet they don't do it. Knowledge of the steps to take on how to is only make those changes is only part of the answer. Perhaps the bigger key to success is finding how to ensure a commitment and consistency of effort.
Thanks for the timely reminder.
Perhaps I need to SEE myself as a person who is in control of their sexual behaviours rather than as I have seen myself as a slave or controlled by it. Would I expect that to happen overnight?
Of course not. I would expect to have to COMMIT to behaviours and thought patterns and recovery work (like RN) that have shown me there is light at the end of the tunnel if I walk towards it.
To use the nutrition/weight loss analogy in terms of sexual behaviour, some steps to follow to keep committed would be to;
1. Set short and Long term Goals. (Lose 1lb in 1 week/ do not use porn or fantasise for 1 week)
2. Tell others about your plan and goals
3. Review every day to ensure I am on track (Food diary/ DAILY MONITORING)
4. Be smart about the choices I make (which foods I buy/ how much free time I have in front of the pc alone)
5. Do something every day to work towards those goals. (like coming to RN)

_________________
"Don't judge each day by the Harvest that you reap but by the seeds that you plant"
"If you do not succeed, make sure it is not because you did'nt try hard enough"


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