Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Tue Oct 23, 2018 7:20 am

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 5 posts ] 
Author Message
PostPosted: Sat Aug 27, 2011 11:24 am 
Offline
Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5199
I am currently reading a book called "the Bond" by Lynne McTaggart. In one section of the book (in chapter 10), the author conveys something that, to me, describes beautifully what it takes to strike the balance between recovery and healing. She is talking about what some social activists are doing to open dialogues and create peace between rival gang members in LA, and to foster relatedness and healing in similarly opposing groups. The social activists are acting as mediators of groups, fostering dialogues that "move the emphasis away from who is right and who is wrong and toward who is wounded and how to heal. The aim is to help each party to recognize the other's pain or shame and, in so doing, to liberate each other from hurt and guilt."... "deep dialogue is the most powerful of healers because it dimantles both perpetrator and victim, allowing each to acknowldge the deep truth of an experience...".

The particular exerpt that struck me as a direct analogy to the balance of healing and recovery is when she tells of a former Nazi German soldier who shares his experience and participation in the holocaust with a Belarusian woman named Rothchild: "His complete candor had released something inside of Rothschild, an emotional compensation she didn't know she had been seeking" and for the confessing solidier, "the experience was a revelation. Surrenduring his fear and facing his past truthfully had created a miracle; Rothchild had thrown a bridge across the abyss and invited him to meet her on it".

"Deep truth and candid disclosure interrupt the cascade of denial... far more than does simply saying "I'm sorry"."

Using the quotes I did, it sounds rather one sided, but when reading this part of the book it was so clear to me what such an act of honesty can do, not only for the "perpetrator", but for the "victim" as well. It is this very kind of honesty that many partners seek and it is this kind of courage and selflessness that will bring a release of pain and guilt for both the healing partner and the recovering partner. For the recoverer, owning your past in such a way allows for forgiveness of self, freeing you from guilt and shame. Freeing yourself of this guilt and shame means that you no longer hold your partner hostage in the role(s) she plays. For the healing partner, hearing the honest truth, without anything but the straight up reality of the truth, allows for a validation of the experience, and opens the healing partner to compassion and that is otherwise suffocated in attempt to force validation and force responsibility on the recovering partner, the pull between who is right and who is rong.

The flipside is, the healing partner can also step outside of their role(s) by choosing to no longer engage or participate in the patterns (and for the sake of their own healing, if not for the healing and recovery of the partnership, they absolutely must step outside of these roles). But, for full healing and recovery to occur within the partnership, letting go of self-preservation and engaging in absolute honesty is a necessesity on the part of the recovering partner. Both parties must have choice in the matter, and when one party is making the choices for the other (by witholding or continued deception) the healing and recovery will be limited by the extent to which the recoverer is willing to let go. Again, this limitation is also imposed by the willingness of the healing partner to let go as well as each partner has 100% responsibility in the matter. But, the point of this post is to underline how important aboslute honesty is in the matter of healing and recovery as a couple.

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Mar 24, 2012 4:30 am 
Offline

Joined: Mon Sep 25, 2006 9:06 am
Posts: 111
:g: :g: Your comments are very well spoken and I thank You for sharing. As a Partner often stuck in a limbo of foolish and divine patience with a struggling SA;I believe in the value of absolute honesty not only as the framework for recovery and healing but also as a guidepost for monitoring recovery. David Richo's has written several books that explores this and I have found helpful.

_________________
"Be still ..I AM"


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Mar 31, 2012 9:59 am 
Offline
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:49 pm
Posts: 3834
I just read this link and think it's something we should all read. Coach Mel, I would love to see this posted as a topic on the partner's thread but open to both sides
.
Just an idea. :w:
Nellie James


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2012 7:26 pm 
Offline
Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5199
I think that would be okay. If we get any objections, it can be removed :w: I will do it now.

Instead of making it both sides open, I will post it separately in the recovery forum as well. I think that it will motivate more candid comments this way.

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu May 03, 2012 9:48 pm 
Offline
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 8:40 pm
Posts: 543
Bumping this up

_________________
"The past has no power to stop you from being present now. Only your grievance about the past can do that. And what is a grievance? The baggage of old thought and emotion." - Eckhart Tolle A New Earth


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 5 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group