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PostPosted: Sat Sep 15, 2018 12:35 am 
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Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2018 12:39 am
Posts: 11
I have been putting this off because I don't want to go back to this moment. The day my world as I knew it came crashing down.

I met my Husband in high school at 16. WE became friends and kept in touch as he went off to the army and I went off to college. I always loved who he was even back then. We realized our friendship was something more. We dated long distance for a year and got married. I was 22 and he was 23.

That was 4 years ago. I thought I had the perfect life. Perfect husband. My best friend. Someone to count on for the rest of my life.

On July 10th, 2018 I went to an appointment to refill my BC pills. The nurse asked if I wanted to be tested for STD's, they have to ask. I said sure why not, to please her thinking she was wasting her time since I was happily married and had been monogamous for the past 5 years.

I got a call the next day. I tested positive for chlamydia. I couldn't fathom it. I seriously thought they must have mistaken my piss with someone else. I did NOT for a second think my H had betrayed me. I remember even thinking that maybe I got it from a toilet seat. I even questioned if I at some point had blacked out drunk and did something immoral for this to happen. My mind didn't go to my H at all. It couldn't. He was the best human being I ever knew. How stupid and crazy that all seems now.

I raced home to talk to him. I recall tell him I have chlamydia and if he had ever been unfaithful, still not even believing what I was asking. He denied. I asked again. He stayed quiet and then muttered he had a one night stand a year ago. I broke. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This couldn't be real. We had a beautiful life. He was so good to me. What was happening?

How I wish it was just that. I would do anything for it to just be that. But what followed in the next 4 weeks were trickle truths. Each new secret revealed was another stab to my heart. A month after the 1st Dday I had decided to reconcile. I love him. He had made a horrible decision with a one night stand. I thought our marriage could be salvaged. The next day he wrote me a letter and in it he confessed he thought he was a sex addict. I was so confused. I was ready to move through the betrayal. What does he mean he thinks he's a sex addict? We also maybe had sex 1x a week. Why would he say this?

As the days followed and he attended his 1st SA meeting he came home and dropped more bombs. The 1 night stand....well yeah it wasn't just that. He had 2 1night stands before we got married. He slept with a coworker's wife 4x the month after we got married and before I moved to where he was stationed. He slept with a classmate 2 years ago when we 1st moved to this town for him to go to college. He slept with another woman back in 2017 on a guys trip to Mexico. He had called a prostitute over after I visited after his deployment back in 2015, was too drunk to find his money so didn't get to sleep with her. He was planning to sleep with some girl who was unhappy in her marriage. He watched porn on a regular bases and that's why we didn't sleep together. IT wasn't because he was tired. He frequently visited backpages and contemplated getting prostitutes. He also fantasized about any semi attractive woman, including my friends and family members. Even confessed to fantasizing about me in 3 somes with these women. Oh.....and he never used protection.

It was the worst pain ever imaginable. How did I have no idea?! How could the person I most love and trusted with my every being hurt me like this?! How could he put my life in danger without even blinking an eye?! It feels like all these years have been a lie. I feel like I don't even know him. How could he do these things and act so loving and lay next to me?! How can I ever trust someone or myself again....

I see now moments where my gut told me something wasn't right, but I buried it thinking I was being insecure. No. They were parts of his secret world coming to light. But wow did he lie good. That's the scariest thing. Yes all the women and porn and prostitutes hurt like hell. But it terrifies me to my core that I had no idea of any of this and how he could look me in the eyes and hide all of this from me.

The wind was knocked out of me. I thought I was for sure out, so I told my parents and siblings. Everyone cried with me and were in disbelief. Everyone thought he was quiet, gentle, and adored me. I don't know what happened...but when it came down to moving out I couldn't do it. I don't know why I'm still here. I just was so weak in the beginning of the aftermath of this all. I'm still in limbo though. I can't believe this is my life.

I am tired of feeling sorry for myself. I want to heal and begin living my life again!


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 15, 2018 6:47 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 630
Michelle - Welcome to Recovery Nation. I'm sorry you need to be here, but this is a healing place to be. You are not alone. The partners here understand the shock, fear, and pain you are experiencing.

Quote:
I want to heal and begin living my life again!


I am so relieved you said this. Focusing on your healing is the right thing to do right now. The lessons were of great help to me. I encourage you to continue to do them. Reading and posting in the partners community forum was also helpful. In my life, I found an excellent individual trauma therapist who has been very helpful.

I can say that you will feel better. It takes time and it's hard. But you deserve joy, peace and happiness.

With compassion,
dnell


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 18, 2018 6:56 pm 
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Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2018 12:39 am
Posts: 11
I am strong and independent. Others admire my resilience. I know that I cannot put my happiness or well being on another person, but myself.
I am a good friend. I am there to listen and not judge and give advice when my friends need it. I show them I care.
I am a loving sister and daughter. I spend time and am in frequent contact with my loved ones. I make plans and stick to them and celebrate their accomplishments and successes.
I love myself. I am in control of my well being and put time and effort into things that support this. My physical health and mental. I choose to not dwell in the negative and be optimistic. I work out. I see family and friends. I take bubble baths and read inspiring books. I allow myself rests days from school and work.
I am in a happy and healthy marriage. We are not perfect, but we are always striving to improve. I can appropriately express myself and my husband listens and can do the same. We have an intimate relationship and we both feel safe. We have a safe and healthy foundation to start a family.
I am spiritual and practice it daily. I pray and give thanks for all the wonderful things in my life. I know there is a God because I see there is a lot more good than evil in the world. I choose to take in the beauty of the world and add to it.
I nourish relationships that are important to me. Not just my marriage. I call friends. I visit them. I make plans and stick to them.
I enjoy life to the fullest. I am grateful for the life I am given and know that I have the power over the life I want to live. I enjoy my coffee every morning. I enjoy nature. I enjoy laughing with great company. I enjoy experiencing new things like food and places. I enjoy traveling and seeing the world. I enjoy connecting with others.


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 18, 2018 7:23 pm 
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Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2018 12:39 am
Posts: 11
Exercise 3:

Before we got married I could feel my H becoming distant. It felt different. When I'd ask him he said he was busy with work. My gut was right, he now admits this is when he started having physical act outs from his addiction. I put it on me just having cold feet about getting married.

After we got married I moved to where he was stationed. I had never had an aurge to check his phone or not trust him. I grabbed his phone one night and locked myself in the bathroom as I went through it. I believe I did this because my gut was screaming that something wasn't right. But I had no proof or anything to pin it on. I only found texts with a women friend. Nothing was inappropriate but I felt very uncomfortable. I pride myself in being very secure and not jealous. I couldn't explain what I was feeling, but I realize now my gut could feel something was off with my H. Now I know he liked the attention and if he hadn't stop talking to her that day I'm pretty sure it would have escalated into something inappropriate because he's an SA.

While we were newlyweds, I recall feeling so unhappy and disconnected with my H. We had such a great relationship and talked and communicated daily since we were long distance. Now that we lived together he communicated with me less. I tried to rationalize it by me having unrealistic expectations of marriage and him being an introvert. Nope....it's because he has an issue with intimacy and therefore could not connect with me on an intimate level that I so badly craved.

One night I looked at his phone and saw that he had snapchatted a woman friend late at night. Again, the texts were nothing alarming, but I remember how uncomfortable it made me feel. He reassured me he was sorry and wouldn't txt late at night. I put it on me just being insecure. I thought he's just too good of a guy he doesn't realize when he's messing up. There were a few more times like this. I never found anything inappropriate with his conversations with women, but i always felt uncomfortable. I know now that he had deleted the bad stuff and either way his intentions were to hook up with these women.

I recall our sex life dwindling very early on. I didn't understand since we are in our 20's. He would say he was tired. We only had sex maybe 1x a week. I rationalized this by believing he was tired and thinking this is normal after being married for a while. Now I see that was bullcrap. He just had already masturbated to porn in the bathroom.

When we were sexual I remember always feeling off. I thought it was me. While I was very attracted to my H I just couldn't get into it and my body didn't "work" as before. I thought this was due to my BC pills or that something was wrong with me. Now after DDay I realize it lacked intimacy and connection. He would kiss me very little and just want to "do it". There was no cuddle after.

DDay he told me a story that he had a 1 night stand. I found he had searched "can you get an STD from a BJ". In the story he told me he promised there was no BJ, that he had sex for only a second before realizing the horrible thing he was doing. Anyways, he then admits he made up that 1st story and he actually only has a bj from a woman while away with the guys. All the lies and stories didn't make sense. My gut knew this, but my heart couldn't believe anything different, so I accepted that to be the truth. I would come to find out 3 weeks later that no he had sex with said woman and then the confessions of all other 4 women he had sex with. Each time he said that was all the truth, I wanted to believe him so I did. But I should have trusted my gut because after I read about SA I learned to prepare for many trickle truths and not expect full disclosure. Even now, he says I know everything. I doubt it but I also don't want to bother for more.

Now I see there were many times my gut was right. I let my vision of him take over any questions. I thought, "He loves me. He'd never hurt me. I'm being insecure and needy." I loved him and put him on a pedestal. I worry so much how I can ever really listen to my gut. My heart still wants to think the best of people.

My H says he is in recovery. But I feel like he is just abstaining from the behaviors. He started working on the steps but says he is too busy with grad school starting and that he works on it when he "has time". I worry he is doing the bare minimum. I do see he is opening up more, but I need to see him making more changes and doing the work to believe it.


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 23, 2018 6:03 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 11, 2016 10:08 am
Posts: 135
Michelle, I know this is so very hard for you. Your sensing when things felt off turned out to be justified. I too have done the rationalising and thought “oh no, he would never …” Then it turns out we weren’t trusting our gut instincts when we should have. These regrets are tough but please be assured that we’ve all been there.

Likewise with trickle truth. Each revelation feels like going through yet another trauma all over again. Just when you think you’ve come to terms with this new reality there’s yet another blow. It’s difficult to deal with these repeated revelations. You’re not alone.

The one thing I would caution against is wanting to know the sordid details because these can put mental pictures in your mind that are hard to erase. We weren’t present, and we can’t realistically expect our partners to be honest about their extramarital sexual activities. We all want to cling on to the glimmer of hope that sex didn’t happen. My husband had a one night thing with someone at the beginning of our relationship. He admitted to being in the woman’s bed and naked but claimed he didn’t have penetrative sex because he had performance issues. In my young mind, I held onto that description as ‘proof’ he wasn’t unfaithful. Years later, and after d day, I realise it is not a genuine description of a man being faithful. In bed with another woman? Wake up! So the BJ/no BJ and whether he penetrated for 1 second isn’t the issue. It’s betrayal and by my definition, it’s infidelity/adultery. My definition today is flesh-on-flesh physical contact. Your definition of infidelity may differ, and your husband’s definition may vary from yours. It’s something both of you you need to define because you may have different ideas on what constitutes infidelity.

Be prepared for a bumpy road ahead. Only time will tell whether your husband can offer you the relationship you want. In the meantime, give your own healing some priority.


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 30, 2018 9:37 pm 
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Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2018 12:39 am
Posts: 11
Exercise 4:

Understanding- my H takes the time to hear me out and tries to understand how i feel. He also does this wit friends and family and always is there to listen.

Thoughtful- my H thinks helps around the house and running errands when he sees I'm busy or need a break.

Responsible- my H attends to his responsibilities to people, school, and work.

Patient- my H is patient with me when days get tough or when I'm having a bad day

Good tempered- my H composes his anger and stays collected. He will be able to express his emotions while still keeping composure.

Romantic- my H will do sweet little things and express his love for me by writing and planning events for us.

Honest- my H wants to be an honest man. With recovery he can be a honest man again ad share his truggles with me without fear.

Trustworthy- my H wants to gain my trust back and make me feel safe. With recovery he will learn the skills and in time we can work on trust in our relationship.


Behaviors that may get in the way:

Anxious- my H gets anxious with work and our relationship and this leads to wanting to numb and escape the feeling.

Withdrawing- my H tends to withdraw and isolate himself when he is experiencing emotions or situations that are uncomfortable.

Unemotional- my H struggles with being intune with his emotions and can come off as unemotional.

Impulsive- my H when acting out is impulsive and doesn't think how his actions affect me or the consequences.

Selfishness- The behavior is present when he is actin out and thinks that he "deserves" to act out.


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 30, 2018 10:31 pm 
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Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2018 12:39 am
Posts: 11
Exercise 5:

A). I manage my stress by talking it out with a friend or family. I also write myself a to do list to manage and organize my tasks. Taking time out for myself, like a workout, a bath, some fun reading also helps me destress. Not feeling like I had any control over my situation would make me turn to irrational behavior to try to deal with the overwhelming stress. I have turned to irrational behavior when my H revealed all the time she he was unfaithful to me and at times when I felt hurt from his reactions. I turned to throwing an adult tantrum and being violent towards my H.

B). I feel anxious and uncertain when I don't know where my marriage stands or how my H feels about us. I hate the feeling of feeling powerless over his actions and the outcome. When I test the waters and give ultimatums I am trying to have some sort of measurement to tell if he cares about me. When I don't get the response I want I feel like I explode with rage. I cannot think clearly of my actions and their consequences and I just want to inflict pain on my H for my pain. If I had not engaged in the behavior I'd continue to feel the explosion of emotions and pain and would have to process it all. I'd have to endure just how powerless and hurt I really felt.

C). Without addiction my H would handle stress by working out regularly. He would open up to me and discuss what's ad him stressed. He would open up to friends about his stressors. He would read to calm himself and relax. He would take a break and watch a soccer clip. He would spend time with family. He would come cuddle with me.


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 01, 2018 12:47 am 
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Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2018 12:39 am
Posts: 11
Exercise 6:

This lesson was difficult to think about. Before my husband confessed his addiction and multiple adultery I had no idea of his secret life and thought I had an amazing husband. I guess that's also a part of his sexualized mind. He had to cover it up and make up for it by being the "best" husband.

Objectified mind:
- He never would let me initiate sex. He'd always turn me down or say he liked to be the dominant one.
- He always had friendships with attractive women, probably in hopes to have them as affair partners or lust over and have them feed his ego
- When we would have sex, there was barely any kissing and he would get straight to taking off my clothes and entering me.
- We only had sex on his terms. I realize now I was just a body filling in for his need.
- He confessed to objectifying any semi attractive woman and that his affair partners and majority of sex with me was just "body parts"

Immediate gratification:
- He gave in to any opportunity to have sex with other women
- He chose instant gratification over the consequences of our marriage and his health and mine.
- He never used protection.
- His use of porn and masturbation
- His use of weed and alcohol

Observing immediate gratification:
- He cares more of making himself feel better in the moment than the long term affects it has on him or those he supposedly cares about.
- He is hesitant about recovery because it will take work and time
- He doesn't like to feel any discomfort

All or nothing:
- Our relationship. We dated for less than a year before getting married. I see now that the rush was due to his sexualized mind. He needed to feel my commitment of marriage.
- any little argument we had. If I told him how something bothered me, I think he would see it as I didn't see any of the good things he did.
- His school and work roles. He always needs to be the "best". Have the best grades. Be the hardest worker.
- He needs to know if I am staying or leaving. My uncertainty is a struggle for him.


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