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PostPosted: Fri Jan 30, 2015 7:13 am 
Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
I wrote this in response to a few different posts I read this morning. It is not consistent with any one particular post, but I wanted to share, anyway.

I found the book "the betrayal bond" very helpful, if only to help me identify the patterns within the relationships I have. I do not recall if they use the codependent label in this book, but the thing about the label is that it is useful to identify sets of behaviours that are typical in people who would be labelled as such. I understand that labels can feel as though they blame the victim, but it is not the label, but the way we use and interpret it that is problematic. If we can get past labels, there are a lot of useful resources. As always, one should "Take what applies and leave the rest". Anyhow, as I said, this book was helpful for me to see the patterns within relationship I have. I identified many people with whom I had a sort of "betrayal bond" and was able to distance myself from these individuals. For those who I didn't distance myself from entirely, I know what the behaviours are/the ways in which they betray. I am of the mind that we are responsible for our own actions and by extension, for the (random and not guaranteed) outcomes of those actions. This does not mean that I am to blame, but that I have choice in the matter. Sometimes, I choose to not exercise that choice and I choose to remain in a place of powerlessness. When broken down in this way, it seems like I might be blaming myself, but I am not. If I can choose whatever funk I am in and be with that as my choice, then I am always free at any time to work my way out of it. If I try to give away my responsibility for the funk that I am in, then I don't have the option of pulling myself out as I will be waiting for the responsible person or entity (i.e. "life" or "god", or "fate" for example) to fix it for me. In everything, we have power and choice. The task is seeing where that power is, and letting go of the things over which we have no power. Even when we see where our power is and isn't, it isn't always easy to accept and take appropriate action. Especially if we want to exert power over those things we have little or no power over, and if we don't want to take action where we can.

Be well.

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)

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