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 Post subject: Pax's Healing Thread #1
PostPosted: Mon Jun 15, 2015 3:58 am 

Joined: Wed Jun 03, 2015 5:23 pm
Posts: 1
My version of my husband's addiction: I have known of his addiction from prior to being married and we have been married for over ten years. My observation at first was my discovery of regular porn and compulsive masturbation. When I confronted him I was careful to be sweet, sometime loving teases of what I found that was not "hidden". At this point I didn't feel his patterns were damaging to our intimacy, or I hoped not, although inside I felt the addiction was a form of "cheating" (my heart felt it); another side of me thought I was female and didn't understand a "man's world", which I believed and my husband insisted to me, that every man watches porn in some form and every man masturbates. I tried to find corroborative research, and I did (but I also found research that supported how my heart felt, betrayed, and wondering when he made love to me, where was his mind, sometimes it was with me, sometime I knew it was not with me. I went through perhaps years of different approaches - one approach was to join in and I suggested we watch porn together (under the assumption that it was a normal part of marriage and privacy and variety in sexual experiences (monogamous). I never joined in the idea of "pleasing myself", but I did a few time (after he suggested I should), I can remember two occasions that I offered we together please ourselves - my idea was that it would or could be a form of foreplay. He wasn't interested when I initiated the idea. I don't know if it just wasn't natural enough or "seductive" enough, but it left me feeling I had failed, or I wasn't the "visual" he desired for "that". Soon, as in a year or so later, I overheard him on the phone asking a female if she had masturbates the night before at the time he asked her to. I overheard because I pretended to leave for work but didn't, actually conveniently went to my open bedroom window and sat under it quietly to hear if he would make a phone call. He did, almost immediately on believing I had left. Keep in mind this was after a few years of continual ins and outs of various online and cell phone discoveries of multitudes (perhaps 5-10 at simultaneous times -of emotional affairs/sexting and yet they were all out of physical reach remote communications (other countries, other states). After the first few discoveries which I brought to his attention, he had pleaded and begged me that he knows he has a serious problem and he will get help. I saw stretches of a few months in-between where he did show earnest efforts and try to focus on work, family and healthier activities (temporary addictions like action video games), and we even together sought online tests and he saw he tested as a sex addict. The ins and outs have been continual for approximately 8 years of his acceptance that he has this addiction. I am numb on this day to the entire destruction of who I have become (while to others still seen for the most part as who I was in strength in values and priority). But where my daily focus has been; I am also a mother (we are parents, we are still married), I hope one day our children will only remember my continued commitment to them (I guess I compartmentalize well). But I am ashamed of what I have discovered and what is truly and secretively lost at the foundation of our marriage.) I look back and can pin point the day or at least the week I realized that only professional help can arrest the behavior or at least begin the process and stop complete devastation and destruction of all those (many) effected. Since my husband is an untreated and diagnosed clinical depressant; I felt that everything (every pattern I saw) was related to the cycles of his depression. We, and he, sought help. The one psychologist he trusted and agreed to go to said (after 4 sessions - 1 together with me, and 2 just him - 1 with us together again) she would not and could not help him through recovery unless he got on some medication for the manic and low stages. There were no funds and no insurance, in addition, I wanted to support his choice to not medicate, his/our livelihood depended in good part on the creative flows of both the ups and surprisingly the down (in addition to the fact that the production of tangible material I saw made him "happy" and fulfilling a purpose, in our children's eyes and as "a man"). I rationalized (as a wife, and as his best friend) that I need to allow him and trust him to seek out "natural" drugs that kept him happy and productive and seen by his children as "a father". I remember the moment of resignation that our intimate relationship must take the fall, it was a financial realization for our children's house/stability (as there were no resources for real help outside of cutting into our children's stability/home security and health) and with seemingly no family or friend that could be trusted with the real details and patterns, I resigned, and I even openly resigned to my husband and agreed considering the "wall" (no resources even without cost) that I will trust him to keep his "secret" away from us- far away. In the mean time, within the ins and outs of intimacy, I found hope in the "ins". And with that hope, I saw and never gave up on him, and his own strength to overcome his addiction. In time, and with the quickly progressing internet world from myspace to facebook to other social and porn networks, his secret world systemically closed in on our life - and our children's, our home. One of the distant relationship (which all of them start with the same seduction pattern, the same words, the same songs, the same type of female, the same charm, the same opening of certain parts of him, then always for the goal of sexual quest - remote), but one became more (and even though distanced by several states, a real threat, a plan for each to divorce and be together). I contacted her husband, and it was quickly over. This was the 3rd one I "stopped" via interception (he also tells the ones that he engages emotionally with that he is separated - available - a painted secret persona- for which I have apologized to the female for having to unveil his real life in my arms each night). And for that severing of his secret life romance - I have had to watch (live through) my husband's grieving process. Then the ins of our relationship which are seemingly a "recovery", then discovery of ten or more females, the same pattern, the same words, the same seduction, always the same hook, and always for the same timed pattern of emotional hook and then certain sexual pleasures from a far (a few rare females are simply sexting and while knowing he is married). As I said, the secret world was closing in - and only I saw the pattern and the multitude of women. Pretty soon my husband resigned saying it is "genetic" and it is who he is. I planned (thoroughly wrote out) an intervention and I found a local professional who specialized in "intervention" of this type and others. I took 200 from our rent money and saw him (not secretively - except the fact that my intentions were intervention, that was secret). My hour with the professional started with being greeted but at hello I was overwhelmed with emotion and uncontrollable crying for the entire hour; the man already knew the background of the depression and addiction from what I wrote to him for intake a few days earlier. He was able to talk to me about depression. I don't remember much more except the realization that my husband loved me, and this "secret" life and his "self-medicating" was explained through what happens in real depression, and that individuals are merely saving their own life in how they know will instantly help, certain chemical releases in the suffering stages of deep depression, that work for the moment, and moment by moment is all they know in depression. This professional explained his prices, the I knew the prices were unattainable; we are both self employed and struggling to meet basic monthly needs for our children. I thought of anyone I could go to for financial support, a loan, anything, plan A was a dead end; Plan B was that I sought one family member on my husband's side (who also - the wife - had been through similar) and supposedly her husband was "recovered". Her husband agreed to do counseling (as couples together in that they had "recovered"- I also felt my husband would respect this older family members place and have confidentiality. Two couples meetings, and we did it family social natural style (bbq at first while children settled into a movie and we as couple's talked). My husband realized it was a "set-up" - and he somewhat accepted it and listened on the surface, but at least it wasn't me stating the obvious destruction (for which I was alone and belittled when I had before brought it up so many careful times) . This couple's meeting was not my idea in my "written intervention plan" which involved more support and family, but to me it was an opening to something, a type of intervention. Soon within a few months or so, and without more than two couple's meetings, this couple fell apart, the husband had relapsed; they are divorced now. For our life, our marriage and family unit, we have "survived" divorce, but we lost our house, and much much much more. For the last 3 years I have been unfortunately physically abused (with injury), and verbally assaulted continually. Our sex life is random perhaps monthly, we sleep together though every single night in warmth and together in each other's arms, seemingly our only peace. He asks me why I have stayed with him (while the patterns have never changed), and when I openly tell him of certain new discoveries he asks for me to "respect him and let him go". When he talks about divorce and that he knows he is a very bad husband and I deserve better, him saying he just needs to be single, not with one (another female) but just single, and he asks me why or how I can love him after all he has done... I say "I love you, and I believe in you and everything I know you want to be as a man, and I believe in me." And in the midst of the worst of days and confrontations about discoveries, I say to him,"God is only telling me at this moment to love you more." Recently I became sick, and in the hospital, a rare nerve damage of something that requires treatment now. And my husband went into his pattern, and he is in his secret world. But what I just discovered is that he was so entrenched in his secret world pattern of when I go to work, that when now I am "working from home" - and when he has time off of work, I am there, and so he's blatantly showing me that he has no control of this world even in my presence. And so what used to be a secret (60-80 % a secret from me but only in the details) - he knew I was aware of perhaps 20% of what his secret world but what he had been at least trying to keep behind my back, is now at this present time done right in my face (while I drive and he is next to me, while I work in the same room and his continual (hours) of non stop texting and even receiving photos of females vagina andd reciprocated with his stored photos of his best angle of his penis, and he simply tells me now, when I say "Please stop, not in my presence, he says, "None of your business what he is doing, you can leave me if you want." For the first time in 10 years I put a device on his laptop computer (unfortunately not able to place one on his ph or I would see 90% more detail), but I saw enough in the six hours before he discovered my download, that was all I needed. The shock with this method of discovery was that I see that his range has closed in, he is now almost exclusively seeking local females with the same pattern. There are four females that I perhaps should intervene, but I am scared, I am scared that for this upset and intrusion of one of his local quests that he might run to one of them and the real destruction I had hoped to prevent will be forced on our children, that maybe he will even recklessly get one of these females pregnant. At this point, and why I am here in Recovery Nation is that I realize I am a completely broken person, and while he is flaunting his secret life now in my face, and while I know that at least 4 are local females, I don't want to continue with the pattern and now I don't and I refuse to allow my life to have to keep up with the necessary protections to our family (where he might meet up with one of them, what is a lie or truth coming from his mouth, nor can I risk one more physical attack on me if I do intercede. Do I still believe in him as a man (all of his healthy goals and demonstrated potential) that he can overcome all of this and and on his own strength to "recover"- yes. But with his and any man's natural pride, knowing he loves me - has damaged me -has failed me- has robbed me and our children of this great potential he is, seeing how he shows his persona to each of the other women and how he wants to be seen as a man by a woman, I realize he will never be able to be that man with me after the horrible secret truth of his addiction (and the irreparable damage and losses). I am the ONLY person in the world that knows his daily person, patterns, needs, addiction and the losses (and real reason for the losses). I need to recover, I need to stop compartmentalizing and focus on whole life health, and somehow plan for the most peaceful devastation possible for our family (letting him go and start clean "as the man he wants to be to a woman" -after his recovery- if he chooses). I need support and I found Recovery Nation. Part of compartmentalizing is that my job is a pubic figure, I am very scared for our children, for us all who will be impacted. I have nowhere to get help rebuilding a personal foundation in whole living except to start here.

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