Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Tue Dec 18, 2018 6:45 pm

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 6 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: Not being chosen
PostPosted: Wed Mar 14, 2018 7:43 am 
Offline

Joined: Mon Jan 11, 2016 10:08 am
Posts: 135
The addict’s decision to choose another part of the partner’s experience that isn’t fully addressed when we’re told our addict partner’s behaviour isn’t any reflection on our attractiveness or desirability.

Our partners did not choose us. Our partners chose to take their sexuality outside of the relationship. Our partners chose something else. They didn’t choose us. This is so relevant to where there is a sex/porn addict in a sexless marriage. They chose something else, or someone else, or fantasised of many others. Even if they only chose their right hand, they didn’t choose us.

To deny a woman of her sexuality and sexual expression within a marriage is a form of emotional abuse. It’s an unfair power imbalance when her spouse does what he chooses, but he doesn’t choose her.

Since my partner got hooked on internet porn he didn’t show any interest in me. He was already engaging in other addict behaviours before then but having access to this garbage in his own home was a tipping point.

After he reached that tipping point, I’ve never really feel desired by him. He never really initiated sex, ever. Since d day, it’s like I show up at an appointed time and undress myself as if I’m in a fitting room in a store or for a medical appointment. Sex is routine and unadventurous. Any attempts I have made to open up a discussion on what we might like to explore is more or less stonewalled. I’ve bought books on erotic intelligence, one in particular is for couples reconnecting after sex addiction but I can’t even try to bring up anything about how we’d like our sex lives to be. So I invested in my own sexuality by buying a couple of books on female sexuality pleasure and worked through the ‘lessons’. I had to do this in the face of his waning interest in partnered sex and the realisation that my sexuality did not ‘belong’ to him or the relationship. It was not a part of me that I wanted to lose again. In my naive way, I thought that if I did all the work on my own sexuality then things would be better for both of us. Wrong! Reading books on erotic intelligence doesn’t amount to much if only one partner invests in the relationship.

In the past 3-4 months he’s only wanted sex about twice, maybe 3 times. It’s getting less and less frequent. Whatever he’s doing, he’s not choosing me. That’s a fact. He’d rather masturbate and say nothing, he express no interest. I’ve been here before and here I am again. We’re beginning to fit the description of a sexless marriage, as defined by infrequent sex but there were many years when we had no sex whatsoever. That’s where we’re heading.

I don’t like this situation. I’ve worked so hard, put my time and energy into committing to rebuilding this relationship but the efforts to improve our sexual relationship are significantly one sided. He is not choosing me. That’s the harsh reality I have to face. I’m at the point of giving up on the idea that things will get better. And I don’t know how to reconcile this in my own mind.

What I believe turns him off me is the fact that I’ve become more assertive, that I have boundaries, that I don’t accept his behaviour was/is natural male behaviour, that his behaviour is his choice and it’s under his control. He doesn’t like it that I am damaged by his behaviour but he hasn’t exactly helped me to heal from it. So I’m not really allowed to talk about it. He still lies to me and lies by omission. He doesn’t understand trust must be earned and seems affronted that I find it difficult to trust him again. I want to heal. I want to deal with my triggers better. I want to have open, honest discussions about the past, present and future. He can’t do this without saying that I’m somehow at fault for the way I feel, and the way I feel created problems for him and for us. His attitude is keeping us stuck.

I wanted an exciting sexual relationship but I don’t think it’s realistic. So I’m facing the same reality. He doesn’t choose me. Why? Only he can say. I can’t ask because he’s not honest. If I asked outright he would insist he does choose me. But he doesn’t. I’m reminded of when he said that he didn’t see what difference his porn habit would make to our relationship. How about not having sex for 7 or 8 years whilst your wife developed disordered eating, body dysmorphia and a depressive breakdown? I guess that attitude shows how oblivious he was to the difference it made to me. That was way too high a price for me to pay. I’m not going through that again.

The question is, how do I live with this reality? This time, I’m staring it down. I’m separating my desirability and my core identity from his choosing/not choosing me. It tough though. I invested so much in the recovery of our but it’s time to think about my healing, my desirability, my right to exist as a woman in my own right.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Not being chosen
PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2018 3:28 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 146
I am completely on your wave length.
My husband has never chosen me, when I was going back in my mind,I realised when we met..he was addicted, he has never made me feel desired. Never seduced me..
My husband also maintains "he did nothing..he was never unfaithful"
His responses are what stay with me..they show he never thought about my needs.
I too wanted a full sexually fulfilling marriage, I was open from the start..i was the one doing all the running,seducing, I missed those red flags.
I told him what I liked, bought things, confided,instigated..to be rejected,shamed.
To have him actually tell me he wasn't a sexual person..and me consciously deciding i could sacrifice sex fir true love..
And then to gradually find out he was an addict..that he was writing,talking, watching and getting his fulfillment from miriads of women online,contact mags etc..
Has been the hardest blow. I know what he wrote,or chatted about so I know he was in a fantasy of wanting to please,serve..worship...seemingly anyone but me.
It is an odd thing, that I find hard to equate. The total lack of passion or need to please me,its as good as saying he doesn't see me as a woman ,the shaming,aimed at stopping me being sexually confident..dirty Gerty etc
He doesn't show any interest in sex still, I think three times in the last year. On occasion he will act as if something is afoot, a caress, compliment..but as soon as I respond..he backs off.
At my age I feel that is it..and tbh, the need to have sex is now not so much to do with my husband..i have list all the desperation for him, which I realise wasn't reflecting my love..it was my need for him to validate me.
I too disconnected my sexuality from him..its a case of what's good for the goose,and tbh, I realise I only ever felt empty and disconnected when we did have sex. The joy went when I looked at his shut eyes and inert body just lieing there,saying nothing. it triggered me terribly,wondering who he was thinking about.
That is why I am no longer putting effort into seeking his validation,or trying to get him to change,
I need to concentrate on myself, I now see that since I was a teenager,I didn't develop or blossom as I should have,I can see at last how my whole perception of myself and what I thought was love was wrong.
I know a lot of my problems are trauma bonding,Attachment anxiety related,


Last edited by jenny56 on Thu Mar 15, 2018 6:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Not being chosen
PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2018 3:53 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 146
I completely understand.
And this is something I cannot forgive,he chose everyone..over me
And his explanations..as they were,made it clear that he was conscious of other woman needing to be desired, needing to be fulfilled..but when it came,comes to me..he just doesn't seem to think I have any needs, often it felt like a conscious decision to deny me,and to keep me unfulfilled, even humiliate me after leading me on with a hint,a suggestion


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Not being chosen
PostPosted: Fri Mar 16, 2018 6:39 am 
Offline

Joined: Mon Jan 11, 2016 10:08 am
Posts: 135
I think our husbands are prone to the madonna/whore syndrome and I’m wondering whether this is a common trait in sex addictions, that they can’t be fully sexual with their spouse yet will indulge their sexuality elsewhere. My husband described his motivations as being naughty and secretive, which is a very childish description when you think of it, but it gives away his notion about sex as being something is in some respects “bad” or “wrong” and needs to be hidden. It’s not a foundation for developing a healthy attitude towards sex and sexuality. The thing is, as spouses it’s like we become the grown up, the matriarch or whatever, and the ones they have to hide their immature adolescent sexuality from, not the ones they want to be sexual with. I suppose in that context they would say they weren’t that into sex but how I interpret that now is that they aren’t into the emotional intimacy that is part of a healthy adult sexual relationship.

The tradgedy for the female partners is that so much is denied us. Our sexuality is denied an existence. Meanwhile we have no say and sometimes no knowledge about their sexual activities outside of the relationship. We are further disempowered when the onus is on us to initiate sex because they get to decide. They have the power to say yes or no. The power of choice, and it reached the point when I was being turned down every time. He didn’t choose me, even when I laid it on a plate he didn’t choose me. When they don’t initiate, there’s nothing for us to say yes or no to. There never is. I felt very marginalised in my own marriage. I couldn’t see how disempowered I had become. He chose not to choose me. It hurts to know that.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Not being chosen
PostPosted: Mon Mar 19, 2018 7:15 am 
Offline

Joined: Mon Jan 11, 2016 10:08 am
Posts: 135
I’m asking for emotional connection with physical touch. My husband says he can’t give me that. I’m not even asking for sex, just touch. My sad realisation is that I don’t think he is capable of connecting to me emotionally. It’s like the ‘no empathy’ thing all over again. Quite honestly, I’m sick of it. I’m sick of on one hand being this objectified body that he says he desires, but being neglected and untouchable on the other. How can I reconcile these bizarre polar opposites in my own mind?

I’m beginning to accept that I will remain ignored and untouched because that’s his ‘normal’. There aren’t any boundaries — or at least as far as I can see — that I can invoke for my own protection. How can I set boundaries for what is essentially a void? An absence? It seems impossible. Self care gets a bit lonely and directionless at these times.

He isn’t choosing me. In the past he would use excuses such as my unavailability, or my lack of interest even though my reality was that he never initiated, and I was being turned down every time I initiated. He can’t use those excuses any more. He is the one who is unavailable, as was the case during his active addiction.

I’m right back at the cusp where I had to make the decision to accept a sexless marriage. I feel that I went through all that heartache after d day just to end up in the same place. Only this time I AM communicating. I AM trying to keep the dialog open. I AM wary of repeating the past and I’m doing my best not to. I really have tried. The problem is with him. I know I play a role too. I am half of this partnership. I’ve been frustrated every step of the way by his non response, his inability to empathise, the efforts wasted, the huge emotional investment. What’s it all been for? So he can choose his right hand? No. It’s not been worth all that effort.

The positives are to do with my own personal growth. I’m not that one down victim any more. I don’t hate my body any more. I own my sexuality rather than give him the power to allow it to exist in the first place. I know myself better. I know my values. I know my worth. The relationship may well limp on or it could end, but not for the want of effort on my part.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Not being chosen
PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2018 3:12 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 146
The blaming was the thing..even down to he didn't want to get intimate because ..the bedroom wasn't tidy..
Now I look at it and know it wasn't me, my husband had..has the problem.
And in fact I realize I never really got much from the sexual interaction. In my mind I was waiting , imagining an experience I have never had, I was in a fantasy land, I see how I was wrapped up in seeing him as I thought he should be, and imagining some mills and boon fireworks where our love would be perfect.
I see clearly that it never was,I was left unfulfilled, making excuses and waiting for the next time..when it would be perfect, and it would be clear we were Soulmates,meant to be..that I would feel whole
I have thought about it,and I don't even want sex with anyone tbh, I know I would be looking for something more the physical intimacy really,..i was looking for validation, I was seeking connection.
I am working on self partnering now, finding out why I am like this..why I have always been like it..looking to be made while and feel desired..worthy..by being in a relationship.
I do find the positive meditations when I am getting in touch with my inner self etc..i feel better
I know my husband has some real damage, and he never was who I thought..and I don't think he will suddenly have that light bulb moment,as he does everything to avoid any reflection, meaningful conversation, intimacy on any level.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 6 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group