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PostPosted: Sat Dec 05, 2015 10:35 am 

Joined: Sun Nov 29, 2015 2:39 pm
Posts: 10
I found this site only a week ago and was encouraged to finally confront H about his lifelong addiction to pornography. Day 1 he showed remorse, chose to be committed and begin this journey of healing. which somehow finally gave me a glimmer of hope that maybe this nightmare can end. Day 2....early morning he continued in a somber mood and agreed to read some of the couples posts with me, and really seemed to be listening and contemplating. We even made a list together of things we both wanted to see happen. So he registered to join up. The entire rest of the day he was completely disengaged from the issues and spending most of his time at his computer and doing tasks around the house. Here comes the sick part. I have an alcohol problem which I fight every day to overcome. And gave my commitment to him that I would absolutely work on getting sober along with him working on rewiring his brain toward wellness and health. So after him being on his computer for about 3 hrs, I told him I was really getting tempted to drink. After maybe 10 seconds, he says "go ahead". Not just go ahead.......but gooooo ahead, like he was being compassionate toward me! Ugh!! In reality he wants me to drink so I'll basically give him a reason/justification to engage in his addictions. So I was just sooo sad that he didn't get up from his pc, and say something like.....let's do this or that instead. I fought the urge for a little while and ended up saying _uck it, and bought some poison. Then of course he had a good reason to ignore me all day and "play" on the internet all day. Day 3....yesterday he woke up before me and was already gaming (big time internet gamer) and proceeded to act like nothing was wrong and I was invisible. Finally half way through the day I asked him if he'd been approved for this site, and he said yes. So bells and whistles went off inside of me....of why didn't you tell me, it was all just an act, you think this is going underground again!!

The whole dynamic of how this is supposed to play out isn't starting out the way I envisioned! He shut down and went to bed at 7pm last night, which was just an avoidance of facing me and these problems (in my opinion). So a new day today. I don't even know how to act or what to say to him. He's become so manipulative over the yrs to do his own thing (gaming, porn activity etc...) that I feel crippled at times from the neglect. I really don't know to what extent his addiction goes, but my gut tells me it's more than I've believed it to be. He's become more careful over the yrs to hide what he's doing, so I do know that he's not careless or an easy bust. Now I just feel like I'm rambling and could just go on typing all day! I need some guidance. Should I ask him if we can start the couples lessons today, or should I just go ahead and start the partners stuff? Just step back and see what he intends to do on his part? I don't want to lose 19 yrs of marriage, but now I see that most of it was just surface stuff to cover up addictions. There's never been any real communication, and the disconnect is so overwhelming right now, that deep down I question if it's truly too far gone!

Another thing that's bothering me is he knows my username. I sent an email how and if I should change it so he doesn't read what I'm saying. Or if it's beneficial in any way that he can see everything I saying?? Bleh!! Just so frustrated...

PostPosted: Sat Dec 05, 2015 12:51 pm 
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 663
bbyburg - I am so sorry for what you are going through. When you get a user name change, you can start a new thread.

In the meantime, I don't recommend the couples workshop until after each person completes their respective workshop: you on the partner's healing workshop, your husband on the recovery workshop.

In the meantime, i think it is in your best interest to focus on the partner's healing lessons. They are very helpful. Your husband is the only one who can recover IF he is sincere. As you keep doing the lessons, Jon teaches us that it is in fact against our best interests to "help" our partners with their recovery. One of their problems is their inability to be responsible for themselves and they need to dig deep and become mature enough to manage their own recovery. But that doesn't mean that we just sit still. We have to start healing and the lessons really helped me to understand how to do so. So, focus on you. On your healing.

And, having had alcohol problems myself in the past, I wonder if you are trying to get sober on your own. That is a challenge, especially given the stress you are under. Your husband is not responsible for your drinking; you are. You are not responsible for your husband's addiction; he is. I know how very hard it is to believe this and it took me a while to really accept this reality. But, once I did, I felt so much better. Time is precious and because I care about you I think it is best for you to spend that time on you...on the partners workshop, on some sort of program to help you with alcohol. I'll be honest, my drinking, after decades of sobriety, increased post D-day. The pain of my situation made me want to numb and escape and the siren call of my old addiction called to me. That is not unusual for partners due to their trauma. But, it only adds to my trauma to fall back into old destructive patterns.

With compassion,

PostPosted: Sat Dec 05, 2015 2:07 pm 

Joined: Tue Nov 24, 2015 2:51 pm
Posts: 65
I would start the partner lessons regardless of whether he's doing his part on the recovery lessons. Having an "assignment" helped me put my feelings into words while doing the lessons. I am up to lesson 7 which I will work on this weekend. My H, while sincere in his wants to recover, has only finished lesson 1. It's discouraging but he needs to go at his own pace.

I just keep trucking on with my lessons because I know I can't force him to do his. He wants to do his, but since Dday he's picked up more hours because we are moving to Florida (I have no family here where we are and I told him I was moving to be near my family with or without him) and he doesn't have much down time.

I know in my gut that he's no AO right now, but I will just have to wait and see his actions about doing the lessons. I think once he gets further in, he may enjoy them more or at least that's what I hope.

He knows my username and I know his but we don't peek at each other's posts. Well I don't anyway, I promised him I wouldn't. And if he looks at mine, he can't get mad if he sees something negative, I gave him fair warning.

"Flying like a cannonball, falling to the earth
Heavy as a feather when, you hit the dirt
How am I the lucky one?, I do not deserve
To wait around forever when, you were there first
First you get hurt, then you feel sorry."

-Cold War Kids

PostPosted: Sat Dec 05, 2015 6:41 pm 

Joined: Sun Nov 29, 2015 2:39 pm
Posts: 10

PostPosted: Fri Dec 11, 2015 4:16 am 

Joined: Mon Jul 13, 2015 12:43 pm
Posts: 83
bbyburg wrote:
The whole dynamic of how this is supposed to play out isn't starting out the way I envisioned!

OK, here's problem number one for most of the people I've read about here....we don't understand the way their brain works. They're childish, immature and don't see their aberrant behavior as being unusual. We want them to have healthy normal thoughts like we have healthy normal thoughts.

Perhaps since you mentioned you have an issue with alcohol, you can relate better than some of us.
Do you feel your desire to drink is healthy?
Do you understand your compulsion to drink when stressed is similar to his compulsions?
I don't know if it's similar, but perhaps being able to sympathize might help you have healthier goals for the recovery.

While I'm on my soap box doling out my $.02, please go to an AA meeting. White knuckling an alcohol problem while sitting in the middle of a stressful and emotional relationship issue is like throwing gasoline on a fire....for yourself, go get healthy, you deserve it.

Meantime, do the partner's lessons, they will help you as well.

Think of this time in your life like the pre-flight speech we all know so well.
"Should the cabin loose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the mask over your own mouth and nose before assisting anyone else"
The reason for this is that you can't help anyone else if you are not ok yourself.

bbyburg wrote:
Bleh!! Just so frustrated...

Here's the good news, we're all frustrated so you have plenty of understanding company.
I'm sorry to see you here with us but I'm truly happy that you found the place you need to be.

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