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PostPosted: Sat Jan 03, 2015 11:00 am 

Joined: Sat Nov 22, 2014 3:43 pm
Posts: 64
Add On: how can I delete this thread? is there a function for this? I am asking because this belongs to a thread already running rather than a new one. I just overlooked it earlier. What do I do please? :ex:

I remember answering into a similar topic on RN a little while ago. Back then I was convinced that reading each other's posts/threads was fine for us. We had discussed it and agreed. Neither of us had anything to hide and reading or not reading was each of our choice. And either choice was fine. So far so good.

Now, about 7 weeks on I have realized I more often than not read my partner's threads as part of my 'keeping an eye on him' controlling behaviour. Not a good one! And it did get me precisely nothing. But I only realized this fairly recently when I started to let go and turned my attention to me. The compulsion to read his stuff is gone. My partner still encourages me to read it. Which I am taking as him wanting to show me his efforts. But there is no urgency for me now. A bit like take it or leave it. Difference now when asked to read a post, I do not give my input. I ask him for his. And if there isn't any then so be it. Move on. That's fine. Maybe later. I am done with giving him the answers. And I am pleased to notice that since then he seems to actually take on board previous info and act on it. But he is not getting any more from me like that.

This was the pitfall for me under the disguise of sharing and transparency.

For him things also were not plain sailing. His motivation for reading my posts and parts of my healing work was to help him develop empathy. It started off ok and seemed to work as a tool for him. But then my partner went into emotional shut down. Then into anger. Today it is a ping-pong between numbness and anger, sprinkled with windows of courage. He still continued to read my stuff and one evening he shared his 'insights' about one of them. I realized to my dismay that he had not read it properly start to finish. He instead cherry picked the bits that would help him fuel his current addict behaviour. He concentrated on anything negative and totally disregarded the positive. So I asked him to consider not reading my posts for the time being. After thinking about it he realized what he was doing and also admitted the fact that at this point he would in all likelihood still read my words through addict goggles rather than read the reality of my words. Credit to him for this self assessment!

Neither of us anticipated those pitfalls as both of us were too inexperienced. Now we both treat reading each other's posts with caution. I consider it a blessing that we recognized what we did and were able to talk about it. We have now both turned towards what each of us has to do for ourselves rather than feeding on each other. Which both of us did in our own way.

Just wanted to share this as it may be helpful for someone in a similar situation.

NewDawn x
Giving up is not an option...
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over,
she became a Butterfly!

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