Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Sat Jun 23, 2018 7:08 am

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 58 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next
Author Message
PostPosted: Mon May 14, 2018 9:28 am 
Offline

Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 6:31 pm
Posts: 64
Quote:
Exercise 14

In Stage One; Lesson Two of the Partner's Workshop, you were asked to develop a general vision for your life. This vision focused on developing an anchor to health and stability by allowing you to identify and reattach yourself to those areas of your life that you truly value. Now, you are asked to create a second vision. This one is more of a 'mini-vision', isolated to how you will manage your life over these next few months through your healing (and your partner's recovery — if applicable).

To assist you in developing this limited, practical vision, here are a few questions to ask/answer. Think about the questions in normal type; answer the questions that are italicized in your healing thread.


1. Over the next month, how much time do you intend to spend focused on managing, tracking and/or assessing your partner's addiction/recovery? List the role(s) you intend to play in his recovery. If none, say so. If some (and there are potential healthy roles for you to play), list them.
1. I would like to pull back from my involvement, its been too much. Spending time working on my own recovery will be priority number 1. The only role I’d like to play will be some support when he moves forward and during key times when he opens up, is working toward better communication, and when he’s honest with himself. I want to be strong in my own right and work to be a good spouse to him who has solid boundaries and expectations as to our future.

2. How much time do you intend to spend secretly investigating his actions? If none, how will you manage those times of mistrust and/or doubt?
1. I want to spend zero time secretly investigating. One of my boundaries (I believe this is in a future lesson) will be to have him allow me to check his devices etc when I want. I need to remove any sort of secret looking for things and obsessive behavior from my own actions, they aren’t good for me.
2. I plan to manage this by focusing on my own emotions when I have those urges to look or seek. Sit with my feelings and identify just what is actually bothering me. Did he do something that is making me worry? If so, can I ask him about it? Am I just feeling insecure because of his addiction? Can I request some support from him or someone else? Does looking/knowing actually make any difference?

3. What personal values are you willing to allow your partner to continue damaging over the next month? If none, how will you protect these values?
1. I’d like to say none, but the honest truth is that I think I will allow him to continue making me feel less secure in myself. His anger and frustrations when he’s not managing his own emotions scare me and trigger me, I’m not likely to mention that, even though I should. I did note though today that he started getting angry and I told him to just be quiet and ended the entire interaction. That worked, so I think I might continue to refuse to engage in communication that triggers me and freaks me out. More to do on this one.

4. Over the next two months, what mistakes are you prepared to tolerate from your partner and why? What mistakes (if any) are intolerable and will serve as the catalyst to end the relationship? Note: think with your head here, not your heart. You are no longer ignorant as to what to expect in recovery and so, define those true 'bottom lines' for you and your relationship.
1. Relapses of all of the things I know he does I would tolerate. I expect that he will relapse at any point and I look forward to having a plan for handling that. I originally stated that cheating, child porn, prostitutes, chatting online with other women etc were grounds for divorce and I do still hold on those.

5. How much responsibility do you intend to invest in changing your partner? Versus placing the responsibility for change on them? How do you envision communicating your observations about their motivation/responsibility — both positive and/or negative? For those positive observations, how wiʃ you make them seem genuine? For those negative observations, how wiʃ you make them seem non-punitive? *Do you intend to motivate change in your partner by threats and/or rewards? Or by simply sharing your needs and allowing your partner to find the motivation to meet those needs?
1. His recovery is his responsibility. I will invest in him as a partner, I will invest in our relationship by doing my own work, despite it being very difficult.
2. I am not sure how to communicate when I think his motivation is lacking. He’s good at avoiding hard things, and I can see him do it all of the time, so I should get some way to handle those emotions and when appropriate, communicate that with him. He needs to find his own motivations for change. That is the only lasting change he can make as far as I can tell. He doesn’t take “tough” love well from anyone, choosing instead to assume that I’m not understanding his resistance. I noticed yesterday he was lacking motivation because his technology wasn’t meeting his needs for working through the lesson. Classic example.

6. How do you envision moving beyond two individuals in recovery/healing to becoming a team in overcoming those areas of your relationship that have been damaged? What changes will YOU need to make in your own perspective to regain a sense of teamwork? What changes do you need to see from your partner for this to happen?
1. I’m putting a lot of trust in this recovery on both of our ends. I believe that walking through the lessons will give both of us a clear indication of where things have been damaged and where they need assistance. I’m hoping that once we get through the personal recovery, we may be able to do with partner’s recovery together as well.
2. I feel that as long as he’s actively engaged in a healthy recovery, I will feel like we are moving forward. Its been 18 years of non-recovery, I have some time to devote to real, solid and healthy recovery.

7. Apart from your partner's addiction, identify the current major obstacles that your relationship faces. For each obstacle, seek out any patterns that will eventually need to be worked through as a team. For instance, communication. We have fallen into a pattern of dysfunctional communication that must change. Here is what I can envision doing to bring about change to these dysfunctional communication rituals:
1. Overall, at this point I can more or less blame this addiction for all of our issues, but I know intuitively that isn’t true. I, for example am likely causing some of our communication and stress issues, but its hard to work on my own behaviors when he’s not able to tell me about them because of guilt and shame on his part for using. I think one I can identify is that we both are instant gratification types and we enable each other in eating, drinking and being lazy. That could change a lot of our relationship if we could over-come that.

8. Should you find yourself struggling to manage your own life (intense emotions, undefended boundaries, deteriorating values, neglected values, etc.) how do you envision getting yourself refocused and back in balance? List this general plan.
1. Generally I think I will:
1. Plan some time to think. Ideas: Go away for a night alone or with one of my support friends.
2. Clear my head and heart and determine what needs to happen on my own part to make sure my boundaries are solid and clear, remind myself of my values and recover my physical state so that I’m not panic driven.
3. Return, hopefully refocused and have a long talk about how to move forward.

9. What signs will you look for in your partner to generate confidence in the sincerity and stability of his/her recovery?
1. Active participation in his lessons
2. Sharing some of his thoughts about his lessons
3. Seeking time with me that is intimate but not necessarily sexual.
4. Seeking to hang out with me, spend time with me, having fun
5. Support of me in situations where he knows I am triggered. Ex: Holding my hand and squeezing it, looking into my eyes and/or putting his arm around me when we see someone in a restaurant who fits his “scan” description.

10. What unique signs will you look for in your partner over the next few months to generate warning of imbalance and/or insincerity?
* Intense introversion
* Inability to be/frustration at being touched
* Staying up late
* Requests for his fetish
* Being rude, interruption, being argumentative for no reason.
* Tuning out and not listening.
* Entirely forgetting that we’d discussed things or had an important conversation
* Suggesting a fix for a problem that is the exact fix I had JUST suggested as if it were his own.
* Passive agressive sexism/mansplaining
* Lack of ability to be a partner, doesn’t do his chores or his share.
* Inability to meet my needs. When asked, is passive aggressive about giving them to me.
* He shuts down conversations that are in any way uncomfortable. Engages frequently in stonewalling.


Last edited by aletheia on Tue May 15, 2018 9:20 am, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue May 15, 2018 9:20 am 
Offline

Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 6:31 pm
Posts: 64
Quote:
Exercise 15

A. Make a list all of support resources (people only) that you currently have available to you in helping you to deal with this current crisis? How many of these people have you already turned to for support? What have you found beneficial in their responses? What have you found to be disruptive?

B. List all resources (not people) that you have available to you in developing a balanced, healthy support system. This list should contain at least eight items. Put an asterisk in front of each resource that you are currently using to help you through this crisis.

C. Discuss a time when you were a part of someone else's support system. Was it a positive or negative experience for you? What made it so? Is there anything that you would have done differently? How can you use these insights to further define your own support system?


Support people:

* M - I have turned to M a few times when things are pretty dark, just for support and a virtual “hug” during my day. She’s very supportive and reciprocates with requests for support regarding her own marriage which she’s concerned includes some sexual addiction as well. She’s good at just listening which is helpful, and giving me emotional support. I worry that she’s judging me because her husband uses porn frequently and they are also polyamorous.
* H - I have mainly chatted with H about issues of my own behavior. She doesn’t quite understand the addiction aspect, is a staunch supporter of some communities of BDSM etc, and I think its a bit intimidating for her. However, she’s also very justice minded and I have discussions with her about my desire to snoop and to help me keep my value system strong. She’s helpful in giving me concrete things to do to feel better right away, very logical.
* E - She’s my BFF, but doesn’t quite understand whats going on. She’s there in a pinch, but I typically keep conversations to simple topics around it. She’s not a very emotive person (like myself) and so while we are BFFs, our intimacy and close friendship isn’t as much about emotional support regarding relationships, though at pure crisis times it can/has been for both of us. Her husband has anger issues and while he wouldn’t hit her, he does scare her occasionally and we discuss etc. One way she isn’t helpful is her advice is almost always centered around NOT feeling things, or not addressing them directly, but rather controlling my own feelings to ignore things because “that’s marriage”.

Resources

* RN - This has been a main resource lately and SO helpful!
* Gardening - Maybe not “support” so much as coping mechanism
* My spirituality. I am not using my church as support press, we are too small and it would have a very real effect on my and my husbands reputations and we are both very involved, but I do use my spiritual practice as a resource to assist me in defining my values, bringing relief from emotional turmoil etc.
* I need more here, I can’t think of anything else.

When I was support for someone else

My friend’s husband was being angry and throwing things, etc and she has a history of violence in her family and it was triggering her into pure panic states. She set up a support system by which she could leave at any time, with a bug out bag at my house etc. It was a growing and connecting experience for our friendship and we spent a lot of time talking about abuse, about why we stay in abusive relationships etc. She was able to get some therapy and he was able to re-direct his anger and they worked through it eventually.

For my part, I just was there for her, not trying to fix anything, but providing support when she had a plan. I think I would appreciate that as well in my own situation.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed May 23, 2018 9:59 am 
Offline

Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 6:31 pm
Posts: 64
Quote:
Exercise 16

A. Create a list of at least ten core values that represent the person you want to be. You should be able to rely on this list with confidence in guiding decisions, actions, prioritization, etc.

B. In your own words, how can you use these values to guide you through this current crisis (or a future crisis)?

C. Compare this list to the vision that you created in Stage One; Lesson Two. Are they similar? They should be. In fact, they should be practically identical — with your vision serving as a narrative for the list you have here. If they are not, change whichever is inconsistent with the life that you want to lead. Your vision must be forged from your core values or you will continue to struggle with imbalance and chaos.


10 Core values

1. Skill mastery - Active problem solver
2. Honest/truthful
3. Productive
4. Live simply and healthy - Minimalism
5. Be a loving, caring partner
6. Spiritual - Deeply follow my path
7. Help those around me - Volunteerism
8. Self supporting - Self employed, grow our food, make things, self sufficient
9. I do the right thing
10. Pursue greatness
11. Sexual Chastity/Monogamy

How can I use these for guidance?

By keeping to my daily schedules of working, gardening and managing our home, it gives me comfort and the feeling I was productive at the end of the day. I generally feel satisfied with that, even if emotionally things were hard. I generally get a feeling or sense of control and stability when my home is clear of clutter, so a few times a year I de-clutter the house, and I’m due for that now as we moved here just a year ago and things have built up.

I have been lacking in my volunteerism. This is one area where this chaos has really affected me, I get overwhelmed and then put my duties off with my church. I have a lot of positions of leadership and volunteer many hours and this has suffered over the last three years extensively. When I do this work, I get a huge sense of accomplishment and feeling that I am making a difference in the world outside of my own small self and it also connects me with others who are supportive and loving.

I’ve been using problem solving, and loving and caring for my partner to my own detriment I think. Its hard for me NOT to solve a problem, to just let it solve itself and/or let him solve it. I reach out and want to help, but right now, I need to focus on myself and re-balance these other things.

Compare this to Lesson Two

They are similar, that list was more focused on relieving my own pain, attributes that my mind needs to feel good. They can largely be put under the larger umbrella of one of these values here on a more “meta” level.

Here’s that list with an idea of how it fits into the bigger picture above:

* Confident/satisfied and happy with my body - Live simply and healthy
* Intimate and loving - Loving, caring partner
* Invested and devoted to my relationship - Loving, caring partner
* Devoted to doing my will - Spiritual
* Capable of being alone - Self supporting
* Capable of keeping my boundaries - I do the right thing
* Living a simple productive and healthy life - Live simply and healthy
* Self controlled enough to be honest and not obsess - I do the right thing


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu May 24, 2018 9:33 am 
Offline

Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 6:31 pm
Posts: 64
Quote:
Exercise 17

A) In Stage Two; Lesson One, you created proactive action plans for three values to help you begin the process of stabilizing your life. You now need to expand this to the remaining values listed in Exercise Sixteen.

B) For each, think about the meaning and fulfillment you are getting compared to the potential meaning and fulfillment available.

C) Develop a specific plan that will allow you to maximize the potential in each of those remaining values.

D) List the 'next two or three steps' you will take to begin strengthening each value. Note: you will not be expected to begin taking all of these steps. The goal here is to gain clarity in what steps to take and to have a plan of action ready for times when you have either lost focus or have some extra energy.


Complied Values List

1. Skill mastery - Active problem solver
-- Continue teaching via leadership training in volunteering
-- Continue to learn house holding skills, gardening etc
-- Continue to learn about addiction, co-dependency etc

2. Honesty/Truthful
-- Meditate on honesty and truth
-- Use skills in inhibition (Alexander technique) to pause and reinforce honesty in myself.
-- Call out dishonesty in my relationships when appropriate and discuss reasons, deeper meaning etc

3. Productive
-- Continue to stay on top of my work and grow my business
-- Continue to stay on top of my volunteering
-- Keep my house chores/activities up

4. Live simply and healthy - Minimalism
-- Confident/satisfied and happy with my body
-- -- Keeping my eating and movement healthy
-- De-clutter regularly and sell or donate items we no longer need
-- Enjoy my new home and environment

5. Loving, caring partner
-- Invested and devoted to my relationship
-- Continue with my lessons
-- Stay supportive of partner

6. Spiritual - Deeply follow my path
-- Devoted to doing my will
-- Daily ritual
-- Plan ritual spaces around grounds for our use

7. Help those around me and give back to my community
-- Lead by example, stay on course for my own work
-- Apply these principles so that I make fewer mistakes/misunderstandings
-- Continue to devote time to my small leadership group of women

8. Self supporting - Self employed, grow our food, make things, self sufficient
-- Capable of being alone
-- -- Schedule time to spend alone once per quarter if it doesn’t happen through travel.
-- Continue with self improvement activities
-- Encourage husband to take charge of his own growth and recovery

9. I do the right thing
-- Self controlled enough to be honest and not obsess
-- -- Continue working on rumination, obsessions etc
-- I ask myself often if I am doing the right thing (subconscious and universal values)
-- When I do not do the right thing, I make amends.

10. Pursue greatness
-- Pursue my natural level of happiness (typically high, which seems to bother a lot of people), let go of shame involved with this.
-- Indulge in being more adventurous
-- Bring Joy into my life again.

11. Sexual Chastity/Monogamy
-- Continue to value a monogamous relationship where we both put all of our sexual energy into our relationship
-- Actively value the intimacy and safety that trusting my partner brings to the relationship, it allows me to open up and share more of myself and not hold back.
-- Remind myself that I am “enough” for him, and that his “chastity” is a magical oath and ritual that we engage in together. To defile that is to weaken that link.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon May 28, 2018 1:34 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 6:31 pm
Posts: 64
Quote:
Exercise 18

A. Provide an example of a value collision in your own life. How did you handle it? What resulted from this collision (e.g. compromise, resentment, suspension of the issue, etc.)?

B. What current values do you hold where conflicts can be likely anticipated? (Use your history in relationships as a reference)

C. What values, if any, are you unwilling to compromise under any circumstances? Give a thoughtful response, not a prideful one.


Value collision: Honesty. Husbands lying has caused me to really have to rethink a lot of what is going on in my life in terms of my relationship with him. Some results of this are: I have spent a lot of time questioning my own intuition and beliefs due to thinking everything is one way (OK) when it isn’t (he’s using). I’ve trusted him for so long, having him look me in the eyes and swear that he’s not lying, only to turn around and admit it days later is really hard. I have to question this value when I say to myself that I plan to stay, even though he lied.

Couples tell white lies here and there, this I can handle. Agreeing to talk about things and then not doing it though, it causes a large conflict of values with me. The way I have grown through this, is to realize that this addiction has compromised his values as well and he hates these lies that he’s telling. That’s been a learning curve for me and a process of learning to forgive, but also be on guard.

Current Values that may have conflicts:

I think most of them have been and will likely be threatened. Doing the right thing, Pursue greatness, all of them. In some way if I am being deceived in my primary love relationship, it inhibits and causes issues with my ability to function at a higher level and stand true with my own values and continue to grow as a woman.

What values am I not willing to compromise?

Monogamy when it comes to having sex with others. If my partner has sex with someone outside of our marriage that would be very hard to recover from. I may be willing to compromise it, but in the end it might not be recoverable. Some of my hard lines have been actions, not values. Cheating, child porn, sexting/texting/chatting with other women, those are pretty hard lines, but I am not sure it would mean losing the relationship. I may attempt to work through these things, but the lack of respect they would engender in me, I could not recover from in the relationship. I believe that the real line that can be crossed is a longer term pattern of behavior that simply doesn’t improve and continues to escalate. I think that a lack of personal integrity on the part of my husband may be what would cause me to leave.

If he’s actively working a healthy recovery, not escalating, trying and most times succeeding at being honest and truthful, there’s a chance. However, continued and escalating lying/use can definitely get me to a point of leaving as I simply will lose respect for him and short of him pulling out a Hail Mary, being skilled enough to take the responsibility to resolve the damage and take his fair share of fixing it, we’d be doomed to failure. I know he can escalate MUCH further in his use, but I feel pretty strongly that he’s close to rock bottom as he’s dangerously close to losing his own self worth and my respect.

I imagine to someone outside the relationship I sound like I may be compromising too much, and maybe I am, but that shouldn’t be read as I don’t have a line that can’t be crossed, or that I can be manipulated over a longer period of time. My eyes have been opened this year to a lot of how he has been manipulating me and those same tactics are already failing him now and will continue to do so. He’s lost his ability to really hide this from me and that’s very empowering on my part.

As an example: In this last relapse, which was prior to my finding these lessons etc., I noted in my journal that he was showing “signs” of relapsing and I asked him about it. Directly. How are you doing? Having urges? Do you need help/support? Hows your accountability partner? etc. He always said things were fine. I didn’t believe him. I kept asking, day after day, and a few times, getting to flat out asking him. “Are you using porn?” He would then say “Oh, I had a hard day, I saw an advertisement for some sexy videos”. Reality was, he later admitted that that got him on the ramp and he had used for a week. During that week, I was asking. He was lying. I knew it. I knew it only a day or two in. I finally told him out right that I didn’t believe him. Told him he should be honest. It took another week of me sticking to my guns, refusing to let him gas-light me (though he tried several times) and not buying him lying before he finally fessed up. I’m learning, I’m holding my place and I’m feeling proud of that.

I won’t be letting him convince me that I am crazy anymore. I won’t be questioning my sanity or thinking I am stupid. My intuition has always been good. I know what is happening around me, I know when people are messing with me, and he’s not an exception, not anymore.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon May 28, 2018 3:23 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 6:31 pm
Posts: 64
Quote:
Exercise 19

A. Make a list of rules that you can use to help define the boundaries of your most important values. Like goals, each rule should be specific and measurable.

B. Describe a scenario from your past where not having a well-defined set of boundaries has prolonged and/or intensified the personal consequences that you have experienced.

C. Describe a potentially realistic event in your life where having mastered the use of boundaries will assist you in managing the event in such a way as to protect your value system.


My boundaries

Honest/Truthful
Rule #1 - I will be honest with my partner at all times
Rule #2 - An omission of the truth is the same as a lie
Rule #3 - When lies happen about the smaller details of an event, I have the right to assume lies have been bolder about the main details as well.
Rule #4 - When a untruths are told, the person lying will accept responsibility and be held accountable.

I do the right thing
Rule #1 - When faced with decision, I will look internally and choose to do the thing I know to be right.
Rule #2 - Should this prove to be wrong, I will take responsibility for finding out the right course of action and self correcting my course/actions.
Rule #3 - When a conflict occurs, I have the right to choose my own conscience as a guide and do what I believe to be right and truthful in the situation.

Self Supporting
Rule #1 - I am able to first look to myself for comfort and relieve in emotional discomforts.
Rule #2 - In doing so, I will use stoic rules of philosophy to guide my actions
Rule #3 - I will be gracious and accept support, love, advice from others when it is honestly and freely given.
Rule #4 - I will do my best to find the deeper meaning of my emotional needs and seek to meet those needs rather than indulge in the acting out aspects of my behavior.

Be a loving, caring partner
Rule #1 - I am a monogamous partner dedicated to my marriage.
Rule #2 - In our marriage, our values need to align. I prioritize my partner and seek intimacy, comfort and support from him when needed.
Rule #3 - I consider texting sexually with others, sex outside of our marriage and other sexual acts with others to be a violation of our marriage agreement with disastrous results.

Sexual Intimacy
Rule #1 - I have the right to sexual intimacy without being objectified and de-humanized.
Rule #2 - If I am being objectified or use as an outlet for porn addiction I have a right to know and not be used mindlessly. I have a right to choose to engage or not.
Rule#3 - I have a right to enter into a sexual encounter knowing if I have been lied to.

Personal scenario where having well defined boundaries has prolonged or intensified personal consequences.

— Well for this one, almost every single relationship I have been in. I tend to enter into a relationship so desperate for love and connection and for someone to define my own boundaries that I end up in a hellish nightmare being the partner of an addict or narcissist. My relationship with my previous husband as a epic example. I knew three months into that relationship that things were bad, but due to my own lack of boundaries and experience as well as desire to feel special I stayed for another 15 years.

Realistic event where mastering boundaries will assist me in managing that event.
—I’ve already experienced this with my partner and a relapse. Really focusing on my lessons, outlining the values compromised etc helped immensely in handling the situation and feeling like I had some control over the outcome rather than having no idea what to do or how to manage it. Some really good tools came out of this.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon May 28, 2018 3:45 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 6:31 pm
Posts: 64
Daily and Weekly Check in times:

I've been doing this for a while, I'm actually a bit further along in lessons than I have posted. I'm enjoying reviewing a lesson that I did a few weeks back and then posting, it gives me a chance to reconsider where I was at the time etc.

However, I wasn't quite in the habit yet, so here's my older ones and I'l post forward from today on habitually.

5/14/18:
1. Did engage fully and responsibly in my life today?
Yes, I believe I did. Today was pretty easy, not a lot of worry or concern. I had some good interactions with G too.

2. Did I engage in any behavior that was in direct conflict with my vision and values?
I didn’t obsess much today and was able to easily overcome my urges to snoop. I kept with my diet well, got my volunteer work done etc. Felt like a good day over all.

3. Were any of my boundaries violated today? If so, did I act to protect them?
No. I need to work on new boundary list to share with G. I’d like to present it prior to the weekend. I say this, because I am not really clear that I have a good solid boundaries list and would really know when it was violated. I need to continue to review those lessons.

4. Did I take time today just for myself? If not, how many days has it been since I have?
I spent some good time this morning doing lessons and tonight.

5. Did I stay on top of my game at work, in the home and in my volunteer work?
Yes, work was productive. I didn’t finish my daily list, but did do carrier by carrier over the whole week, which I will do again tomorrow. At home, I was a bit lazy, but I got all of my WIS stuff done and mailed off!

6. Did I do something physically healthy for my body?
Not really.

7. Did I do something nice for someone else today?
I rubbed G’s shoulders a bit when he was working.

5/15/18:
1. Did engage fully and responsibly in my life today?
For the most part. I had some minor anxiety which was likely coffee induced, but I think I worked hard to manage it well. I ate well, diet going good.

2. Did I engage in any behavior that was in direct conflict with my vision and values?
No, I had a great talk with G tonight too about my boundary list etc., and that went well. It was good to explain the values system to him as it helped me to understand it myself a bit better. I also had minor urges to snoop today, but didn’t engage in them. It helps to realize that its all useless for the most part.

3. Were any of my boundaries violated today? If so, did I act to protect them?
Not that I am aware of.

4. Did I take time today just for myself? If not, how many days has it been since I have?
I spent some time journaling and working on my lessons. I also didn’t hold back from dancing in the kitchen and putting fun music on etc when we were cooking. G seemed ok with that.

5. Did I stay on top of my game at work, in the home and in my volunteer work?
Work: Yes, very busy to get ahead this week. Home: Yes, made ahead food but didn’t get my bean teepees done. Volunteer: Yes, engaged with people I supervise and answered emails.

6. Did I do something physically healthy for my body?
I did a sun salutation, some stretching.

7. Did I do something nice for someone else today?
Gave G positive feedback.

5/18/18

Did engage fully and responsibly in my life today?
--Yeah, I feel like I did. Was busy in Vegas with training I was doing, but spent some quality time with people. Had a good time.

Did I engage in any behavior that was in direct conflict with my vision and values?
-- I did get a bit gossipy with two of the people at the training, they tend to bring that out of me, I need to pay closer attention to that in the future. Otherwise, no. By the time I had lunch with two other folks, I was on guard for that sort of thing.

Were any of my boundaries violated today? If so, did I act to protect them?
-- Not that I am aware of. I was a bit worried about G, but he’s been so busy taking care of pops, I wasn’t too concerned.

Did I take time today just for myself? If not, how many days has it been since I have?
-- Yes, I had a few hours here, in this HUGE suite to hang. I worked and wrapped that up and then took a nice hot bath in the jetted tub. Awesome.

Did I stay on top of my game at work, in the home and in my volunteer work?
-- Sort of. I hedged on finishing work, but training is going well.

Did I do something physically healthy for my body?
-- Yes, All meals I chose more or less wisely. I had a GF breakfast sandwich with a drip coffee, Snack sausages, the Indian food I ate was mainly paleo, I only ate a small piece of bread, and dinner was a ceaser with chicken. I drank only tequila. So maybe a WEE bit over in carbs, but not a lot. Also got in over 10K steps as this freaking hotel is huge.

Did I do something nice for someone else today?
-- I complemented people, but otherwise, not really.

5/19/18

1. Did engage fully and responsibly in my life today?
-- No. G relapsed and I was tuned out and upset most of the day. Happened early in the day that he sent me a message letting me know. Originally I just felt good that he told me about it, but as I processed it, it became clear I was really upset and of course, that anything he told me could be lying.

2. Did I engage in any behavior that was in direct conflict with my vision and values?
-- Yes. I then proceeded later in the evening to drink too much and have a really bad night.

3. Were any of my boundaries violated today? If so, did I act to protect them?
-- Yes:

- Confident/satisfied and happy with my body
- This recent relapse, while not really intense in this aspect still hurts my feelings. I wonder why I’m not good enough or what aspect of not getting enough caused him to do this. Also: why can he lose control over a picture of a woman, facilitated by a movie, but not show me passion?

- Invested and devoted to my relationship
- It hurts me when this happens, and I am less available as a result to being more open and intimate.

- Self controlled enough to be honest and not obsess
- I did ok, but that had a lot to do with space. I just had a huge desire to search his devices.

- Honest/truthful
- He didn’t lie, but I can’t believe him just yet.

- Be a loving, caring partner
- I feel that he’s not kind to me, not loving.

- I do the right thing
- This wasn’t so much compromised, but I put it here to remind me to do so.

- Pursue greatness
- I was greatly distracted this weekend from doing my volunteer work. I could have done better, made a larger impact.

- Sexual Chastity
- I feel that a violation of our monogamy as we understand it has occurred.

4. Did I take time today just for myself? If not, how many days has it been since I have?
--I did ask my friend M if I could vent for a few minutes which helped. I also went to my hotel room (I'm facilitating a training in Vegas without my partner) and I laid on the bed and did some deep breathing followed by violently kicking the bed and yelling FUCK over and over. That helped get some aggression out.

5. Did I stay on top of my game at work, in the home and in my volunteer work?
-- No. I was not up to my usual self for the rest of the training. I doubt most of my peers knew it but I felt off of my game.

6. Did I do something physically healthy for my body?
-- No, I drank too much and paid for it.

7. Did I do something nice for someone else today?
-- No. Too caught up in myself.

5/20/18:

1. Did engage fully and responsibly in my life today?
-- Yes. After last night, I took care to eat well, though I did have some carbs, they seem to settle my tummy. I didn’t drink at all today and was happy about that.

2. Did I engage in any behavior that was in direct conflict with my vision and values?
-- I obsessed a little over G and if he was relapsing again, but was busy enough with training to manage it for the most part.

3. Were any of my boundaries violated today? If so, did I act to protect them?
-- Not that I know of. I worked yesterday to process what was violated.

4. Did I take time today just for myself? If not, how many days has it been since I have?
-- No, not really I did pop up to room for a 30 minute quiet time, that helped.

5. Did I stay on top of my game at work, in the home and in my volunteer work?
-- At the training I was about 95%, but was down due to being sick from last night.

6. Did I do something physically healthy for my body?
-- Ate pretty well, drank a lot of water.

7. Did I do something nice for someone else today?
-- Helped folks with my skills in the training.

5/22/18

1. Did engage fully and responsibly in my life today?

-- yes but it was hard. Long talk with G.

2. Did I engage in any behavior that was in direct conflict with my vision and values?
-- I ate carbs with teriyaki.

3. Were any of my boundaries violated today? If so, did I act to protect them?

-- not that I’m aware of.

4. Did I take time today just for myself? If not, how many days has it been since I have?
--No. I did so this weekend. Will again likely tomorrow.

5. Did I stay on top of my game at work, in the home and in my volunteer work?
-- no. I was dealing with this relapse.

6. Did I do something physically healthy for my body?
--Not really.

7. Did I do something nice for someone else today?

--I was patient with G.

5/23/18

1. Did engage fully and responsibly in my life today?
-- Yes. Felt good. Got a lot of work done and had good energy.

2. Did I engage in any behavior that was in direct conflict with my vision and values?
-- No, was circumspect and honest.

3. Were any of my boundaries violated today? If so, did I act to protect them?
-- I don’t think so.

4. Did I take time today just for myself? If not, how many days has it been since I have?
-- Not really, but had a good day even so.

5. Did I stay on top of my game at work, in the home and in my volunteer work?
-- Work, yes, volunteer work pretty much, House, yes.

6. Did I do something physically healthy for my body?
-- worked outside, could have done better.

7. Did I do something nice for someone else today?
-- Yes. Loved on G and helped my father out.

5/27/18 (this is for a few days)

1. Did engage fully and responsibly in my life today?
-- For the weekend I did. Felt good, had a great time with friends.

2. Did I engage in any behavior that was in direct conflict with my vision and values?
--No.

3. Were any of my boundaries violated today? If so, did I act to protect them?
--I think not. G was too busy with the build out and otherwise I didn’t notice anything.

4. Did I take time today just for myself? If not, how many days has it been since I have?
-- Both days I took a few minutes to either garden or sit quietly and rest.

5. Did I stay on top of my game at work, in the home and in my volunteer work?
-- The house took all of my energy this weekend, no volunteer or work

6. Did I do something physically healthy for my body?
-- Not really. Ate too much, too many carbs.

7. Did I do something nice for someone else today?
-- Yes, all weekend worked to make sure folks were fed and had good hospitality.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon May 28, 2018 3:47 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 6:31 pm
Posts: 64
Weekly Check in:

1. Over the past 7 days, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?
-- Working with my community to do our shop build out. It felt really good to have the support of our community and spend time with friends and just hang out. The normalcy of it allowed me to focus on that instead of lessons/my current messed up life.

2. Over the past 7 days, were there any major drains on my time, energy or emotion?
-- Had a hard time with G not making amends. Broke down pretty hard crying, focused on feeling really cast aside “thrown away”. It drained me pretty hard. He had said he would come up with this after his relapse but then didn’t make time or prioritize it. On top of the relapse and my broken heart, this just felt like too much to handle.

3. Given the meaning that was added (Q1) and the events that drained my life (Q2): how well did I manage?
-- Managed ok. Took time to take care of myself to recover for the weekend. I’m getting pretty tired of having my life derailed.

4. Is there anything that I need to anticipate and/or prepare for over the next 7 days that will facilitate the effectiveness of my life management skills?
-- Keep on paying attention, likely G will have a hard time this week since he had the big build out this weekend. I should stay alert, but not get paranoid. Hard to do. :(


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon May 28, 2018 10:34 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 6:31 pm
Posts: 64
1. Did engage fully and responsibly in my life today?
-- Sort of. Was really wiped out from the weekend, so just hung out. Good day of resting.

2. Did I engage in any behavior that was in direct conflict with my vision and values?
-- No.

3. Were any of my boundaries violated today? If so, did I act to protect them?
-- Not that I know of.

4. Did I take time today just for myself? If not, how many days has it been since I have?
-- Pretty much all day, down day which was nice.

5. Did I stay on top of my game at work, in the home and in my volunteer work?
-- Did some required volunteer work, otherwise just rested up.

6. Did I do something physically healthy for my body?
-- Rest, fasting, good dinner.

7. Did I do something nice for someone else today?
-- Listened to G talk about his recovery lessons some.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue May 29, 2018 9:05 am 
Offline

Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 6:31 pm
Posts: 64
Quote:
Exercise 19

A. Make a list of rules that you can use to help define the boundaries of your most important values. Like goals, each rule should be specific and measurable.

B. Describe a scenario from your past where not having a well-defined set of boundaries has prolonged and/or intensified the personal consequences that you have experienced.

C. Describe a potentially realistic event in your life where having mastered the use of boundaries will assist you in managing the event in such a way as to protect your value system.


My boundaries

Honest/Truthful
Rule #1 - I will be honest with my partner at all times
Rule #2 - An omission of the truth is the same as a lie
Rule #3 - When lies happen about the smaller details of an event, I have the right to assume lies have been told about the main details as well.
Rule #4 - When a untruths are told, the person lying will accept responsibility and be held accountable.

I do the right thing
Rule #1 - When faced with decision, I will look internally and choose to do the thing I know to be right.
Rule #2 - Should this prove to be wrong, I will take responsibility for finding out the right course of action and self correcting my course/actions.
Rule #3 - When a conflict occurs, I have the right to choose my own conscience as a guide and do what I believe to be right and truthful in the situation.

Self Supporting
Rule #1 - I am able to first look to myself for comfort and relieve in emotional discomforts.
Rule #2 - In doing so, I will use stoic rules of philosophy to guide my actions
Rule #3 - I will be gracious and accept support, love, advice from others when it is honestly and freely given.
Rule #4 - I will do my best to find the deeper meaning of my emotional needs and seek to meet those needs rather than indulge in the acting out aspects of my behavior.

Be a loving, caring partner
Rule #1 - I am a monogamous partner dedicated to my marriage.
Rule #2 - In our marriage, our values need to align. I prioritize my partner and seek intimacy, comfort and support from him when needed.
Rule #3 - I consider texting sexually with others, sex outside of our marriage and other sexual acts with others to be a violation of our marriage agreement with disastrous results.
Rule #4 - I will listen to my partner and not minimize their feelings so that I can feel better about myself.

Sexual Intimacy
Rule #1 - I have the right to sexual intimacy without being objectified and de-humanized.
Rule #2 - If I am being objectified or use as an outlet for porn addiction I have a right to know and not be used mindlessly. I have a right to choose to engage or not.
Rule#3 - I have a right to enter into a sexual encounter knowing if I have been lied to.

Personal scenario where having well defined boundaries has prolonged or intensified personal consequences.

— Well for this one, almost every single relationship I have been in. I tend to enter into a relationship so desperate for love and connection and for someone to define my own boundaries that I end up in a hellish nightmare being the partner of an addict or narcissist. My relationship with my previous husband as a epic example. I knew three months into that relationship that things were bad, but due to my own lack of boundaries and experience as well as desire to feel special I stayed for another 15 years.

Realistic event where mastering boundaries will assist me in managing that event.

—I’ve already experienced this with my partner and a relapse. Really focusing on my lessons, outlining the values compromised etc helped immensely in handling the situation and feeling like I had some control over the outcome rather than having no idea what to do or how to manage it. Some really good tools came out of this.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue May 29, 2018 10:45 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 6:31 pm
Posts: 64
1. Did engage fully and responsibly in my life today?
--Yes. Very busy at work. Very tired tonight.

2. Did I engage in any behavior that was in direct conflict with my vision and values?
--No.

3. Were any of my boundaries violated today? If so, did I act to protect them?
--No.

4. Did I take time today just for myself? If not, how many days has it been since I have?
--Yes, I took a bath and just relaxed. Allowed my brain to shut off for a while.

5. Did I stay on top of my game at work, in the home and in my volunteer work?
-- Yes, for the most part. Finished work, volunteer work got interrupted with other volunteer work. Got a lot done, but not my priority list for the day.

6. Did I do something physically healthy for my body?
-- Ate pretty good today, did a sun salutation.

7. Did I do something nice for someone else today?
-- Listened to G talk about his recovery.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed May 30, 2018 9:43 am 
Offline

Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 6:31 pm
Posts: 64
Quote:
Exercise 21

1. List five of the most likely major boundary violations that you will face over the next year. How will you recognize them as they are occurring? How will you respond to them if they happened tomorrow?

2. List five minor boundary violations that you will likely face over the next month. Write out how you will likely respond to each.

Five boundaries likely to be violated this year (they are the same for the month):

1. I will be lied to
-- I will be calm and not take it personally.
-- I will request accountability, an explanation for the lies and request restitution of some sort.

2. I will be gas-lighted
-- If I feel that I am being gas-lighted I will stop the interaction immediately, and request that we break down the conversation in a way that makes sense.
-- I will point out where there is a manipulation and require clarification.

3. I will have my personal feelings of safety violated
-- I require that he assist me in securing my environment so that I may feel safe again.
-- This could include, proof of browser history, disclosures, exchanges of reconnecting intimacy.

4. I will be objectified during sex
-- I will stop the encounter and state why I feel objectified
-- I will disengage in any sexual activity that feels this way or that I am being used as a replacement for porn.

5. I will have to watch as my husband objectifies another woman
-- I will mention the situation and request clarification and discussion of the situation.
-- If it is rude, overt and disrespectful I will leave the situation and not return.

6. I will have to endure him telling me he’s relapsed
-- I will be calm and not take it personally
-- If he’s forthcoming, I will positively reinforce that.
-- I will determine which values were compromised.
-- I will find 3 things I can do myself to help reinforce those values so they don’t get blurry for me.
-- I will discuss these things with him, making sure he’s aware that my values were violated.
-- I will expect him to make amends for that violation on his own and I will take a lack of willingness to prioritize and do this as a lack of recovery.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu May 31, 2018 9:04 am 
Offline

Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 6:31 pm
Posts: 64
1. Did engage fully and responsibly in my life today?
-- yes. It is our anniversary and we went out and had a nice time.

2. Did I engage in any behavior that was in direct conflict with my vision and values?
--No,

3. Were any of my boundaries violated today? If so, did I act to protect them?
--No. G even was honest about being triggered by some images in the restaurant.

4. Did I take time today just for myself? If not, how many days has it been since I have?
--No, but I didn’t feel it was needed either.

5. Did I stay on top of my game at work, in the home and in my volunteer work?
-- Yes, I got my main tasks done!

6. Did I do something physically healthy for my body?
--Fasted and ate fairly well at dinner.

7. Did I do something nice for someone else today?
-- Gave really personal feedback to some folks that was positive.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu May 31, 2018 9:16 am 
Offline

Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 6:31 pm
Posts: 64
Quote:
Exercise 22

A. Find a place where you will be alone and safe. Ensure that, for the next fifteen minutes, you won't be interrupted for any reason. Not five minutes, not ten...not even fifteen interrupted minutes...fifteen uninterrupted minutes.

Then, close your eyes and just feel. Feel the things that are important to you. Feel your values. Feel your regrets. Feel the trauma you have experienced. Feel the wonderful moments in your life. Let yourself experience all of the emotions that come to you — though allow these emotions to encompass a wide range. Focus on each emotion and DO NOT OPEN YOUR EYES! (this is an important part of the exercise).

After you have done this for fifteen minutes or longer, open your eyes and answer the following:

1) Describe the most extreme emotion that you have ever experienced.

2) Describe the most irrational behavior you have ever engaged in as a result of your emotions.

3) If you could go back in time and offer yourself "perfect advice" that would have influenced this irrational behavior...what advice would you offer?


Most extreme emotion: Positive: love of my son after he was born. The sheer joy of having him near me and knowing I would always have that love, untainted and pure. Negative: Confusion and desire to de-escalate an abusive situation when being highly manipulated and gas-lighted in a relationship (previous marriage). The situation was so awful and he was gas lighting me so badly and refused to back off, pushing me so hard to admit I was wrong and he was in the right (it was about porn and having sex with other women) that when I was literally cornered, I pushed him away and ran to the bedroom and called the police. They said they couldn’t respond right away to a DV call and that I should get out of the house. I was so hysterical that I banged my head on the wall. I was unable to get out of the house without confronting him and I was so terrified of him, so I told the police I was going to commit suicide to get them to send someone immediately. They did send someone and took me to the ER, who managed to “lose” me and I finally got bored, calm and walked back home.

Most irrational behavior: Being violent toward myself during this episode.

Advice: Leave the situation, go somewhere safe and do not attempt to make sense of that crazy behavior. Get some therapy ASAP. As crazy making as he was, I could have left and chose to stay in that situation and allow it to escalate. This was a pattern in our relationship where I was ashamed to admit to anyone the situation I was in and thus would stay and argue and let him put me down rather than tell someone, anyone that I was in this terrible relationship.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu May 31, 2018 11:19 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 6:31 pm
Posts: 64
1. Did engage fully and responsibly in my life today?
-- Yes, felt good.

2. Did I engage in any behavior that was in direct conflict with my vision and values?
-No.

3. Were any of my boundaries violated today? If so, did I act to protect them?
- No.

4. Did I take time today just for myself? If not, how many days has it been since I have?
-Not really, it was a full and busy day. I did enjoy some one on one time with G after work with a few glasses of wine.

5. Did I stay on top of my game at work, in the home and in my volunteer work?
-- Work, yes, but it was hard. I have Friday-itis. Volunteer, yes.

6. Did I do something physically healthy for my body?
-- ate well, stretched.

7. Did I do something nice for someone else today?
-- Listened to G when he was discussing a potential issue.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 58 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group