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 Post subject: Re: spot's healing
PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2017 12:54 am 

Joined: Tue Jul 04, 2017 1:50 am
Posts: 17
Exercise Fifteen

+ is supportive of my decisions, even if disagrees or feels differently. wants me to be strong and independent. tells me i can do anything, i am smart, etc.
- has been questioning of my truthfulness in past, seems to be attached to the idea of my partner as a good guy also, admittedly confused. doesn't share my values, will sometimes encourage behavior that goes against my personal values.

~YM group
+ if respond, mostly supportive and well-wishing
- prone to lash out, victim blame, attack, criticize, encourage behavior contrary to personal values

+ listens attentively and offers supportive advice
- sometimes isn't challenging enough perhaps?

(other acquaintances I haven't shared with yet? too afraid and ashamed. seem fairly indifferent to unusual relationship situations, probably trying to stay out of our business)

*rape crisis center
*Recovery Nation
Spouses of Sex Addicts group
Codependency group?

I've enjoyed being a part of others' support system when I was able. I tried to make sure I understood what they were needing (not what I assumed or interpreted their greatest need to be) and how I could help them. Nonjudgmental and encouraging. Resourceful and even pushing a bit when needed. I think if there's anything I could have done differently, is to be less judgmental in the beginning, and to push more in a positive way, offering to help, etc. instead of being passive.

 Post subject: Re: spot's healing
PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2017 1:20 am 

Joined: Tue Jul 04, 2017 1:50 am
Posts: 17
Exercise Sixteen
-self control
-resourcefulness/good stewardship

I will be respectful to my partner/others. I will be kind and compassionate to my partner/others/self. I will be honest with my partner/myself. I will be responsible and accountable for my own actions and decisions, and let my partner be responsible and accountable for their own. I will be determined to achieve my own goals. I will be fair and just in my decisions and dealings with my partner and myself. I will cultivate self control in my actions, communications, thoughts, etc. toward my partner and in my own life. I will cultivate and defend my own sense of dignity, in regards to discovering and respecting my personal boundaries. I will be resourceful with my time, money, and energy. I will cultivate resiliency in overcoming challenges and barriers to my goals.


 Post subject: Re: spot's healing
PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2017 2:22 am 

Joined: Tue Jul 04, 2017 1:50 am
Posts: 17
Exercise Seventeen


B) I can give respect to others/my partner by giving him independence and privacy. That will provide him the space he needs to work on himself without interference. Whether he utilizes it or not is out of my control, but I can gain fulfillment from knowing I did everything I could to support his potential success by not hindering it. I will treat myself with respect by carefully examining, setting, communicating, and maintaining my boundaries.

C/D) From now on, I will not track/assess my partner's recovery. I will pursue doing everything independently that I can, and not ask for my partner's time or company. I will plan out my time independently. I will check in with myself daily about my personal boundaries, and adjust as necessary for the following day/future interactions.


B) I will be kind and compassionate to my partner by not criticizing his personal choices that aren't directly affecting my day-to-day life, giving him the space to choose freely. I will be kind and compassionate with my child by exhibiting patience with her behavior, as she has grown up in a traumatic toxic environment. I will be kind and compassionate with myself, remembering I have been through extreme trauma and am going through grief, attachment withdrawal, lots of change and new things.

C/D) I will begin journal time for myself and my child each day, so that we can express ourselves and our emotional reactions in a safe and private way.


B) I will continue being honest and trustworthy with my partner. I will only share what is asked for and what I feel would be beneficial. I will maintain personal integrity in our interactions and stick to my commitments. I can be relied upon to be steadfast in these arenas, and will continue to do so. I will be honest with myself about the situation, and examine areas of denial.

C/D) I will check in with myself daily about my gut feelings and my reactions to them, and journal them.


B) I have not fully held my partner accountable for his actions until most recent acting out. I always accepted excuses, justifications, lies, etc. From now on, I will hold him fully accountable for his actions and decisions, and I will not accept "explanations" of plausible deniability or assumptions of innocent intent. I will not spare him from the natural consequences of his actions. I will not be an enabler. I will not help him escape negative outcomes.
I will take full responsibility for my decisions and actions. I will not allow myself excuses or justifications either.

C/D) I will not be involved in protecting my partner any longer.
I will take daily stock in my decisions and commitments, and hold myself accountable in my journal. I will do better.


B) I have been flaky/wishy-washy and hopeless for much of my adult life. I now have specific goals, and will cultivate determination to reach them, despite obstacles.

C/D) Every day, I will go over my goals and take one solid step toward them. (building a support system, therapy, school errands, spending special time with my child, mindful eating, etc.) If any obstacles occur, I will not become hopeless and depressed, I will troubleshoot, identify the issue, and create a clear action plan to overcome it. I will keep my momentum.


B) I have felt trapped in unfair situations for most of my life. I thought I would not have problems with this after I reached adulthood, but I discovered that the decisions I make as an adult help to create and maintain my own trap. I will remind myself that I am not helpless. Difficult situations require a clarification of values and priorities to determine a course of action. Clear boundaries, accountability, and not saving people from their own negative consequences will help to break apart this pattern.
I do not want to oppress others unfairly due to my lack of discipline/emotional immaturity in other areas. I will pursue balance and healthy coping mechanisms instead of perpetuating injustices.

C/D) I will continue taking steps toward independence in order to have more control/power over my situation. I will hold others accountable for their actions. I will make decisions about my life with my boundaries in mind, with respect for myself.
I will acknowledge and apologize for any injustices I create toward others in my life (i.e. my child) and hold myself accountable to making them right.

Self Control--

B) I have felt helpless in regards to my own actions/reactions and choices in my own life due to the situations and patterns I contributed to. I will cultivate self control by reminding myself that I can make the best choice for this moment and improve my life at any time. I will plan ahead to help myself with eating and other disorganized/compulsive behaviors that need accountability and structure. I will work with my therapist to create better coping mechanisms for times when I feel out of control.

C/D) I will meal plan each week. I will speak to my therapist on Friday about tools and strategies for coping with overwhelming emotions.


B) I have felt an extreme lack of dignity in my life, throughout my life, due to shame and low self esteem. I want to develop a sense of dignity by making choices I feel good about and continuing on with larger changes in my life in a positive direction that I can be openly proud of.

C/D) I will prepare myself for success in school and with food. I will finish my financial aid requirements. I will obtain child care for necessary appointments next week. I will prepare my physical appearance. I have deactivated much of my social media, for the purpose of letting go of past shame and allowing myself to grow in peace and think of myself as someone starting anew with a good future.

Resourcefulness/good stewardship--

B) I have made choices against my better judgement with my resources in relationships, due to feelings of obligation or attachment. At this time, my best use of resources is to protect them and invest them in myself, my child, and my independence.

C/D) My income will be used on myself and my child alone. Any incoming financial aid will be budgeted and strictly disbursed on debt first, bills second, necessities third, and savings fourth.


B) I have long thought of variation, flexibility, and changing as something negative, even embarrassing. Fighting any bending I've had to do every step of the way. I will be understanding with myself, listen to my gut, and allow myself to be however I need to be at this time, while going through this experience.

C/D) I will combat shame I feel about changes I'm going through and fear of failure with my new commitments and goals, by engaging in self care and tracking and celebrating my progress each week. I will remain in my cocoon as I transform my life, and allow myself to be in this transitional stage without feeling negatively about it.

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