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 Post subject: Checking in
PostPosted: Thu Jan 18, 2018 12:55 am 
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Joined: Tue May 19, 2009 1:42 pm
Posts: 350
Hello, everyone.

I started this journey (more like being stuck in an airport for 10 years and not really going anywhere) and every so often I like to check in. After endless starts and stops, every kind of therapy you can imagine and some you can't, he's lying again. Between my gypsy fortune teller and my fabulous app that tells me what he's doing at least this time I know, I'm not crazy. It's tough to light me up like a Victorian gas lamp when I've got screenshots that can't be faked. This time I'm allowing natural consequence to take place and I have no idea what that looks like. I'm in good shape. No self-blame, not feeling it's my fault in any way, none of the bad stuff that comes along the first, second and third D-Days. By the time you get to 4, well you just don't count them anymore.

I get he's a good guy with a bad problem, I really do but I don't want to be lied to. That's my line in the sand. We have an agreement if he acts out he has 48 hours to come clean. Acting out is anything that is in his inner circle. Lying is in his inner circle. Lying about stealth browsing while he's alone in a hotel room is definitely in the circle.

For those new to SA, I will tell you if I knew what I knew now, I would have gotten out a long time ago. This must be the hardest of addictions to manage. My guy does SA groups, meditation, every addiction 12-step book he can download, he's had a polygraph and two disclosures (the first one was a joke) and several therapists. It doesn't seem to matter in the long haul. It comes down to accepting he will fail and finding a way to be okay with that (not something I've managed yet) or getting out of Dodge. :pe:


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 Post subject: Re: Checking in
PostPosted: Thu Jan 18, 2018 9:10 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 630
Oh, Voilet. I'm so sorry.

Jon's point about how our values erode in the face of another's addiction resonates here: you don't want to be lied to anymore. I don't want to be lied to anymore. I get this. It is so important. It's so hard to value honesty, and the respect it engenders, when our intimate partners do not share that value or act on it.

You sound centered and strong. I'm sorry you are confronted with this painful reality.

dnell


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 Post subject: Re: Checking in
PostPosted: Thu Jan 18, 2018 1:31 pm 
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Joined: Tue May 19, 2009 1:42 pm
Posts: 350
Dnell, thank you for the love and the validation I'm strong. I'm not strong or Mother Theresa enough to stay in loving kindess and compassion. I slip in a frosty place, the walls go up. My way of taking care of me but a terrible way to conduct a relationship. My mother once told me to remember the ties that bind. Goes right back to the loving kindness and compassion doesn't it. I don't think it's strange, in fact I'd say very human to want to protect ourselves from someone that hurts us, even if the hurting isn't intentional. I've often considered the whole no gun to his head reasoning. I've said it to. "It's not like there's a gun to your head making you act out." Maybe I can't see the gun that he holds.

Ironically, my guy values honesty, he says it's on the why I love you list, but he can't seem to figure it out for himself. I have noticed that his SA creeps back into our lives. It's the equivalent to the one social drink here, and then I'll just have a beer with the pizza and the next thing you know he's out cold. I'd rather he just didn't try, it would be easier than what I have. Someone that truly tries and still can't get it. Makes it harder to leave. Oh, that means I do have a shred of loving-kindness and compassion. Helps him, doesn't help me except I have a parking space in Heaven with my name on it.

I made an appointment with my therapist and today, I will use your wise words to make a plan. I always feel better with a plan.

Thanks for listening, I hope the experience of a long time SA partner helps someone here.


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 Post subject: Re: Checking in
PostPosted: Thu Jan 18, 2018 5:04 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 630
Violet, I am so glad you are making an appointment to see your therapist and to devise a plan. Taking care of you, that's the top priority.

I know what you mean about the challenge in staying in loving kindness. But that loving kindness must extend to ourselves. I can be compassionate that my husband suffers from his addiction and early trauma, but I still hold him responsible. I as well have said "no one held a gun to your head." Let's remember the truth of that. They may have FELT helpless; but the reality is they are still responsible for their choices. All of them. All the time. So the most loving thing we can do for ourselves might be to let go of our partners if they fail to be sincere about their recovery; if they continue to lie; if they continue to act out. Loving kindness to ourselves is our first responsibility. It's not unloving and unkind to leave an active addict.

dnell


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 Post subject: Re: Checking in
PostPosted: Mon Jan 22, 2018 7:13 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 11, 2016 10:08 am
Posts: 131
Violet, I’m really hoping you find the support you need right now from your therapist. Dnell has great words of wisdom too. All I want to say is that the best thing you can do for yourself is to care and nurture your whole self. Recovery is a tricky concept for most addicts including my addict spouse. They lie to themselves, that’s the bottom line. My husband is forever trying to catch me out in a lie or pointing out that I haven’t told him something (this is since d day) but what I always stress is that I’m not attempting to deceive him or betray our relationship. It’s almost always something very trivial, like I missed out that I’d gone to a particular store whilst I was out shopping. As if that compares to his secretive activities. My husband has stressed that he values my loyalty but when I comes to his definition of what he perceives as his own loyalty, his definition is a lot more “flexible”, shall we say. And add to that the fact that most addicts rarely admit to “everything”, my gut tells me he’s told some big lies and he intends to uphold those lies.

It’s a very difficult situation. My husband is not acting out with porn, I’m pretty sure of that. BUT.... I suspect there have been a few slips, a few viewings of less explicit imagery and regular masturbation habit that he won’t admit to. I suspect some of those masturbation sessions were precipitated by viewing “sexy” pictures or unhealthy fantasy. This is what my gut is telling me. I wanted him to tell me but I know he never will and he’s far too careful about cleaning up his internet history for me to discover anything. It’s not the situation I wanted. I can’t force him to be honest and he knows it — and that’s his modus operandi.

Today I had a moment when I thought he was acting a little bit outside of “healthy”. This was once again after a weekend when I was pretty certain he’d been having a date with Kleenex again. My first instinct was to ask myself what am I going to do in response? And I had the idea of taking myself out on a date with myself and treating myself the way I want to be treated. I felt it was quite remarkable that my first reaction was to think about being good to myself. Previously I’d have been so upset and rejected, and frustrated by his chronic lack of transparency and wanting to put me case for honesty to him, but not this time. I’m not sure that this is going to be a healthy long term solution though. I’ve been waiting for him to either admit to his masturbation habits or recognise how it impacts on our sexual relationship, but no. And I don’t think this is a good sign. After all, I’m the one “going without” and he doesn’t see that as having any significance to our relationship. I’ve been channeling my sexual energies and desires into the relationship and he isn’t respecting that.

Violet, the bottom line is you looking after you. It’s the only way to survive the insanity of a man who is prepared to lie and deceive just so he can look at pixels on screen and jack off. The behaviour is ludicrous when you think about it. If I knew what lay ahead when I married this man, I doubt I would have gone ahead. When I considered leaving in the early stages of his addiction, had I known what the problem was and the damage it would do to me, I’d have had no hesitation in leaving. I know how it feels to be dragged down into a hell where I found myself shrinking into nothing and I’m stunned that this man who professed his love for me would be the cause of such misery. So stay strong (because you’ve lived through your experiences and you’re older and wiser for it) and seek out the help you need.


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