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PostPosted: Wed Dec 16, 2015 2:11 pm 
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Joined: Fri Aug 14, 2015 10:30 am
Posts: 95
I'm finding myself wondering lately what the men in our lives would do if the tables were turned, if we were the SAs. At the moment, I can't see that men would put up with half the cr*p we are trying to.. or would they? What do you think your SA would do if the roles were reversed? Would he/she try to support you, stick with you, be compassionate, try to work through their pain and save the relationship? I'm not sure my H would. He is a very black & white person and I imagine that if he thought I had been sexting other men and compulsively watching porn for over a year, while he was trying to be a good husband and look after two children on his own, he wouldn't be as compassionate as I'm trying to be. But it's hard to know for sure. I'm not sure he would make much of an effort to save the relationship and would probably just shut it down. What do you think about your partner?

I'm not sure what the point of this is, but it's just something I'm wrestling with a bit at the moment and wondering if I'm showing myself all of the respect that H would show himself if he was in this situation.


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 16, 2015 2:30 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
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We currently have a male partner in our community, and there have been male partners in the past.

I know my husband would not have stayed with me if he discovered I was acting out. Hard to say how much if this is due to his being "male" or due to his general immaturity.

dnell


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 16, 2015 5:18 pm 
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I don't think my H would be as supportive. He would probably just drop me. He has even told me during some of our talks that he doesn't know if he could be as strong as I've been through this ordeal so far.

_________________
"Flying like a cannonball, falling to the earth
Heavy as a feather when, you hit the dirt
How am I the lucky one?, I do not deserve
To wait around forever when, you were there first
First you get hurt, then you feel sorry."


-Cold War Kids


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 16, 2015 8:41 pm 
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Joined: Tue Apr 15, 2014 5:45 pm
Posts: 45
I did decide on an open marriage (which really has been an in house separation- not an open marriage), a decision for which I have had no regret. There was some discussion on RN to think about an open marriage carefully and to weigh that decision carefully against my values. The decision had little to nothing to do with my husband's actions. There is no way to "get a sex addict back". I just looked in the mirror (after having experienced basically 2 sexless marriages) and thought I want to be sexual before I die.

The journey of my sexuality has had its ups and downs. I have come in contact with more sex addicts, but even that has helped me weed out issues in my healing. For example, I can look more objectively at a sex addict without the emotional involvement. I have a past history of sexual assault and just really wanted to experience sexuality-- without assault--without a partner's sex addiction.

I do know early on my partner stated that my actions were very triggering to him. In turn, his stating that my actions were triggering to him made me feel that he was not empathizing with me and all that was lost in the discovery of his sex addiction.

He has dealt with it. It has allowed issues like sexual entitlement to be addressed in counseling. In the bigger picture. I feel that men as a culture are going to have to deal with women turning away or going elsewhere when they choose vices like porn. It is a very natural/logical consequence. I hope to be part of changing the larger culture. For one of the first times in history, the internet might open up (a lot of problems, obviously--ha ha) but perhaps more open discussion. I feel that women's sexuality needs to be embraced.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 17, 2015 12:30 am 
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Joined: Sat Mar 28, 2015 4:40 am
Posts: 67
If the shoe were on the other foot, my husband said he'd search out the guys, and that they'd have a lot of flat tires. I do wonder if that's a gender thing because we have a male partner in my S-anon group, and he shared the fact that he had been compiling files on all the men in hopes of enacting some revenge.
Beyond sabotaging vehicles, my husband has said he has no idea what he'd do. He said he can't imagine it happening to him. Maybe that is why empathy is so hard to come by for him?


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 17, 2015 4:39 am 
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Joined: Fri Aug 14, 2015 10:30 am
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It would be interesting to hear a male partner's perspective here if he was willing to share.

I haven't asked this question of H yet but I will soon. He keeps saying that I'm way stronger than him, similar to your partner Need-Hope. I think he'd probably walk away and maybe he can't understand why I'm not doing that.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 17, 2015 8:44 am 
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Joined: Tue Nov 24, 2015 2:51 pm
Posts: 65
I will say that I have had some thoughts of going to the home of my H's long term FWB and spraying some graffiti on the house or slashing some tires. I would never do that, but the thought of it sometimes is appealing to me. My H was with so many people (that part gives me anxiety when I think about it) that it would be too hard to seek them all out, some were at hotels of people traveling and just in town for a night. Yuck.

Sigh.

_________________
"Flying like a cannonball, falling to the earth
Heavy as a feather when, you hit the dirt
How am I the lucky one?, I do not deserve
To wait around forever when, you were there first
First you get hurt, then you feel sorry."


-Cold War Kids


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