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 Post subject: updating feelings
PostPosted: Sat Dec 05, 2015 6:25 am 
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Joined: Tue Oct 06, 2015 9:47 am
Posts: 17
I've not been on here for a while and just finished my lesson 3. A couple of weeks back things were really bad and I was feeling so very low but also I was ill which didn't help. This week things have been so much better and I've been feeling more positive and hopeful for the future. There have been evenings where we have had deep conversations and it's hard to listen to at times but also very helpful in moving forward as it's been my husband talking about him, his childhood and what he wants to put into place for his boundaries etc. His coming to me has helped me move a bit forward seeing him take responsibility.

Also one big thing that I feel is helping me is that I'm thinking more about my family my daughters, mum & dad and how I've been so lucky to have such a supportive family and friends. I've reached out to friends and family and feeling positive about my future be it with my husband or without him. I love my husband very much but I also feel I'm becoming aware that I have amazing friends and family and can pursue my life without him if I have to. It's not what i want but I know I can and will get over the hurt if it has to be that way. I know the hurt will be there and will be like loosing a big part of my life if we can't be together but I know I can get through it with support and help.

Also I feel that anyway I've lost a big part of what I perceived to be my life anyway. I'm grieving a relationship that wasn't what I thought it was, but through it I'm also realising that actually I was never fully happy with the relationship anyway. I didn't know it at the time but now I'm exploring it through the grieving process I'm seeing that actually I wasn't really happy and we didn't communicate well and it wasn't really fully intimate as we thought it was. Parts of it were real for sure, but there was a lot wrong too. Im using this as an opportunity to explore myself and our relationship together. I can see how some of my behaviours have not helped our situation in our relationship but at the same time do not take any responsibility for what he has done and blame myself. It's a problem he has and nothing I did will have changed that. He could be with the best looking woman in the world and most intelligent woman who did everything he wanted and who he thought was perfect, but he would still have done what he did. It's a problem he has with addiction and some underlying deep rooted problems he has that have never been resolved from his childhood. These underlying issues he needs to work on and to work on how he's coped with life challenges and what he has done. This is his road to recovery and I have to get on with mine and we can come together between these to talk and communicate about how we feel and where we think we are and also work on our joint recoveries.

I'm more hopeful this week but sure there will be continued pain and down times.

One good thing is I've found a group to attend myself. I've not been yet as it's a big step to actually meet and see others who are going through the same things as me. Writing and forums are easier at the moment for me and for me it's a step forward as I'm aware that others are out there but not had to see faces and see how normal people every day are going through this. Writing and forums are good but they still keep the distance of reality for me a little bit. Real faces and people make it more real.

Thank you to anyone who reads this and for all the support writing here is giving me, it is giving me some hope and support. I tend to read more than I do comment or write but I'm sure as time goes on that may change.


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 Post subject: Re: updating feelings
PostPosted: Sat Dec 05, 2015 10:01 am 
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Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
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lafleure - :g: :g: :g: :g: :g:

You sound centered and strong and I celebrate you.

In the three decades with my husband, I worked SO HARD on trying to get us to connect. I look back now and wonder, what in the heck was I thinking. I dragged him into multiple marriage counselors (who missed the addictions and believed his lies). Those counselors harmed me and I need to recover from that trauma as well. They had all sorts of ideas of how I should try even harder. (Just as an aside, my current marriage counselor has experience with SA and the difference is phenomenal). I as well realized at about year 25 (and isn't that awful it took so long) that I was longing for a relationship I never had, rather than one I had and lost. Talk about painful. I now realize I had been miserable for a long, long time. That makes sense since my husband was 40 when he married me (I was in my 20's---big red flag there that I wish I had seen) and he was firmly settled into his addiction that then progressed.

This awareness of my misery for so long and my self deprivation is devastating. Yet, it is helping me in my individual therapy to heal and to learn to take better care of myself. It may be too late for me to find a healthy man to develop an intimate relationship with, but at least I can treat myself better and not allow my husband to mistreat me anymore. I allowed that for way too long what with the slow, daily chipping away at me so that he could protect his addictions. His abuse, and that is what it was since he kept me at bay with both rage and rejection, became "normal" for me. And, I realize now, I can never accept that again.

I think I have to fully accept my past and to grieve my losses. At the end of the day, all I can be left with is sadness and grief, but that doesn't have to define me or overwhelm me.

I send you my virtual hug.

dnell


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 Post subject: Re: updating feelings
PostPosted: Sat Dec 05, 2015 11:11 am 
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I'm pretty computer illiterate, but a good speller and typer (non word). So I'm trying to navigate my way through the different ways of responding and who to respond to! But dnell...your response just now felt like I was reading about my own situation. But I can't look back and come to revelatory conclusions. I'm just beginning this journey and feel sick and relieved at the same time, over some of the "truths" that are shared here.
I'm not accustomed to sharing my feelings with others, and am So Grateful for having found this site!


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 Post subject: Re: updating feelings
PostPosted: Sun Dec 06, 2015 6:25 am 
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Posts: 17
Thank you for your kind replies and I may seem strong but at times I'm so very down and weak. I still wake up regularly feeling so low and wishing I wasn't in the position I'm in.

I truly believe that love and support from those close to you other than the SA is so valuable and important. I know too I'm lucky that those around me who know, have been supportive and loving and not judgemental. The thing that upsets me so much is the costs of getting appropriate help. There are too many counsellors out there who are not good and just because they have letters after their name , it doesn't mean they're good as dnell has clearly found out. It's so important to get the right help and be with the right person, but that is costly at the moment as it's still such a new addiction relative to other addictions. One day I hope there will be more help out there and more understanding and trained people who understand the phenomena.

Technology has come on bounds and moved forward and has made opportunity for this kind of addiction, yet the help out there and understanding of this is still way behind. I send hugs to all those out there and thanks too to know I'm not alone

Hugs


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 Post subject: Re: updating feelings
PostPosted: Tue Dec 08, 2015 2:00 pm 
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Today I'm feeling a lot better than I did at the weekend. We had a very tough emotional weekend with my husband feeling very low, shameful and guilty with remorse after he had been to a 12 step meeting. A girl turned up who was only 23 and he couldn't believe that someone so young had so many problems and realised that two of the women he met were this age which made him very depressed.

We had lots of talks about how recovery is so difficult when individually you're going through so much trauma yourselves and at the same time so hard to support each other. It was just a very shit weekend to be honest emotionally. It was draining but I guess it's moved us a little more forward in our understanding of some things that affect us each and how difficult it can be at times.

What was great for me is that he seems to be putting in boundaries with us too and our sex life so that only if we're having sex to feel really in touch with each other and intimate will we continue. Last night he was able to say he was just turned on and wanted to have sex with me so badly but it wasn't for love making it was for tension release and just a biological sexual feeling. We stopped and actually focused on enjoying the intimacy of kissing and just caressing each others back. It was just as nice as love making if not better in terms of the intimacy I felt coming from him and the intimacy I felt.

I've also been offered work which is specialised in my subject area which I'm excited about and think will help me more to focus on my recovery and moving myself personally forward.

Life has it's ups and downs that is for sure and the downs are awful but the better days are good and I still think it's worth the fight for a true recovery and healthy life for myself too :


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 Post subject: Re: updating feelings
PostPosted: Fri Dec 11, 2015 4:00 pm 
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So here's a real low - I've been doing quite well I thought of late. My husbands Christmas party bought up some issues. He chose not to go and felt it was the right thing to do as they were going all over London and he said he felt he knew I would be anxious and felt it probably isn't what he should be doing right now when D day was only 3 months ago.

He then sent me pics of the day out and I saw the young girls that work with him in the office, when I say young I mean 20ish

My husband chatted and met with quite a few young girls - one who was 19 & one who was 20 and others who were 22 chatted to loads and had sex with 11 others - only two of which were over 30 - 33 years.

I seem to be having huge issues surrounding the young ones because my daughters are 19 and 22 - to me they are young adults but they're still very immature and not grown up at all. I'm pretty sure some of these young women who go to seeking arrangements.com are on there thinking it's a great way to get their fees for uni paid, but later down the line when they realise what they were doing, will actually feel like shit.

Anyway, I thought because of everything my husband had been saying recently, that he was actually disgusted by the through of the young women he had been with. He came back from 12 steps last week saying there was a young 22 year old girl there who was a SA - he couldn't believe it and he felt really shit and he's been saying he feels shameful - that's why I thought that part he was disgusted with.

He said today when we were arguing over text that he's not cured, he's just abstaining and that he knows he needs the help and is still a long way of answers himself about why and what he did. He's finally found a therapist he's seeing on Tuesday. He says I want answers and he can't give me them as he doesn't know himself yet and those answers may take a lot of time to get to with the help of therapy. I know this is true - he doesn't know why and I'm seeking answers he can't answer.

I guess though, I'm grappling with feeling so very low again because part of me can't stand the idea that he's not disgusted. He says he's not been coping and he's got flu now and all this is just getting him ill too. He says maybe we both can't be there to support each other because we're trying to support ourselves - which is true. It's very hard though.

Today - for me it's about my own morals my own values - are they getting mixed up. How can I want to be with someone who says they know they don't want to do what they did, but know that they're holding on and still need to get to the underlying issue to actually live a healthier life and deal with the underlying issue that caused this addiction.

I do truly believe that he does want to do this and do know that he's being totally honest and doesn't see the point in lying to me. He's saying he knows he's not fixed and knows he's abstained for 7 months because he's holding on tightly and in a domant phase...

I'm finding it so hard to understand this tonight. I'm aware he could slip, I'm aware he's not fixed and until he really knows what caused it and works though that, he's not free of the addiction, but I guess I had kidded myself that the young girls would never happen again. I guess I though that even if we were not together and he ended back on it, that he would not do it with girls that young.

My daughter coming home for a few days - we've had difficult times because I've been so touchy. They know nothing and love and adore my husband who is not their father. He's been very good to them and loves them like his own as I do his children. We've created quite a good family bond. They would be devastated if they knew, it would kill their trust in men completely. It hurts me more that they can see me as the bad one whose touchy and moaning etc, because they have no real idea of what I've been through. Yet they're nice and still text my husband and tell him more than they do me these days because I've been so moody and down and taken things out on them when they're home.

I'm lying in bed next to the man I married, in absolute tears, feeling stuck, lonely and not knowing what to do today. My daughter coming back makes it difficult as I can't hide away this weekend as I do when I feel down - I have to pretend all is ok and see her be so nice to my husband and things being tense between us. She mentioned in her text she's going to her dads too, she's spent more time there recently because I told her to and said I didn't want this place used as a hotel - I was being tough because I had had a bad week. Now all this has also had a consequence on my relationship with my daughter! I feel like I'm loosing so much in my life and having so much to deal with at once,

Do I decide that it's the end of the line for me and maybe I just can't do this and I'm not strong enough - if I do, then do I tell my daughters the truth - because I can't do this watching them get on with him so well and me knowing why we're not together. If I broke up with him, they would definitely blame me and not understand why the hell I would do this. They've only ever seen the one side of things - the side where he's been so caring with me, taken me away, we spend quality time together doing things we like and having been good together (well that's what it looked like to me and the outside world).

I'm so confused right now - wish there were more help and support groups you could phone and talk to when feeling so low. I
My husband has his kids this weekend and now in bed with the flu - this is why we're not talking because he says he's illl - I think he is - but part of me feels why now... why when I've been saying for the past 2 weeks he should take some time off because he's been under the weather for a month now. He never stops for his work! Says it's the only thing that keeps him going right now.

What about me - how about stopping for me a bit? Actually he's under stress I know... he's been trying hard to find a therapist and it's taken a while... I have friends to vent too he doesnt' really so containing it all in him and having me only to support him and I can't do it right now. I need his support - ti's a vicious circle

Both relying on each other for support through the shit moments and times and finding it hard.

Maybe this just can't work - am I just going through a process to find out actually it can't work and that love & mutual common interests, the family we've built together isn't enough?


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 Post subject: Re: updating feelings
PostPosted: Sat Dec 12, 2015 5:22 am 
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Posts: 67
So much of this is familiar to me. The idea that the person you relied upon to support you is actually the cause of your problems is bad enough. The fact that they can't support you, or even give you the answers you need to get your head together, is the absolute pits.

The moral dimension is the hugest issue for us because we have never talked ourselves out of our morality. The addicts have. Somewhere along the line they intellectualised, rationalised and justified their behaviour. And they objectified people so they wouldn't have to deal with the guilt of what they were doing. It wasn't a moral issue for them because people weren't involved. It wasn't real. Then, all of a sudden, it is real. They were people. And the guilt floods in and overloads them. All this at the same time as the horrendous withdrawal symptoms are kicking in. No wonder they are a mess. And worrying about them makes it harder for us because we can't truly express how we feel to them for fear of their reaction. So the stress builds up.

I realised that he couldnt help me and that I needed space to heal or the stress would kill me (literally as I wasnt eating or sleeping). So I got my own place and left him to deal with his stuff. It was touch and go whether he would kill himself. I just kept in touch by phone contact at agreed times. After a month I was able to visit for a couple of hours alternate weekends. Then I was able to build up to.a.couple of hours every weekend. Now its a couple of hours twice a week. He's over the worst and starting to think about the future. I'm stronger and waiting to see what he does next and who he becomes. It's taken a long time to get here.

I think sometimes a therapeutic temporary separation is a necessary step. It truly means that each person has to take full responsibility for their own lives and healing. It doesn't mean it's the end. It's just a.holiday from insanity.

_________________
'The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows'. Buddha.


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 Post subject: Re: updating feelings
PostPosted: Sat Dec 12, 2015 10:04 am 
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Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 566
I appreciate shell shocked's post. It would have benefited me to separate from my husband fairly soon after recovery. I didn't since he asked me not to (once again putting him before me but that is really changing) but the result was, without my really being aware at the time, an emotional separation. I live in the same house, but to preserve my sanity and well being, I detached to the point of an emotional separation. I am so glad I did this. We really have to get off of the crazy train in order to heal.

I remember as well how harsh the reality was that my husband was harmful to my well being AND unable to give me support. This is painful, but it is important to get this awareness. It's too painful to keep turning to them for support and not getting it. We must get our support elsewhere. It is a painful reality.

And, we can be supportive of them in their recovery, but we can not take responsibility for it. It doesn't help them or us if we do.

We really do need to focus on ourselves. I know how hard this is to do. Start with baby steps. Do something nice for yourself every day. When that works, do more things. Keep doing the lessons. Think about what is important in our life, that is not our relationship with out partner, and focus on getting meaning and fulfillment from those things. As I started to do this, I felt immensely better. I'm not done yet, but I am so much better. But, we need to be gentle with ourselves. I began by having one small goal and one big goal for the day (like, I will take a long shower today and I will update my resume today). It took me about a year to update my resume, but I would be able to take the shower.

And, I really get the pressure of making decisions about our relationships. It's an every day question: should I stay or go? But, early on, I was too traumatized to make a good decision. If we are not in imminent danger in our relationships (physical threats, financial threats, extreme emotional abuse), I do think it is a good idea to wait a year before making this decision. A separation does not mean divorce. So, I think about this in terms of not deciding yet about a permanent separation or divorce.

Over time, as I focused on myself and my healing, my thoughts were mainly about me. What do I want now and in the future? What do I need to work on now? How much healing have I done and how much do I feel is left? Have I prepared my life to succeed whether or not my husband is in it? This takes time (a bit over a year for me) and is ongoing.

In my case, it is clear to me that my husband is sincere about recovery. That took a while. He is sincere about becoming healthy and that took a bit longer. His confidence about his success is improving, but it is sometimes fragile. It is clear to me that he has a lot of work to do and it will take years for him to become a mature, healthy man. He has to be able to identify and understand his emotions; he has to become comfortable with them; he has to get the words to describe them; he has to learn how to communicate, authentically, about what he is feeling. He has to learn why he lies and learn how not to. He has to develop an authentic, healthy identity and believe in it. He has to show that authentic identity to the world and not some false image he is constantly managing. He has to learn self compassion and self acceptance. He has to then learn to have compassion for others. He has to learn to listen. He has to learn to have empathy. He has to develop much more self awareness. He has to start seeing others as human beings. He needs to not engage in perfectionism and "all or nothing" thinking. He has to understand his fear of intimacy and see if he can learn how to be intimate: to be present, to be authentic, to be vulnerable, to have integrity, to have compassion, empathy and generosity. He needs to learn to have personal responsibility and accountability. He has to become proactive rather than reactive. That's just the start of the skills he needs to learn.

So, while he is doing all of that, I have to continue to heal and get what I want out of life. At some point will I no longer want to wait? Maybe. At some point will he give up? Maybe. But that is the road we are on.

dnell


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 Post subject: Re: updating feelings
PostPosted: Fri Jun 16, 2017 4:47 am 
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I’ve not written on here for a while but thought I should not only write in bad times but in good times too.
It’s been a long year with many ups and downs. My husband is getting therapy himself and still attends the 12 step local meeting once a week. I’ve been finding things still difficult and with family issues that have arisen, my bucket seems very full right now and I’ve had to take a few weeks off sick of work.

On the whole I’m slowly recovering and living life again. I did get a promotion at work. I’ve started to let go of the past and what happened and looking more towards the future. I’m not saying that I don’t find I come across triggers that set me back, as I do.

I’ve just completed stage 1 lesson 9 and thought I should record her my answers to some of the questions it asks. This recording I can look back on when I have days that set me back or I’m feeling unsure about things.

What are the key signs that you have observed in your partner that lead you to believe that he/she is engaged in a healthy recovery?

He not only applies being honest to our relationship he is doing it across his life. When I suggest we should say a little white lie to his ex, he is adamant he needs to be honest across everything in life. He also is trying to keep fit and eat healthier and generally balance a his work life and home life more effectively.

B. What are the key signs that you have observed in your partner that lead you to believe that he/she is NOT engaged in a healthy recovery?

One of the key signs I’ve noted that suggest he’s in healthy recovery is the transparency in his feelings. He admitted he’s been objectifying and didn’t like the feeling but talked openly about it and in his therapy he’s doing some rapid eye movement therapy to help discuss where the need came from deep down for him to do what he did. He also really enjoys going to his 12 step groups when we get back from holidays or he’s been away as he says it helps him feel less alone and isolated with his recovery. I don’t feel as yet I’ve come across anything that is suggesting he’s NOT engaging in a healthy recovery. He was just holding on in the start as a way to stay abstinent but he’s now feeling pain and emotions and working through things a lot more and with that he is also being more honest about it all with myself. It’s so hard for me too but I’m trying to stay positive and remind myself when he does tell me things that it’s important he’s honest and we have an honesty running through our relationship. He’s been clean for 2 years with slips such as objectifying and once lying to me about a photo I found last year but on the whole things are improving 2 years down the line. I only feel that perhaps we are a little slow along the recovery compared to others. However, we also have a lot of external family factors such as a crazy ex wife and children who are struggling at school that also play a role in both our recoveries.

C. How have you communicated your observations to your partner? I phoned him today to say how I was grateful that he had discussed that he had been objectifying women. I rang after I had gone through this lesson which highlighted that him being transparent was healthy and I realised this and felt better for it. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that improvement is being made when you hear things that may be difficult. But to be honest I’m pleased he discussed it with me and said the therapist was helping him to deal with this and put strategies in place to help himself.

Have you communicated the healthy observations as well as the unhealthy? How has your partner responded?

Yesterday I wasn’t so healthy in my communication as I just took it all personally and it made me insecure and tearful which doesn’t make it easy for him discussing it with me. However, today I did say I totally appreciate his honesty. He said it must be hard for you, I know it is but I need to be honest. He said he doesn’t like it but he has to go through it and hopefully, things will get easier as the way he feels about doing the objectification makes him feel bad and he feels very down and like he’s just a bad person. I hope too this is part of the process and he will pull through and I have the faith that he will.

thoughts hugs and love goes out to everyone who is on here xx


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 Post subject: Re: updating feelings
PostPosted: Fri Jun 16, 2017 4:47 am 
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I’ve not written on here for a while but thought I should not only write in bad times but in good times too.
It’s been a long year with many ups and downs. My husband is getting therapy himself and still attends the 12 step local meeting once a week. I’ve been finding things still difficult and with family issues that have arisen, my bucket seems very full right now and I’ve had to take a few weeks off sick of work.

On the whole I’m slowly recovering and living life again. I did get a promotion at work. I’ve started to let go of the past and what happened and looking more towards the future. I’m not saying that I don’t find I come across triggers that set me back, as I do.

I’ve just completed stage 1 lesson 9 and thought I should record her my answers to some of the questions it asks. This recording I can look back on when I have days that set me back or I’m feeling unsure about things.

What are the key signs that you have observed in your partner that lead you to believe that he/she is engaged in a healthy recovery?

He not only applies being honest to our relationship he is doing it across his life. When I suggest we should say a little white lie to his ex, he is adamant he needs to be honest across everything in life. He also is trying to keep fit and eat healthier and generally balance a his work life and home life more effectively.

B. What are the key signs that you have observed in your partner that lead you to believe that he/she is NOT engaged in a healthy recovery?

One of the key signs I’ve noted that suggest he’s in healthy recovery is the transparency in his feelings. He admitted he’s been objectifying and didn’t like the feeling but talked openly about it and in his therapy he’s doing some rapid eye movement therapy to help discuss where the need came from deep down for him to do what he did. He also really enjoys going to his 12 step groups when we get back from holidays or he’s been away as he says it helps him feel less alone and isolated with his recovery. I don’t feel as yet I’ve come across anything that is suggesting he’s NOT engaging in a healthy recovery. He was just holding on in the start as a way to stay abstinent but he’s now feeling pain and emotions and working through things a lot more and with that he is also being more honest about it all with myself. It’s so hard for me too but I’m trying to stay positive and remind myself when he does tell me things that it’s important he’s honest and we have an honesty running through our relationship. He’s been clean for 2 years with slips such as objectifying and once lying to me about a photo I found last year but on the whole things are improving 2 years down the line. I only feel that perhaps we are a little slow along the recovery compared to others. However, we also have a lot of external family factors such as a crazy ex wife and children who are struggling at school that also play a role in both our recoveries.

C. How have you communicated your observations to your partner? I phoned him today to say how I was grateful that he had discussed that he had been objectifying women. I rang after I had gone through this lesson which highlighted that him being transparent was healthy and I realised this and felt better for it. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that improvement is being made when you hear things that may be difficult. But to be honest I’m pleased he discussed it with me and said the therapist was helping him to deal with this and put strategies in place to help himself.

Have you communicated the healthy observations as well as the unhealthy? How has your partner responded?

Yesterday I wasn’t so healthy in my communication as I just took it all personally and it made me insecure and tearful which doesn’t make it easy for him discussing it with me. However, today I did say I totally appreciate his honesty. He said it must be hard for you, I know it is but I need to be honest. He said he doesn’t like it but he has to go through it and hopefully, things will get easier as the way he feels about doing the objectification makes him feel bad and he feels very down and like he’s just a bad person. I hope too this is part of the process and he will pull through and I have the faith that he will.

thoughts hugs and love goes out to everyone who is on here xx


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 Post subject: Re: updating feelings
PostPosted: Tue Jun 27, 2017 4:01 pm 
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Thank you for sharing that. I've read some of your journey over time and identify with so much of it. We're 8 months in and I'm on the same step you just did. You sound committed and determined. Once I accepted that there would be a true roller coaster of ups and downs for as long as it took, I took a lot of weight off myself. I hope things continue to go well for you.
Sammie


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 Post subject: Re: updating feelings
PostPosted: Thu Oct 12, 2017 5:54 am 
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Always a roller coaster it seems. So much has been happening in my life. I'm going through a very low point again and feel like I've taken a step backwards or even several steps back. One of my own parents partner of 35 years has left them after having an affair. This has obviously triggered me and my little faith and trust in men has gone back a step again.

I'm feeling totally distrustful of men - all men, not just my husband. In terms of my recovery, I'm feeling I don't trust my husband again when before I was feeling I was building up that trust.

The past few weeks have been difficult, we've had several arguments. He still see's his therapist and I've felt like his therapist is what gives him the strength to talk to me. I know this is good and he should tell me things that I don't want to hear.

We were watching a programme on TV and I got triggered by the location of the programme. I knew he had met women in the rough location in the city. I started to wonder if it was and whether he had seen somewhere on the programme he knew he had met up with someone for a coffee etc. I asked him and told him it made me feel anxious. He switched the programme off and explained that it didn't but even if something did remind him or somewhere or someone he had met up with in his past, he would move the thought away as a bad thought as it never makes him feel good, but makes him feel bad. He says he doesn't want to dwell on that and he moves on from it if it occurs.

It started up a conversation between us where it ended up him saying he's feeling trapped and that life for him right now he finds difficult in that he goes to work, comes home talks with me and the whole thing starts again the next day. He admitted he finds it hard to deal with all my emotions right now and that there is only so much he can take. I fully understand he can't be there for me 24/7 and can't expect him to have to deal with it all himself.

He's been very supportive of me through all this and even openly admitted that it affected him quite a lot as he finds emotions difficult to deal with and it's bought up for him things too. He see's how hurt my mother is and he see's the hurt in my eyes and feels helpless. We're still in couple therapy and were due to finish last week, but due to what's happened in my life recently we continued with the last session supposedly being next week, but can continue if we feel we need. I know the therapist and us before were feeling it was time to end as we have communicated a lot about how to communicate with each other and how to recognise how we deal with things differently and getting us to open up properly to one another with complete honesty even if it's about things the other will not necessarily like to hear. We've got better and have had many times when we've not been able to see the therapist that we've got through difficulties and arguments ourselves through learning to communicate better and how to approach each other when we're not happy or something isn't quite right. It's been so hard but we were getting to a place whereby we had nothing left to say in couple therapy.

This week my husbands left early to go to work and tried to justify and explain why and that he likes to not have to worry about if he's leaving early one day etc and doesn't want to have to stop watch completely the time he is giving to his work. I got insecure this morning imagining it was giving him the extra hour or so a morning so he could go off in the afternoon and meet someone and started imagining he's acting out again. The problem is you're told to go with you own instincts but at times perhaps those feelings are irrational and there because I'm going through a tough time right now.

I still can track where he is and still do check from time to time. I still have complete access to his emails etc, but I also know that he can create fake accounts change google tracking and if I can't get hold of him on the phone, I panic. He does always get back to me pretty quickly and part of me see's how this must make him feel trapped. He says that when he's in a meeting, he finds himself worrying that I'm going to think he's doing things. When he's on his way home an if he's stopped to get something or starts to think he's going to be late, he starts himself to get anxious and worry about what I will think. He feels he too is living on edge worrying what I will be thinking and having to do things and put things in place all the time to make sure I'm ok. That's not good I know.

It was as I said getting better and only now and then would there be a trigger and those were getting less. Even thought they happen less frequently they still feel quite intense and my reactions of feeling anxious asking for assurances from him, asking him to call me etc, still make it feel difficult for him. I do accept this will make it hard on him and don't want to do this but from time to time it happens.

When I get days where I'm not sure my instincts are right or what's happening is just me being paranoid and because I'm not in the best of places right now.

How do others deal with this dichotomy of listening to your instincts or just the head going round and making assumptions too quickly.

Right now my husband feels not a lot has changed in 7 months ago when he pushed for me to stop asking him to send me wats app pics of where he was when at work as often. I did stop and it felt ok because on the whole I trust he isn't acting out. I still do panic when he doesn't answer his phone immediately and still use the tracking google thing from time to time and if it's not working or the phone is off I go into panic very quickly. I still have a long way to go but I do feel the trust is being built but very slowly.

I have two questions

1. how do others deal with the dichotomy of feeling things and what you think are instincts and what could well be the head going off on one and not thinking rationally?

2. When I read some things on here and come here reading others experiences, I at times get worse as I hear of people's partners slipping and that the addict will manipulate and gaslight etc..... then I get worse. How do you keep the balance.

On the whole as i've said my husband goes to his therapist, we go to couple therapy, he actually enjoys the 12 step group he goes to and wants to go, and I've not cared if he went or not. He wants to recover for himself but at times he does feel I stop him building on his self esteem when I get so panicy and accusatory, I can see the dilema but at times I find it hard to control.

Any advice at this point from others who have been through this would be great :)

Hugs and thoughts to all those out there x


Last edited by lafleure on Thu Oct 12, 2017 8:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: updating feelings
PostPosted: Thu Oct 12, 2017 5:54 am 
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Joined: Tue Oct 06, 2015 9:47 am
Posts: 17
Always a roller coaster it seems. So much has been happening in my life. I'm going through a very low point again and feel like I've taken a step backwards or even several steps back. One of my own parents partner of 35 years has left them after having an affair. This has obviously triggered me and my little faith and trust in men has gone back a step again.

I'm feeling totally distrustful of men - all men, not just my husband. In terms of my recovery, I'm feeling I don't trust my husband again when before I was feeling I was building up that trust.

The past few weeks have been difficult, we've had several arguments. He still see's his therapist and I've felt like his therapist is what gives him the strength to talk to me. I know this is good and he should tell me things that I don't want to hear.

We were watching a programme on TV and I got triggered by the location of the programme. I knew he had met women in the rough location in the city. I started to wonder if it was and whether he had seen somewhere on the programme he knew he had met up with someone for a coffee etc. I asked him and told him it made me feel anxious. He switched the programme off and explained that it didn't but even if something did remind him or somewhere or someone he had met up with in his past, he would move the thought away as a bad thought as it never makes him feel good, but makes him feel bad. He says he doesn't want to dwell on that and he moves on from it if it occurs.

It started up a conversation between us where it ended up him saying he's feeling trapped and that life for him right now he finds difficult in that he goes to work, comes home talks with me and the whole thing starts again the next day. He admitted he finds it hard to deal with all my emotions right now and that there is only so much he can take. I fully understand he can't be there for me 24/7 and can't expect him to have to deal with it all himself.

He's been very supportive of me through all this and even openly admitted that it affected him quite a lot as he finds emotions difficult to deal with and it's bought up for him things too. He see's how hurt my mother is and he see's the hurt in my eyes and feels helpless. We're still in couple therapy and were due to finish last week, but due to what's happened in my life recently we continued with the last session supposedly being next week, but can continue if we feel we need. I know the therapist and us before were feeling it was time to end as we have communicated a lot about how to communicate with each other and how to recognise how we deal with things differently and getting us to open up properly to one another with complete honesty even if it's about things the other will not necessarily like to hear. We've got better and have had many times when we've not been able to see the therapist that we've got through difficulties and arguments ourselves through learning to communicate better and how to approach each other when we're not happy or something isn't quite right. It's been so hard but we were getting to a place whereby we had nothing left to say in couple therapy.

This week my husbands left early to go to work and tried to justify and explain why and that he likes to not have to worry about if he's leaving early one day etc and doesn't want to have to stop watch completely the time he is giving to his work. I got insecure this morning imagining it was giving him the extra hour or so a morning so he could go off in the afternoon and meet someone and started imagining he's acting out again. The problem is you're told to go with you own instincts but at times perhaps those feelings are irrational and there because I'm going through a tough time right now.

I still can track where he is and still do check from time to time. I still have complete access to his emails etc, but I also know that he can create fake accounts change google tracking and if I can't get hold of him on the phone, I panic. He does always get back to me pretty quickly and part of me see's how this must make him feel trapped. He says that when he's in a meeting, he finds himself worrying that I'm going to think he's doing things. When he's on his way home an if he's stopped to get something or starts to think he's going to be late, he starts himself to get anxious and worry about what I will think. He feels he too is living on edge worrying what I will be thinking and having to do things and put things in place all the time to make sure I'm ok. That's not good I know.

It was as I said getting better and only now and then would there be a trigger and those were getting less. Even thought they happen less frequently they still feel quite intense and my reactions of feeling anxious asking for assurances from him, asking him to call me etc, still make it feel difficult for him. I do accept this will make it hard on him and don't want to do this but from time to time it happens.

When I get days where I'm not sure my instincts are right or what's happening is just me being paranoid and because I'm not in the best of places right now.

How do others deal with this dichotomy of listening to your instincts or just the head going round and making assumptions too quickly.


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 Post subject: Re: updating feelings
PostPosted: Fri Oct 20, 2017 7:30 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 11, 2016 10:08 am
Posts: 56
Lafleure, I don’t want to leave your question unanswered and I don’t want you to feel abandoned either. This isn’t the busiest of forums but it’s certainly one of the most sensitive and understanding of the partner’s experience.
I’m sorry to learn that your mother’s long term partner walked out in that way and I can fully understand how unsettling it can feel. In fact, it’s a reminder that we’re all vulnerable regardless of how long our relationship or how committed we are to making it work. It’s also a fact that when setbacks occur for whatever reason, we feel we’ve been thrown back in time whilst all our progress crumbles beneath our feet. It feels very destabilising, and understandably.

The whole issue of listening to our instincts and working out whether our fears and feelings are justifiable is impossible if you are in an unsettled state of mind. That’s not to say that you can’t trust your inner voice, it’s just that the signals are at risk of getting lost in the noise ie the upheavals in your family right now and how it may be reactivating old memories. I suppose it’s a case of getting used to this new ‘normal’.

It seems as your own sense of trust has been undermined by this episode although logically speaking there may be no reason to lose that trust as what has unsettled you is what has happened to someone else’s relationship, but as it’s a close family relationship, it’s also understandable that you will be affected too. Even if you were single you’d be upset by what’s happened.

I suppose it’s important to keep some sense of perspective. If your own relationship was making good progress then try to hold on to this. If you really don’t have anything to go on, then *for now* just coast along with that until you can come to terms with all the other stuff.

I am very much a believer in trusting your gut instincts, even though my own judgement failed me and I was far easier to dupe than I would have thought I was. But there were also times when I felt something was adrift but I had nothing to go on. Some things I had no clue about, and for all I know there may be other things that have gone on that I never suspected. And the things I suspected and he denied? Well, I think he did some things he won’t admit to but which things? I just don’t know. There have been times when living in that constant state of not knowing but knowing what could be has been unbearable and unsettling to the point of torment. To the extent that I would rather be in no relationship with any man ever again, so I understand what you’re saying about not being able to trust men.

The one thing I wish porn/sex addicts would do was be honest with their partners. Spare us the sordid details but don’t lie. It takes a lot of courage to ask. We go through a lot of pain just to reach the point where we wonder “did he ever..... has he done....” and it strips away our dignity to ask those questions, taking the risk that we could find out something we never would have thought of you. So please don’t lie. If one day the truth comes to light in an unexpected way, you will have no idea how much more that will hurt. So guys, please don’t lie.


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