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 Post subject: Unable to explain....
PostPosted: Fri Mar 06, 2020 12:12 pm 
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Joined: Mon Feb 10, 2020 3:22 am
Posts: 80
Location: Canada
Last night my Wife asked me how this attempt at recovery is different than the last 5 or 6...

I'm not able to explain why I feel the need to be better this time more than the past. I know I've wanted to be healthy from the first initial discovery, but this time everything is different for me.

I'm striving to change the things in my life I'm not happy with.

I want a spiritual life.
I want to not be deceitful, dishonest, unloyal, unfaithful, unhappy. Infact I want the opposite this time.
I want my Wife to feel her own recovery from my other life.
I want my children to not be affected by my previous mistakes.
I want to be healthy and free.
I want to enjoy my life without the sense of fear, shame or guilt.

I have wanted all these things since the beginning but this time... This time they're screaming at me from the inside out. My body and mind are tired of the self punishment I evoke. I am finally ready to listen to those previously quiet voices telling me what I was doing wasn't good for me. I've angered them now and I feel the burn, the strive deep inside to be who I was meant to be.

With all of this however, I still struggle to explain to my wife how this time is different. My only method of doing so is to continue showing her patterns of dedicated means of me reaching to my healthy honest and true recovery.

She is puzzled when I say this time I just feel my need to be better and grow in all areas I was lacking. For example our marriage and our connection. She questions the previous attempts in me saying those things and than relapsing, wanting to know how I'm able to tell how this time is much more genuine than the previous times. She questions why I previously said I wanted to be closer and intimate with her but struggled and needed medication to succeed when doing so, and now this attempt I'm succeeding beyond anticipation and expectation. Her words were "this is feeling new, it goes back to when we were engaged and newly married". How do i define that time I have focused on removing all distractions and am truly focusing what is really important to me?

Have any of you felt any words that helped to best describe how you knew the last time for you was different than the remainders?

I will defeat this. I will conquer this. I will be set free.


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 07, 2020 5:42 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 4024
Location: UK
Hello FR

Quote:
Last night my Wife asked me how this attempt at recovery is different than the last 5 or 6...


IMO a very reasonable question to ask but a very difficult question to answer

Quote:
Have any of you felt any words that helped to best describe how you knew the last time for you was different than the remainders?


words cannot possible suffice in answering, the fact is she has been here before, seen it and then been let down, why should she believe you?

Quote:
I'm striving to change the things in my life I'm not happy with.


striving to is one thing achieving is quite another as you have demonstrated 5 or 6 times previously

so my friend there is no short answer

you need to demonstrate change consistently and over time , you need to prove that you deserve that she even considers in believing and possibly trusting you
Rome was not built in a day but destruction can happen in the blink of an eye


Her doubts for sure are real but you cannot allow her feelings and emotions hamper or put doubt on your recovery, you need to move forwards for you

You should be open ,honest , transparent , you should talk over her doubts and fears, indeed your own doubts and fears, stiing out how you intend to overcome and eliminate them

You have a choice as does she , choose wisely and hoping all of the best for you both
Quote:
I will defeat this. I will conquer this. I will be set free.
DO IT

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 07, 2020 10:05 am 
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Joined: Mon Feb 10, 2020 3:22 am
Posts: 80
Location: Canada
Quote:
you need to demonstrate change consistently and over time , you need to prove that you deserve that she even considers in believing and possibly trusting you
Rome was not built in a day but destruction can happen in the blink of an eye


Thanks Kenzo. It's been just over a month now. I recognize this as being only a short time with a very long road ahead while still being able to celebrate the length of time it's been. I have made the decision to continue to show her this change over the long road ahead, confronting my emotions and my previous habits with new healthy learned habits and emotions .
I appreciate your insight. Words do not describe actions. My dedicated actions towards my health and recovery will instead depict a sincere change for good.


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 08, 2020 6:28 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 4024
Location: UK
Hi
Quote:
I have made the decision to continue to show her this change over the long road ahead,


:g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g:


however remember that important as her seeing change and believing that it is permanent, is, it is secondary to the actual fact of your recovery and all of the benefits that it brings

Please focus on you, you can do this, the benefits for all will follow

Unfortunately the converse is also true so this time make it the last time
You have chosen wisely now make that positive choice permanent

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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