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PostPosted: Tue Oct 02, 2018 11:04 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 11, 2016 10:08 am
Posts: 131
One thing I realised today is that my husband will never experience the pain that his behaviour caused for me.

I doubt he can ever truly know how it feels to be sexually rejected for many years in the knowledge that his spouse was seeking their sexual gratification outside of the relationship. He will never understand how it feels to be deceived on such a scale and then insulted by gaslighting and accusations of mental instability. Nor will he know the anguish of feeling so unwanted and insignificant to the point of depression and self harm, which in my case manifested as an eating disorder. . I can say with some certainty that he will never know or understand this pain.

He may say that he felt shame and self loathing when he was in his addiction, but no one was deceiving him. He was acting out of choice, and part of it involved deliberation and secrecy. To know someone else is betraying your trust is very painful indeed. He will never live through this experience. I doubt that I, in good conscience, could ever inflict this pain onto the most significant person in my life.

This is a huge realisation for me — that he will never know the pain of betrayal. I doubt he even has enough years left to ever experience something as deeply hurtful over so many years, and even if he has, it certainly won’t be in the prime years of his life.

My husband has very little idea about how forgiveness. He doesn’t understand that forgiveness is a process. That it is based on knowing what happened and accepting it as reality. It is about making peace with deception. It is living with the knowledge that the one you love most can also be the one who hurts you the most. That minimising and lying about what happened will only hinder the forgiveness process. My husband has nothing to forgive, certainly nothing of this magnitude. Yet somehow he expects forgiveness whilst still holding on to his option to deceive.

I feel that this realisation is significant. It’s a significant part of the reason why I am stuck. I suspect it’s the same for many partners, especially those betrayed throughout what should have been the best years of their lives. We can’t go back and live those years again. We will forever be looking back at our lives with at sadness and regret, and the knowledge that our lives were never as we believed.

For those of us who have waited in vain for empathy and understanding, we can could perhaps learn the art of self-compassion. Perhaps this is about me letting go of that need to be understood by my spouse. I don’t think he will ever get it. Perhaps this is just another stage in my own healing.


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 03, 2018 2:26 am 
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Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 146
Your words echo how I feel.
I realised that my husband would never understand, or try to some time ago.
My husband has never opened up, never disclosed, never owned his behaviour.
It has been hard coming out if denial about how little he actually feels. But I know he can't or won't understand or feel my pain. To get him to understand the culmlative effect of thirty plus years of rejection and betrayal is beyond him. It is the responses and non accountability etc that makes forgiveness impossible for me.
I thin k the sticking point is the fact that he has never sat down with me and opened up, never shown he is vulnerable, since d day he has never said a word about it, as if by trying to avoid anything emotional it will be OK. To me this feels as if he is a narcissist rather than an addict. I cant move on with him unless there is a glimmer of self reflection, and I am working on this aspect, I never got any answers, ex plantations. Oddly I am over what the I ciders were, what I cannot forgive or get past is his responses after he was called out.
I do believe this is part of healing, the letting go of the need to have them understand and truly know how deeply this has affected us. I have let go of the fantasy that my husband has the same depth of feeling, of empathy to ever understand, the illusion I had of who he was, loved, felt emotion and saw things as I did, .. In reality my husband just isn't that person and never was.


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 09, 2018 6:09 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 11, 2016 10:08 am
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Jenny, I have also observed an inability on the part of my husband to take ownership of his behaviour. He admits to it, or at least the parts he is prepared to admit to (if that makes sense). He has never taken responsibility for the lying and deception nor has he apologised for it. He says he’s sorry about how his behaviour affected me, and I believe he is sincere, and he regrets the time he wasted pursuing it, but he doesn’t apologise for the “what” in what he did. And perhaps he doesn’t regret the behaviour itself. Maybe that’s just something I have to live with. What I do want to hear more than anything is that he apologises for the lies. His behaviour was damaging, but the lying was worse. The deception before d day *could* be explained as addict behaviour, but lying to my questions after d day is the big hurt, and I need him to own it and apologise to me — not so much because it hurt me (it did) — but for telling lies and taking responsibility for telling those lies. I don’t want to hear excuses like “I couldn’t remember everything” or “I felt ashamed of myself” or whatever. I want to hear “I’m sorry I lied to you. You needed answers and I chose to lie. I’m sorry I did that. It was a poor decision.”

My husband wants me to trust him, but I don’t think he “gets” trust at all. He seemed to believe that if I couldn’t trust him, it was some sort of failing on my part. He felt entitled to my trust and seemed to be insulted that I found it difficult. He couldn’t understand why I had lost faith in him. He understands (in theory) that trust is earned and I *think* he understands that trust can be lost in an instant. Nevertheless, he still seems to expect me to trust him. The missing piece of the puzzle that I’ve just found is that he feels entitled to lie when it suits him AND yet expects me to trust him. This has been our biggest stumbling block. He tells me *I’m* stuck but really it’s him.

For years he had my trust, and throughout those years he thought lying was justifiable. I believed him when he said the train was delayed and he’d be late home. Why wouldn’t I believe him? I trust(ed) him. The truth is, he decided to take a detour to go and watch strippers. He comes home and he realises I suspect nothing. As long as I trust him, he knows he can do what he wants as long as his lie keeps working. Now it’s a different situation. There’s no more fairytale happy-ever-after trust. That’s a naive and stupid kind of trust. I had to take a big chance in trusting him after d day but he carried on lying. I began to trust again and he ruined it by lying to me all over again. Every time a lie or omission comes to light my heart sinks, and then he berates me for not trusting him. Is he really so surprised?


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 15, 2018 8:33 am 
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Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 146
Funny isn't it. My husband had my trust for years too, I trusted in after first d day.. It never crossed my mind to mistrust him again till the next d day years later
Sadly he proved he wasn't trust worthy. Yet he doesn't see he did anything.. And hence has the get over it mentality.
I can't see how I would ever trust him again. Its a trust on a deeper level than any single incident.. Its a whole character trust.. A trust of him having my back, which I have lost.


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