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PostPosted: Wed Jun 24, 2020 10:24 pm 

Joined: Fri Oct 28, 2011 12:15 pm
Posts: 74
Location: Midwest
I have so many feelings and I am all over the place.

I had my line drawn. You cheat again, I leave. Pretty simple, right? I meant it too.

I drew that line upon discovery in October of 2011. He didn't relapse in 3, 6, or 12 months. He relapsed 9 years later. What do I do with that? We grew so much, we became a better couple, we were happy. Now that I have 9 more years invested and those were wonderful years...well, hold on. The first 2 years were shit, who am I kidding. We had 7 wonderful years.

Last Tuesday, the evening of June 16th is my new discovery date. This time instead of sleeping around with random women all over the state, that was sex and sex alone. This time he had a 6-month affair with someone from his office, someone that reports to him. So not only was it sexual, it was emotional too. This one really hurt. She is also married with a young child.

He says that it was the disease again and that he lied all of those years about porn (his root cause) he never gave it up. Then 6 months ago at an office holiday party, he threw it all away when he became so intoxicated that he could barely speak. Luckily I was not there to see it. It was at this party that he and she kissed. Then at the office, she told him about the kiss and the dirty talk they had at the party. This triggered him and his disease and they began sleeping together shortly after that, so, around mid-December.

They has sex in the office, they met at business parking lots to have sex, they went to her house twice our house once. Durin quarantine is when they would meet at random places of businesses to have sex in the car. While I was at home, thinking he was running a simple errand or picking up some groceries, he was doing just that but with a meet up on the sly.

There was one day when he left to meet her and I could tell by looking at him something was not right, it was written all over him. This was at the beginning of June. That triggered me and I started to become suspicious, but not really concerned. He had his desk/office set up downstairs and mine upstairs. There were some days when he would stay down there after 5 and it didn't make sense to me. So on Tuesday the 16th I went downstairs to talk with him. His computers still on and he saying he was fiinishing up some things. That's when I noticed the dreaded flashing Chat Indicator. I waited to see if he would open it but he did not.It was after that , that I asked him about it and he told me that he had been sending flirty chats with her for a while and he was sorry. Then later that night it was, he kissed her at the party but they have not had sex. Then it was, they had sex once and it was the day I was suspicious. That day. I asked him to leave.

He left, and stayed at his parents. This was a big step for him, because he had to tell them what was going on. Nine years ago, no one knew anyything. So the next day from his parents home, he texted me and that's when he told me that he is a cheat, a liar and a coward. That they have been having sex regularly since the holiday party. I nearly died.

So...Here I am. He's back home. I've decided that enough items checked the yes column and that I could do this and still have my self respect. I feel that because I've been through this before I can work through it a bit easier. I' have been suprised at how, adult I seem about it this time. He has re-joined a mens support group that he attended for 7 years, he's going back to the CSAT that he once went to and his first SA meeting is Monday.

Has anyone else here gone through this a 2nd time dealt with a relapse? Does what I say make sense, do I sound like I'm kidding myself? Do you think that my husband thinks I'm weak and he has got it made now that I have forgiven him again? Do you think that he has lost respect for me?

I have so many questions. I need some support here because I can only do this on my own so long. I do have a meeting scheduled with the CSAT on Monday, she has a new certifiation (don't recall what this is) that focuses on partners. I am going to a partners meeting on Saturday and I am back on here. I know I need to take care of me. At the same time I have so many fears about him.

Love, Ash

PostPosted: Thu Jun 25, 2020 7:15 am 
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 668
Ash - I am so sorry. Sorry for what you are going through. It is so painful. I send you my virtual embrace.

Has anyone else here gone through this a 2nd time dealt with a relapse? Does what I say make sense, do I sound like I'm kidding myself? Do you think that my husband thinks I'm weak and he has got it made now that I have forgiven him again? Do you think that he has lost respect for me?

I haven't gone through a significant relapse yet, but I know many partners who have experienced similar issues at years 8-10. It's so very said and painful. Yes, what you are saying makes sense. You are not kidding yourself. Now is not the time to question yourself. You have done nothing wrong. You trusted your partner based on improvements in your relationship, and you followed up when your gut sensed something was wrong. With love, my bet is that your husband isn't thinking of you at all. He's only thinking of himself. If this affair is based on his addiction, then this other woman is an object. She's not a person with her own hopes and dreams. And what a mess she is to engage in an affair with someone she reports to while she is married with a child. This will not end well.

What I am most concerned about is that he never gave up the porn and lied to you, and most likely others, for all these years. In my view, my husband should NEVER stop going to his mens group, his 12 step meetings, and his meditation group. And, he shouldn't stop therapy until I see even more dramatic changes to maturity.

But you are focused on you, which I think is the right next step. Take time to figure out what you want and what you should do. I'm glad you reached out here for support. You deserve it. This is another trauma. Please be gentle with yourself. At this point, as you know, you need to figure out what is in your best interest. Your husband needs to grow up and get sober and get into sincere and active recovery. He may do that; he may not. You will be okay no matter what he decides, though you have trauma to deal with in the meantime.

You may stay with him; you may not. I have learned there are different ways to stay and different ways to go. No matter what, please keep the focus on you: your health, your safety, your well being. You deserve all your focus and energy.

Keep posting in the partners forum so we can hear how you are doing. Please know you are not alone.

With deep compassion,

PostPosted: Fri Jun 26, 2020 2:31 am 

Joined: Fri Oct 28, 2011 12:15 pm
Posts: 74
Location: Midwest

Thank you so much for your response. It means so much to be validated. I feel so alone, so lonely, so lost. It's been a roller coaster and at this moment, I am very down. I am averaging about 2-3 hours of sleep a night. It ways I feel healthy and like I know how to walk through this, I've done it before...yet there is this other part that feels beaten down, defeated, worthless and unimportant. I want to run far away but I want to stay close and power through.

I can slowly feel my confidence and well-being slip away. I think this is all due to a lack of sleep. I am also obsessing over his AP reading their instant messages over and over again. Checking the date then comparing with what he and I chatted about the same day. It horrible, it's horrible reading about their rendezvous at various parking lots around where we live and closets at thier work during business hours. Reading about their sex etc. I don't know why I need to know, but,I do. It turns out it's not as bad as my imagination was so I guess that could be a reason why.

I know I need to work on myself so I'll continue to post here, I have a one on one with a CSAT on Monday and a zoom partners meeting on Saturday. I just really ant to fast forward all of this 2 years. I hate it. I hate it so much. How could he do this to me again? Why do I love him so much, why don't I hate him? Why don't I just leave and thrive? I suppose becasue I don't belive in myself enough to do it. I'm weak, I don't want to be, but I am weak. So very weak. I don't want to give into the pain I want to move through it. Wish me luck.


PostPosted: Sun Jun 28, 2020 12:02 pm 
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3907
Location: UK
Hello Ash
Has anyone else here gone through this a 2nd time dealt with a relapse? Does what I say make sense, do I sound like I'm kidding myself? Do you think that my husband thinks I'm weak and he has got it made now that I have forgiven him again? Do you think that he has lost respect for me?

So sorry to hear this devastating news
but as Dnell says you need to put yourself first and protect yourself

remember that you carry no shame nor guilt in his selfish destructive behaviour
the fault lies with the addict, who likely continues to make excuses for his failings

One D day is devastating and I can only imagine the depth of the pain, so my heart goes out to you
I know that you will get through this, if only because you really have little choice but to do
do take care be well

Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo

PostPosted: Sat Jul 04, 2020 1:52 pm 

Joined: Sat Jan 28, 2017 5:11 pm
Posts: 23
Hi, Ash.
I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this again. It’s not easy. You called yourself weak, and I want to comment a bit on that. This issue is not your fault, but it can absolutely have long-term detrimental effects on your psyche and self-esteem. I don’t think you are weak, but I do understand feeling damaged, afraid of the future, and finally admitting to oneself that a commitment to “push on and make this work” might be exclusively one-sided, and that your husband may be counting on you to continue to put up with everything he did/does, and still love him. It might be his ultimate safety net; an ever-renewable “get out of jail free card.”

I wonder how clean he’s actually been living? Also, I think it’s important to consider that what may have been sex addiction 8 or 9 years ago, is now more a matter of a guy having an affair, and doing so because he was able to keep his wife before, so why not now? I suspect that my ex manipulated me sometimes with the sex addict angle. I now believe that some of his behaviors were very likely driven by that diagnosis, but that it doesn’t mean everything he did was driven by it.

Finally, as far as being weak, I want to encourage you to ask yourself what path in life has the best potential for making you feel stronger, and what path has the greatest potential for making you feel weaker? It’s so natural to stay in a situation because the other person has an addiction etc. and his or her actions can be explained by the addiction. I think a broader view of the situation might allow a person to see that, yes, that person’s actions are related to an addiction. But does that mean my life needs to be held hostage by that addiction? Does my happiness deserve to be the collateral damage of that person’s illness?

I think it can be possible to resolve these questions while staying in the relationship. From my personal experience, though, I can tell you that the more honest I was with myself about what makes me feel safe and happy, the more I became aware that the love I had for my husband was more a construct in my head than a reality based on how much respect, understanding, honesty, and loyalty he was actually giving back to me.

I wish you the best, and I encourage you to stay strong, and true to yourself.

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