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PostPosted: Wed Nov 18, 2020 10:43 am 
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Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 8:33 pm
Posts: 18
We had a talk this morning surrounding communication and transparency. He told me that he is only doing this recovery program because I asked him to do it. He said he had difficulty writing out his values because they are mainly external things, rather than internal reasons. His biggest internal reason is God which I feel like goes above and beyond anything..and he is a very Christ centered man, but he also struggles... hence why we are here. He says that outside of God and my desire for him to change, he doesn't have many reasons yet. He also mentioned a fear of failing in this knowing he is doing it for external reasons. How should I handle this? Will his values change with time as he continues in the recovery? All advice from coaches, mentors, people who have gone thru this same thing, etc are welcome. Thank you.


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 18, 2020 3:21 pm 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 6:26 am
Posts: 75
Location: UK
Emerald29 wrote:
We had a talk this morning surrounding communication and transparency. He told me that he is only doing this recovery program because I asked him to do it. He said he had difficulty writing out his values because they are mainly external things, rather than internal reasons. His biggest internal reason is God which I feel like goes above and beyond anything..and he is a very Christ centered man, but he also struggles... hence why we are here. He says that outside of God and my desire for him to change, he doesn't have many reasons yet. He also mentioned a fear of failing in this knowing he is doing it for external reasons. How should I handle this? Will his values change with time as he continues in the recovery? All advice from coaches, mentors, people who have gone thru this same thing, etc are welcome. Thank you.


Hello Emerald

Firstly, I would say that if he is only doing the recovery program because you asked him to then he is not serious about his recovery. I would also say that he is doomed to failure if he takes that attitude. He has to actively want to change for himself, has to look inwards in all directions and not simply towards his god.

Not entirely sure what you mean by "external reasons" - can I assume this means time or money spent pursuing sexually orientated things?

Will his values change as he continues with recovery? Only if he wants them to, only if he can see further than his carnal desires.

How should you handle this? Difficult to answer as it is HIS recovery and you cannot and should not babysit him through it. However, there is always room for open, frank and honest discussion without emotional blackmail and without you feeling you have to make any uncomfortable compromises.

xx


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 18, 2020 5:52 pm 
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Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 8:33 pm
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Hey BrighidsPain,

Thanks for the insight. His issue is mainly compulsive masturbation to porn revolving a fetish that he discovered as a child. He "enjoys" the fetish but doesn't know how to control it or keep it only within our relationship. By external reasons, I mean he says that the reasons he would change his behavior is because he knows porn is a "sin" according to our faith. He says that he also believes that masturbating to other women besides his wife is wrong. I guess these would be internal reasons and values, right? But he refers to them as external reasons to change because he says that if it wasn't for God, or our relationship, then he wouldn't attempt change. He has yet to grasp the dangers of complusive behavior which is concerning for me. I believe that once he understands that his behavior is bad for his health too, then and only then will he commit to change for himself rather than doing it for his faith or relationship with me. I just hope that he can learn in his recovery and change his values to be healthy for himself, and our relationship.


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 18, 2020 8:06 pm 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 6:26 am
Posts: 75
Location: UK
Hi again Emerald

I get the external bit now :)

I totally understand your concerns about not grasping the dangers of compulsive behaviour. Hopefully, as he works his way through Recovery Nation he will begin to see how thing are. And hopefully the mentors will assist him as necessary. Would attending an SAA group perhaps help him also? I know it was extremely beneficial to my husband.

Good luck x


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 19, 2020 11:56 am 
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Joined: Mon Nov 07, 2011 4:31 am
Posts: 329
I think that this is something that other people experience -- that is, that they intuitively or even actually believe that what they are doing is inconsistent with their core values and bad for the relationship since it pulls them away emotionally -- but at the same time, their feelings don't align with their beliefs.

This was my SA's problem all along he told me. He knew that his behavior was not consistent with his own beliefs and values but he felt helpless to change it for a very long time, until he decided to do something about it and change his habits. it has been a very difficult uphill struggle for him and I don't think he has gotten all the help or taken advantage of all the resources available. But that's his problem and he is not willing to talk about this with me. Also, I have learned to pull back and just let him decide if and when he wants more healing, and I try to relate positively and mostly, just live my life in a meaningful way. It's not easy and I have many choices to make.

As for you, who knows if he will change or not. He might but for each of us I think it takes whatever time it takes depending on how much we do things for ourselves, not to please someone else. the difficult part is that there is not anything any of us can do to speed that process up or convince someone they ought to for the sake of the relationship and so on.

One of my mentors (who we saw together a couple of years ago) said to me "You wouldn't really be happy anyway if you felt you had to beg him to change for you, would you? Wouldn't you rather be with someone who wants to relate to you in a full and healthy way? But if he wants to have that with you, the motivation has to come from him."

Same message I hear on this forum. The only real choice any of us have, I have learned, is to work on our own growth and healing. Now of course, we also have choices. Some of us decide what we are willing or want to live with, even if it is not completely fulfilling. Are certain things worth the trade-off? For example, I know more than one couple who have stayed together to help raise the kids together, deciding that staying together was worth it.

These things are very personal -- what we're willing to live with, and what level of happiness we need before we move on. But it comes down to what will make ME happy. And that is a healthy selfishness, I think. I don't know if this provides you with anything you don't already know, but I am just sharing what I have discovered over the course of several years, and for my SA it's been a long, slow uphill climb. Meanwhile, I focus on what gives my life meaning besides relating to him, and including having a lot more compassion for him and trying to have a good friendship at least. But I am not telling you what I think you should do. Just saying how I have coped. FWIW.


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