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PostPosted: Sun Nov 29, 2015 2:32 pm 

Joined: Tue Nov 24, 2015 2:51 pm
Posts: 65
So part of my discovery was gaining access to H's Craigslist account and like a train wreck, I couldn't stop looking.

Now the details of his ads jump out at me through the day. Direct lines from his ads will just pop into my head word for word. I try not to look at the ads anymore, but on very bad days I find myself looking at them and shaking.

My H was with both men and women over the past 4 years, his AO actually started with a man from work who gave him an ecstacy and then a BJ, and he has been long term FWB with an older man for the past 4 years. My H SWEARS that he isn't gay, I have asked him over and over because it wouldn't be fair to me to try and eventually salvage anything with him if he really is gay. He says he is absolutely not gay.

The details just will not leave my head. Mental images, mental movies, I'll often have very blunt things about what he's done pop into my head as if I'm telling myself the reality of it. Its like I'm subconsciously trying to shame myself for loving him at all anymore after he's done such things.

He's the type of guy that in my mind, if a man was coming onto him, he would punch the dude in the face, so it is SO hard to wrap my mind around his AO with men.

Anyway, do you find these mental images and the mental torment go away eventually? I've started the workshop, I'm trying to focus on myself more, but damn I hate this mental anguish that plays in my head daily.

"Flying like a cannonball, falling to the earth
Heavy as a feather when, you hit the dirt
How am I the lucky one?, I do not deserve
To wait around forever when, you were there first
First you get hurt, then you feel sorry."

-Cold War Kids

PostPosted: Tue Dec 01, 2015 11:47 am 

Joined: Tue Jul 01, 2014 1:38 pm
Posts: 67
Hi NeedHope - I found the whole flipped sexuality thing knocked me for six. My ex was cybersexing with both sexes and is convinces he is bisexual. I am not so sure. The more often I hear from other partners on here and in COSA about the same issue, the more convinced I am that the acting out is nothing to do with their core sexuality; it is just driven by the addicts' insatiable quest for novelty. I think there is an additional lesson on it in the workshop.

I am 20 months on and although I never saw what he put online, I can honestly say my mind went into overdrive. Yes, it does get better because you will learn how to nip those thoughts in the bud. Mindfulness helps. But it's a rough ride at first. Keep.coming back here and sharing. Don't bottle it up and don't be scared to cry. Crying is good for you because it lets the pain out. Hang on in there and know we are with you x

'The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows'. Buddha.

PostPosted: Tue Dec 01, 2015 12:23 pm 

Joined: Sun Nov 29, 2015 2:39 pm
Posts: 10
Hi Need-Hope, Thank you for your openness about your H's activities. I can't even imagine how that's made you feel, and I'm so sorry you have to go thru this. My H likes to view lesbians, which made me suspicious about him being gay. Over the past 20 yrs I've caught him probably a dozen times viewing, but have never seen him viewing men. The whole thing is so sad because of all the implications going forward. He seems to be willing to sacrifice everything for his porn girls. Me, our marriage, the grandchildren.....everything important. The last few times I caught him going back about 5 yrs, he's successfully managed to wait it out and see how determined I would be to do something about it. Unfortunately I ended up burying it under the surface because I didn't want people to know about it. All that's changed now. The damage done to my self esteem and emotions is eating me alive. Depression has already set in and the alcohol is taking it's toll. I just want to feel good again, and be able to laugh!

PostPosted: Mon Jan 04, 2016 9:38 am 

Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2014 12:20 am
Posts: 131
Hi NH-- I copied this from someone else's post a long while back, because it resonated with husband has also crossed the gender barrier in his addictions and I still have random images pop up in my head, while he is trying to steer us back onto to a 'normal life' path with his surface talk and nurturing ways.

"He says he loves me with all his heart and wants nothing more than to stay with me.....that is why I'm still here. Except the me that is here is a shattered, broken, crazy woman who is full of anger and self loathing because I am willing to stay with a man that has done the things he has done. It is imprinted on my brain...I question if I'm strong by staying and trying to deal with this, or just too weak to walk away."

It is always OK in the end...if it's not OK, it's not the end!

PostPosted: Mon Jan 04, 2016 11:07 am 
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 669
I question if I'm strong by staying and trying to deal with this, or just too weak to walk away

Here's what I have come to believe: whether we stay or go takes courage. One choice is not easier than another. I saw a good Ted talk by Esther Purel and she says today we shame people for staying in a relationship with a betrayer. That is the reality of today. But, it is not our shame. I feel it, for sure, and I hate it. I'm actively working on purging it. It's not fair that we have to summon so much courage to deal with our pain and the difficult choices before us. But that is our reality.

And, here is what I also believe: we are all strong. Think about it. We stayed in these relationships and TRIED SO HARD to make it work. That takes tremendous courage. Our challenge is to take that courage and commitment and focus it on ourselves. We can do it.

I send us all my virtual embrace.


PostPosted: Tue Feb 09, 2016 6:44 pm 

Joined: Tue May 19, 2015 7:43 pm
Posts: 16
I don't know if it will help you, but what helped me with a lot of my issues within the first couple months of d-day was something the doctor said when I was getting my STD testing because of my H's behavior. She said that she lived with an addict herself and that there are days when she has to take life not one day at a time, but 60 seconds at a time.
After that appointment the words "just make it through the next 60 seconds" became a mantra for me. I would make it through those 60 second intervals by focusing on all the external sensory input in my world in order to give myself a break from the rumination and turmoil. Stuff like "The stop sign is red and the car driving by is white. The tree is leaning to the left. It smells like rain. The neighbor's dog is barking".
What I didn't realize at the time was that I was, in effect, practicing 60 seconds worth of mindfulness, which is something someone else mentioned earlier in this thread. It eventually helped me make the shift from constantly thinking about his actions and questioning whether I was an idiot or weak for staying to accepting that what I am doing at this moment is what I need to do at this moment; it doesn't dictate what I need to do in one day, one month or one year because I reserve the right to change my mind. It's liberating to know that in the midst of all of this, I'm not actually losing myself (as much as it might feel like it some days) but instead, I am coming into myself and reclaiming my power. It is, as dnell said, extremely courageous and strong to focus on your needs as you understand them to be at this moment. You may change your mind, and that is okay too.
Another thing that has helped me is looking back over all the other bad crap that has happened to me over the years and all the bad decisions I've made, even before all this BS, and realizing that I am stronger and wiser now for having experienced those things and made those decisions. So it will be after all this is said and done.

Hugs to you.

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