Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Sun Sep 15, 2019 3:10 am

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 7 posts ] 
Author Message
PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2015 10:36 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2014 7:06 pm
Posts: 28
Hi,
I have not been on here long and am up to lesson 5 on partners healing workshop.

I am off work at the moment due to stress/depression/trauma etc, so have been doing some catching up on recovery stuff.

However, reading some of the posts on here regarding the frustration, effort and desperation of dealing with all of this, I have to wonder and ask - should I bail out?

What is clear, that on here the partners are people who love/have a vested interest/ or just can't let go?

I say that as other partners not using this kind of support are already feeling well rid and getting on with their lives? They may be hurting as much as the rest of us and feeling heartbroken etc, but ultimately are resigned to moving onwards and upwards..

Why can't I do that!! I read some of the posts and think you poor love - get out! Then realise when I talk to dear friends and family they say that to me - but I guess I go conveniently deaf at the moment.

I hate to think I am that codependent or so scared of life without my Husband, but wanted to ask people on here;
What keeps you loving despite such poor treatment, results, frustration, effort, obsession and terrible painful situation?
Does the good out weigh the bad?
Are you an eternal optimist?

I guess it boils down to unconditional love, that they may not even deserve, or am I addicted to the drama and the wanting to fix it all?

Bottom line - would I have a more peaceful joyful life without all of this?

Is anyone struggling between hope and despair? I feel like I am going mad! Off work and unable to function...

Sorry for ranting, just feel like it is so unfair, I really tired of it all today but can't work out why its hooked me in.
Does anyone else struggle between the two opposites? If so how do you cope!
Thanks :t:


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2015 3:05 pm 
Offline
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 656
Toffeetimetraveler - I feel your turmoil in your post and I can empathize. Completely.

Quote:
Is anyone struggling between hope and despair?


Well, this line is a good summary of my life right now.

I have finished the partners lessons but I go back and review them since I get different things out of them as time goes by. But, I do believe that it is my best interest to make values-based decisions, and not emotionally-based decisions. And, based on my values, I want to wait and see if my husband will not only recovery but get healthy. Now, I've been married 30 years so, whew, that's a lot of my life. All of my adult life. I am also in individual therapy and in marriage counseling. Both counselors, and RN, are helping to answer these questions for me:

1) Why did I not know?
2) Why did I stay when I did know it was abusive?
3) Is there hope? For me? For my husband? For my marriage?

I have learned the answers to questions one and two, and while it is not pleasant, it is healing. I'm still healing and getting stronger. I have also learned, and believe, there is hope for healing and recovery for me (I know I will do this given enough time and help); for my husband ( IF he is sincere, and IF he continues to get help, and IF he gives it the time needed); and for my marriage given we both heal as indivdiuals. As my marriage counselor told me, "You have nothing left to lose. It is a risk and unpredictable. But there is hope. If you both do your indivdiual work, you can reallly heal as a couple." Lots of "ifs"; lots of risk; lots of unknowns. I am confident that I will heal. For my husband....I don't know. He's changing. He's working. He has a long way to go.

I am still working on being less emotionally volatile. I am still working on taking care of myself and focusing on me (much, muich better these days). I continue to detach from my husband's addiction. I am dealing with the pain and anger about my past; the anxiety (and pain and anger) about my present; and the anxiety, and sometimes hope, about my future. Tough stuff.

I do know that I am okay most of the time with waiting and seeing. But, it isn't easy. And, making a decision to leave feels like it would reduce my anxiety and stop future abuse, but the reality is it will bring a host of other problems and issues for me AT THIS TIME.

I have found an indivdiual therapist who specializes in recovery from trauma and she has been tremendously helpful. RN, the lessons, the coachs, the other partners, have been very helpful.

Be gentle with yourself. Grant yourself the gift of not knowing. (This was critical for me early on and is still important for me). I needed to learn to be patient with myself. I don't always succeed, but I am working on it.

With deep compassion,
dnell


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2015 6:05 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Dec 02, 2014 7:06 pm
Posts: 28
Thank you Dnell for your heartfelt response..

I think you have given a very clear perspective on the situation and how you are coping with it sounds very realistic and clear to you.

It made me realise that the limbo we find ourselves in, can be all we can deal with given other factors in the present.

I have had a lot of pressure from my Mum (who has seen me at my absolute rock bottom) to get out for self preservation and moral outrage. However, unless you are living this situation in someone else's shoes it is very complex isn't it?

My reactions to the events over the last eleven months has been a boom and bust, with us having no contact to full contact, threats and promises and everything inbetween. Its been a rollercoaster really and one I definitely want to get off!

Given my fragile mental health I need some stability and as I know I cannot really have that will at least settle for peace of mind. So I can see know how patiently waiting will be much more a strategy for coping than the fairground ride.

I spoke to my friend the other day (the only one who does not have a bias either way as to whether I should bail out or not) and her perspective is to not make any major choices, but just see what unfolds, while trying to get well. After reading your post that obviously makes perfect sense.

While not in contact with him, I felt utterly broken and unable to function at all, as deep down I know he still wants to be married and cares deeply. For example even though in a bedsit now he is paying for everything here, even with the threat of never speaking to me again. I do realise finally that he became very ill, but I have too. Once I resume contact I feel more settled and able to get on.

I have begged him to let me go in the past, asking him to tell me that he does not love me at all and say hurtful stuff, because in my mind I would find it easier to detach. I went a whole five weeks without any contact at all, it was very hard and I survived it day by day. The longer it went on and I realised I may never see him again, I was overcome with grief and stopped functioning. I wish I could be stronger sometimes - perhaps when I am better?

I think until this happens, I have to accept that it is what it is. Two people who are very broken, a marriage that is over, but still have invested a large part of themselves with hope for a better outcome.

Thank you, your post did give me the courage to speak to him earlier about how I really feel about his abuse of me and my unconditional love for him. I realised that I had nothing to lose, but needed him to realise that I matter too, am an innocent victim and that I was letting go of the outcome.

Sending much peace to you :sat:


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Dec 07, 2015 5:07 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Nov 24, 2015 2:51 pm
Posts: 65
I know this is an older post, but I often find myself browsing older posts. Some of the things stood out to me here.

Quote:
As my marriage counselor told me, "You have nothing left to lose. It is a risk and unpredictable. But there is hope. If you both do your indivdiual work, you can reallly heal as a couple." Lots of "ifs"; lots of risk; lots of unknowns. I am confident that I will heal. For my husband....I don't know. He's changing. He's working. He has a long way to go.


This just put into words, what I have not been able to say. I have nothing left to lose! If I walk away now I lose my marriage. If I stay and wait and see if my husband recovers, I very well could still lose my marriage, but I could also find that I don't lose my marriage, I could find it rebuilt eventually. What have I got to lose? I really love that line, even though it kind of seems too " light" for this type of discussion, it resonates with me.


Quote:
I do know that I am okay most of the time with waiting and seeing. But, it isn't easy. And, making a decision to leave feels like it would reduce my anxiety and stop future abuse, but the reality is it will bring a host of other problems and issues for me AT THIS TIME.


I feel the same way, most days I'm OK with the wait and see approach. Nothing in life is guaranteed. Since I still love my husband (unconditional love that he probably doesn't deserve as the OP put it) and can still have good days with him where I ALMOST forget about all of this (almost, but it's always there waiting in my mind), and can still laugh with him and have a good time with him, then I see no reason to go taking off right now. It won't make ME feel better, it won't make my kids feel better and it won't make my H feel better (not that I base any of this off of his feelings). So I'll wait and see, and if I ever feel that it isn't what I want, then I have the right to adjust my life.

_________________
"Flying like a cannonball, falling to the earth
Heavy as a feather when, you hit the dirt
How am I the lucky one?, I do not deserve
To wait around forever when, you were there first
First you get hurt, then you feel sorry."


-Cold War Kids


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Dec 10, 2015 2:20 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Dec 07, 2015 4:20 pm
Posts: 5
Well it's been 2 weeks since re-confronting H about his SA. I haven't actually started the lessons yet, but I've thought plenty about whether or not I even want to go through my own healing in this (my life with a SA) environment. So I don't vacillate much anymore about whether I want to throw in the towel or not. However, I gave up my career (nursing) 8 yrs. ago to spend more time at home, and with my family (3 kids, 9 grandkids). I feel hope maybe for 2-3 days at a time, and then revert back to "I can't do this anymore" for long periods of time, and ultimately realize I'm in a state of depression (again).
My problem is I no longer have a viable means in which to support myself. I really don't know for sure, if I still had my means of making a living, which I don't (let my license expire)...would I have left by now, or would I realize that I still have hope enough to continue on? So I'm scared of trying to go out on my own in a minimum wage job, to get away from this _hit!

I'm in such a funk now, because H professed that he will be fully on committed from now on, and what's actually transpired over these last 2 weeks is him retreating even further into himself, that he's barely spoken to me about anything meaningful! Certainly not "I want us to succeed, realize this is it, etc...." nothing! nothing! nothing!

So I did what I told myself I wouldn't do anymore, and texted him at work about how I was feeling today! Told him why would I expect that THIS TIME was going to be any different from all the times in the past 20 yrs? That likely he is just waiting for the dust to settle, so life can go on "as normal" with him protecting his precious fantasy sexual addictions and lifestyle. I'm just sick to death of the same pattern over and over, and am at a loss right now as how to proceed. Now how sad is that??


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Dec 12, 2015 10:18 am 
Offline
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 656
LikeDominoes - Welcome to Recovery Nation. I am so sorry you need to be here, but this is a healing place to be. The partners here understand your pain. I felt so sad and paralyzed for so long after discovery. What I needed to do was get a sense of control over my life and some emotional equilibrium. The lessons really helped me with that. I was skeptical at first, but, they were immensely helpful. I also read and posted in the partners forum. In my case, I also found an individual therapist who specializes in treating trauma.

If your husband is not in an active recovery program, he will not sustain a permanent recovery nor become the healthy partner you so deserve. But, for now, start the lessons since Jon provides excellent advice about things you can do to improve your life.

With compassion,
dnell


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Dec 13, 2015 2:33 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Dec 07, 2015 4:20 pm
Posts: 5
Yes thank you dnell. I know you're right. Going to try to make some headway today. I think I've read enough, and so very aware now that if I don't begin doing something positive for myself, then it's out the door. I just read a thread about the SA acting like a child, and the spouse like the mother. I told my H years ago that I resented having to fall into that role by default, because he just wouldn't be the adult/husband he's supposed to be! Well it's a long time later now so it fell on deaf ears. I just asked him to sit at the table with me and listen to 4 posters on this issue. He listened and confirmed that this is true. I asked if he was just saying what I wanted to hear, or if he really realizes what's happened? He says he gets it now. So I reminded him that NOTHING is going to pacify me anymore except real change. Do I trust his responses as genuine? No. The trust factor has been completely shattered through these years. Like you, I wish I had given the ultimatum long ago. Now I'm wondering even if he does start growing up and doing the hard work required to fix himself, if my heart is already too hardened toward him? I'm getting a real sense these days of just how deep rooted the resentment and distrust is. But I won't quit today. The lessons....the lessons!


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 7 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 6 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group