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PostPosted: Wed Sep 05, 2018 3:56 pm 
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Joined: Tue May 22, 2018 2:27 am
Posts: 25
Really need some feedback/support/identification.

As I posted I ended things with my partner last week. This is the background which is relevant I think to the current trauma.

We had been separated, no contact other than practicalities, for 3 months. I had been planning to contact him to arrange a date so I could tell him I wanted to end things. The day before I was going to arrange dates via email I had a call from my dad who has suspected cancer. I thought I couldn't go through with it then and would wait.

The following week I went for my full STD screen which I also had not been able to face. I had some itching though and thought I needed to get tests done. At the clinic they made an urgent referrral for me for cervical cancer tests. I had not expected that and it was a massive shock. Two doctors looked at me and the second said she thought it was probably just cysts, but it needed to be checked out. My feeling now is it is cysts but it was very difficult at the time.

The following day, not having seen my partner for over three months, I bumped into him in a shop. I had just been doing some very powerful journalling, had been lying on the grass and swimming in a lake, and I felt very grounded. It felt right to speak - I wanted to, so we went to a cafe. We spoke for one and a half hours. I found the words to tell him. He was devastated but he accepted it. He was full of remorse and is working very hard on his recovery but my decision felt clear.

However since seeing him I have been plunged into intense grief, which I would expect, but also trauma type responses. A few days later I was shaking, my ability to function has been impaired and I find myself looking obsessively online, for information about partners of sex addicts mainly, but also a bit about sex addiction. I did this a lot at first after d-day but I haven't done it for ages. I don't know if its helping or making things worse for me. I think I'm desperately trying to make sense of things again. Seeing him has brought up all of the disbelief and shock again of how he could deceive so masterfully. How he was two people.

This evening I opened a letter addressed to the occupier - it was a letter from the postal service confirming redirection of my ex partner's mail, which he has evidently just arranged. In the details were my partners name, and the address mail will be sent to was 'confidential'. I feel really triggered by this. He is allowed to know where I am but his whereabouts are 'confidential'. This is a bitter irony - mirroring the three and a half years of our five year relationship where he knew everything about me but a whole part of him was 'confidential'. It feels really controlling in some way, and makes me wonder if that was a larger part of his dis-ease than I want to think. Because he didn't gaslight me - he had no need to, his behaviours were completely hidden and I didn't suspect or need to challenge him, I didn't think getting a kick out of control was part of his thing. Now I wonder, although it may have been unconscious to him, if that was all part of the sick pattern.

Now I'm thinking maybe that's just what the postal service does and always puts that, I guess I can find out. In any case it's made me angry.

I would really welcome some thoughts on any or all of this. Have been feeling very alone again even though I do have many people I can and do share with.

Luna Ray


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 05, 2018 4:51 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 630
LunaRay - Are you in individual counseling? If not, this would be a great time to find someone to help with the understandable trauma you are facing. I think it is understandable that you would feel a roller coaster of emotions right now. Whatever you can do to focus on your well being is critical. You will get through this. But, please do not rule out getting as many support resources as possible.

With compassion,
dnell


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 05, 2018 5:01 pm 
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Joined: Tue May 22, 2018 2:27 am
Posts: 25
Thank you for your reply dnell.

I am seeing a really great therapist who does Somatic Experiencing for trauma. I also have a 12 step sponsor who has also experienced betrayal trauma so that is really helpful also.

I'm realising I need to take more breaks from the trauma - consciously stepping away from being in the world of it by looking at all the online stuff, and do some soothing/nurturing/distracting activities instead. I feel I'm feeling too many feelings and almost re-traumatising myself by seeking out more information about the trauma - the cause, the impact etc. I also want to be gentle and forgiving around the fact that I have been doing that. I hadn't been doing it for a good while - I think the combination of everything hurled me back into it again.


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2018 6:46 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 630
I hear you! Early on I was almost compulsive in reading about SA and partners' healing. I know it was safety seeking on my part and a way to make sense of the world after all the lies and gaslighting. And while information helped, it could also be traumatizing. So taking a break to do something peaceful, joyful, or meaningful just for you is a wonderful idea. When I do this, I feel so much better.

With compassion,
dnell


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 12, 2018 10:56 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 11, 2016 10:08 am
Posts: 133
Luna Ray, I’m so sorry to see you are going through even more difficulties. I hope everything works out well for your dad. Regarding the cysts seen on the cervix, I hope this is nothing serious. I have had some small cysts that come and go, but they were of no concern and completely benign. Nevertheless, with a SA spouse you need to take your gyn health very seriously especially the possibility that you have been exposed to HPV virus. It must be a very worrying time for you right now.

I agree with dnell. You definitely need support because coping with all of this stress and trauma is too much to deal with alone. Making the time to give yourself a break is very important too, if anything it makes you realise that there’s still a world out there and a life to live that’s not all about pain and heartache.

As for your husband and his ‘confidential’ address, all I can say is that I’m not that surprised given how secretive SA spouses can be. It’s completely normal for them, it’s second nature. You say that your husband’s behaviour was kept hidden and because you didn’t suspect he didn’t need to lie or gaslight. In truth he was living a huge lie and he will have manipulated your trust to get away with it for so long. I know what it feels like to be blindsided by that realisation that you would never have suspected what had actually been going on. The only reason why he wasn’t lying and gaslighting was because you never asked any awkward questions. It’s an awful, awful feeling. Once I learned about ‘lies of omission’ I knew I had been lied to all along. My husband still omits to tell me things and then he insists that he did, and I know that’s gaslighting.

One of the most upsetting things he said was that his secretive behaviour was never supposed to affect ‘us’ — yet the only way to get away with it was to exclude me, shut me out and play a confidence trick on me for years. Yet somehow me being tricked and fooled was how it was never supposed to affect ‘us’. How dumb is that logic? If I knew then of course it would have affected me and of course it would have had serious implications for ‘us’. I just wish I knew 20 years ago and then I could have lived my life differently. When I look back to around 16-17 years ago, I was seriously thinking of leaving my husband because I was so unhappy although I had no clue about his addiction, not really. I’d never experienced the way he started treating me from that point. Always shouting, upsetting me and then saying nasty things to me if I cried. He lost all sexual interest in me and was emotionally distant. Stupid me put it down to “maybe he’s having a midlife crisis”. I should have left then. Instead I still believed in love conquering all, only to be pushed to the point of breakdown years later, developing depression, disordered eating and body dysmorphia throughout this slow decline of my mental health. I tell my story as a warning to other women. To anyone young enough I’d say get out whilst you can if you see no change.


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