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 Post subject: Exercise 1
PostPosted: Thu May 07, 2015 9:21 pm 

Joined: Mon Apr 13, 2015 12:24 pm
Posts: 2
I have been swamped over the last few weeks and haven't had a chance to comment in the forum. But I have been reading some chapters when I could. And I completed some of the couples workshop exercises.

My partner's addition is three tiered. He starts with porn. Lots of porn. 3-5 times a day. If he's bored, porn. If he's stressed, porn. If he's worried about how he will perform with me, porn. Then, when porn no longer satisfies, he moves on to chatting. He likes to pick up women in chat rooms. He likes to hear their fantasies. He likes to string them along just to the point when they would like to meet him. Then he ends the chat and shuts down any means for them to get a hold of him. Finally, the third level is prostitutes. He has used them in the past two years. Though, he says he hasn't used them since he's been with me. All in all, he estimates that his addition has cost him upwards of $6K. But I don't think he realizes what it's done to us.

When we first started dating, we would have sex almost every night we were together- but almost always at 4 am. I think he was less inhibited at 4am. Because he would always turn me down if I tried to initiate at any other time. As the relationship progressed, he was less and less interested in sex. And, when I would try to initiate, he would rebuff me by saying he's tired, he's stressed, he's not that sexual. He always had an excuse. Eventually I started thinking that the problem was with me. I was too sexually driven. In a perfect world, I would like to have sex 3 times a week. Wow... that sounds insane now. After 13 months of being with someone who I was luck to have sex with once a week, three times sounds ridiculous. I was so grateful when we would have sex that even if I wasn't into it, I would capitulate. I was completely submissive to his wishes. I would take whatever position he wanted. And, I said thank you after every encounter. And I had no idea that he masterbated so often that in order for him to have sex with me, he would have to take a viagra. He would masterbate so hard that he would hurt himself, then make up an excuse about cutting himself by accident, or getting bruised by a weight in the gym. And I would shrug it off. I wouldn't force him because he would be happier if I didn't.

I'm realizing while writing this that I have no control over my sex life. I am completely at the whim of someone who, even in recovery, prefers artificial intercourse. I know my desires are healthy. But, I've gotten so used to denying them, that I've come to think that I don't deserve intercourse. Or that I'm not good enough to make him happy. And, he isn't happy. He can't get what he wants from me, and by having me around, he's constantly reminded that he can't give me what I need. Even though I keep my desires to myself now (and have for about 10 months), I can sense when his waves of guilt are coming and what that means for me. It means that he's going to make up a lie. He's going to pick a fight. He's going to find a reason to run away.

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