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PostPosted: Fri Jul 24, 2020 10:04 am 

Joined: Fri Oct 28, 2011 12:15 pm
Posts: 77
Location: Midwest
I'm sharing this as to get feedback on my share, to see if both sides find where my H is encouraging. It feels like he is really in it for recovery this time. I have high hopes but that low monotoned buzz that is continuously there reminding me of the pain, the lies the deceit still hums. I think it will always be there. I am working on myself and have done a workshop through my PSAT on getting through the trauma, it's called "Partners: Find Your Post Traumatic Growth" it has really helped me grow and learn how to get back to taking care of me as I did before. So here's my share, please let me know your thoughts on this situation. Though I am working on myself there aren't any groups for me where I am located so this is my sounding board. Thank you.

My 2nd DD was June 16th and it was rough. We are moving through it now and it seems better and stronger than before. First DD was in 2011 back then he struggled with hopping on the R bus but went to his CSAT and went to a Men's group but continued to watch porn, he would tell me about his slips and then eventually stopped telling me and I didn't ask, I was ready to put it all behind me as well. Fast forward to 2020 and he had an affair.

I found that he didn't give up the porn and the years of continuing to act out this way turned into this. I was ready to cut and run but I decided to give it another go.

He has 35 days clean so that's a good start for him. He's back in the men's group, back with his CSAT and going to SAA meetings, and currently looking for a sponsor.

We met with the CSAT yesterday and we are going to do the full disclosure process. It's expensive but I feel it is needed in order for me to feel comfortable moving forward. He did say to us yesterday that he had nothing more to tell me that I know about everything. CSAT's response was (she has been doing this for years) "if there is nothing more, then you will be my first, and if you're my first then your are." So we will see how it goes, I have a pit in stomach wondering what could come out. If you are not familiar with the process it's where he tells me a full sexual background. We both have to sign waivers stating that we know how emotionally devastating it could be for me and/or for him after the FD then I ask him 5 questions. All of this is done at the CSATs office. Later that day or the next day he takes a polygraph where he is asked the same 5 questions. Then we've set it up where he will take a polygraph each quarter until I begin to build trust in him again. Then we can go to twice a year.

He says that he is fully in it this time and that he wants to stay clean and that he is willing to do whatever it takes. The fact that he has agreed to do the FD is a big step, especially considering the costs. He's normally very conservative when it comes to money and would have found some way to not do this due to the money, so that is a good sign.

I hope everyone else is doing well, I wanted to give an update.

PostPosted: Tue Aug 04, 2020 5:29 am 

Joined: Mon Nov 07, 2011 4:31 am
Posts: 331
I am glad to hear that you have developed a game plan to deal with your relationship, and that he has agreed to your game plan. I hope it works. It seems like you are going into this with eyes open and that is healthy self-protection, in my view.

PostPosted: Wed Aug 05, 2020 10:23 am 

Joined: Fri Oct 28, 2011 12:15 pm
Posts: 77
Location: Midwest
Thank you for your response, healthlove.

We are really trying and that's the best we can do. It's rough and I'm worn but I feel like I'm moving in the right direction with a few hicups along the way.

I hope things are going well for you too. It stinks that we found our way here but at least we're here for each other.

PostPosted: Fri Aug 07, 2020 6:04 am 
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 4048
Location: UK
Hello Ash
firstly I say how sorry I am to hear of your situation
One D day must be devastating but two!
that said the worst truth is better than the best lie

regarding TD
please be in charge here
Get the detail that you need
Do you know everything already? I very much doubt this as we addicts are notorious liars and are brilliant at denial, self denial in particular
I encourage your H to disclose as my non disclosure or drip feeding caused so much pain

hoping that H really is committed to recovery for both of your sakes
meanwhile you take care of you and try to start your own healing process

Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo

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