Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Thu Jul 02, 2020 9:53 am

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 8 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: Punch to the stomach...
PostPosted: Wed Dec 23, 2015 6:33 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Nov 24, 2015 2:51 pm
Posts: 65
Sometimes my H and I get along well and I feel good about his efforts, and things seem normal so I " forget" for a bit. Then I remember and its like a sucker punch to the gut. It takes my breath away and makes my heart jump.

We are both doing OK, doing our lessons, etc but its hard to remember what he did, in the midst of things seeming good.

Just had to vent to people who I know would understand.

_________________
"Flying like a cannonball, falling to the earth
Heavy as a feather when, you hit the dirt
How am I the lucky one?, I do not deserve
To wait around forever when, you were there first
First you get hurt, then you feel sorry."


-Cold War Kids


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Dec 23, 2015 7:42 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sat Mar 28, 2015 4:40 am
Posts: 67
I get it. I posted once about struggling with feeling too normal. It is especially hard this holiday season....my first after D day. No one in my family knows, so to them it's business as usual. Things have been pretty good between my husband and I, but at times it just hits me really hard. Like this morning. I was just hit with this awful sense of injustice and loss. I gave myself some time to cry and grieve, then I pulled out some craft material and started making ornaments with my son. I actually made a special ornament for my husband and I. I had cut two gingerbread people in half and then glued them back together on a felt snowflake, but not quite lined up right. Then I wrote "Broken together" on the ornament with the year. It's my nod to our situation and our effort to create a new relationship based on real values. I'm getting a bit better, day by day in seeing this as a growth opportunity and not a devastating loss. I'm reading a book called "Healing is a choice". The author talks about even the most devastating pain, a sucker punch if you will, becoming an annoying gnat flying around your head. I wish that for all of us on our healing journey!!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Dec 23, 2015 7:48 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Nov 24, 2015 2:51 pm
Posts: 65
That's a really great ornament idea. And hopefully someday you can look back and see how far you've come. I may do something similar if you don't mind me borrowing your idea.

I sometimes would rather feel normal and sometimes I hate feeling too normal and it gives me bad anxiety.

Its definitely a roller coaster ride. I dream of the day that it's only as annoying as a gnat.

_________________
"Flying like a cannonball, falling to the earth
Heavy as a feather when, you hit the dirt
How am I the lucky one?, I do not deserve
To wait around forever when, you were there first
First you get hurt, then you feel sorry."


-Cold War Kids


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Dec 26, 2015 11:42 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Nov 24, 2015 2:51 pm
Posts: 65
Christmas went so well here, I forgot about it all, for almost the whole day. As we were driving home I looked over at him and felt love for him like I normally would on such a great day, and then within a second, I felt the sucker punch feeling hit. It sucks, I feel like he's the man I know and love, but then I know he went out and did all of these things, and had physical contact with other people and lied to me, and manipulated me, and it hurts.

I wish we could delete this whole ordeal from our lives like it never happened.
Things have been great in every other way in our life together... members of the moms group I'm in have been complaining about their husbands not helping get things ready not helping clean up, cook, watch the kids, etc and I can't complain about any of that, my H has always been an equal partner in household chores and anything pertaining to our kids, he's a great dad and has been a great, and thoughtful H in all ways besides the SA.
So on one hand, I feel good that I can't complain about those things, but then again, SA isn't some small thing that we just "get over". It went on for 6 years and he had sex and sexual activities with many people. Ugh, I hate even thinking of him that way.

I go between wanting to just resume life as normal but with him obviously in recovery, and hen feeling sad about things possibly not working out between us. (We are leaving things open ended as we move forward with his recovery and my healing, but we are staying together for now, keeping the thought in the back of our minds, that I may not be able to get over all of this. Also with the understanding that any relapse will end our marriage).

_________________
"Flying like a cannonball, falling to the earth
Heavy as a feather when, you hit the dirt
How am I the lucky one?, I do not deserve
To wait around forever when, you were there first
First you get hurt, then you feel sorry."


-Cold War Kids


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Dec 28, 2015 1:09 am 
Offline

Joined: Mon Feb 09, 2015 5:03 pm
Posts: 18
18 months past Dday and it is still the same, too, for me. Completely caught off guard. The devastation is just so much, for so long-- yet he is doing well and seems sincerely remorseful and earnestly trying to bring healing to me, to us-- but the reality is completely overwhelming and overtakes me like a tidal wave at sometimes the slightest thought-- and I am lost, overcome, grief stricken.
Time IS bringing more equilibrium and I know I should be grateful for how tenderly and consistently he is changing, grieving, working to bring restoration-- but there is still the reality, the knowledge of what he chose, and the loss of how to make it thru this storm
I like your 'broken together' and it reminded me of this song that has spoken so many times to my heart.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RhxELo-uD3c
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RhxELo-uD3c

Hugs and healing to you, dear hearts!!!

_________________
my heart


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Dec 28, 2015 8:31 am 
Offline
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 667
I've been on my road to healing for over a year now. Hard for me to even define D-day since there were multiple shocks. Really, I've been at this for over two years. What I can say is that I am healing and it takes time. It helps to see our partners changing, but, I have learned that it will take me MY time to heal and not his. I've learned it is critical to be gentle. I still can be taken out by grief, just as you say Mimi. My emotions have changed....I grieve now more than before. I can still get quite angry and enraged, but not as often. What I have learned is that my awareness of my losses has deepened over time. I think that is why I am grieving more than anything else.

Time is both my friend and it feels like my enemy. I so wish I could just snap my fingers and be over this, but I can't. I have learned to be very gentle with myself and my goal is always self compassion.

I am now really working on how I want to live my life...how I want to get my needs met...who I can be. And I need to figure this out given my age and my situation. It's actually become an optimistic challenge. I have doubts, but I also have excitement. It feels good.

In solidarity,
dnell


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Dec 28, 2015 9:24 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Apr 15, 2014 5:45 pm
Posts: 45
I second what dnell stated about the losses deepening over time. I couldn't even have guessed how deeply this would continue to impact me years later. I think that the feeling of being punched in the stomach has something to do with the physiological reactions of the PSTD. Even the mere sight of a perfectly behaving partner can be a trigger (after all, my partner looked like the man of the year to the outside world in the midst of his behavior). Even if my partner does everything right, there is a set of stress responses that are completely my own. I am just working at moving towards any happiness I can get for myself. For example, changing my routine slightly, making gratitude lists, etc.
The story of the gingerbread making was a powerful visual. I wish you a peaceful new beginning for today, for yourself…. in this moment.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Jan 04, 2016 10:35 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2014 12:20 am
Posts: 131
Hey all,
This is a huge thing even as time progresses, I continue to use to get that 'punch to the stomach' in the middle of an ordinary moment! Whether it is a look on his face, or as he tries to resume our normalcy.......he, too, looked like the man of the year to the world--that is the persona he tries to say is the real him, but really???? I am hit with the idea that side of him is only that public self that he has ever shown me, soooooooooo who is this person, really!?!?! A really great roommate........

_________________
It is always OK in the end...if it's not OK, it's not the end!


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 8 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group