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 Post subject: How to deal
PostPosted: Fri Jan 01, 2016 1:35 pm 
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Joined: Fri Jan 01, 2016 1:14 pm
Posts: 1
I just found this site and I think it will be helpful. Right now I am so lost. My husband is addicted to porn and masturbation and it's affecting our marriage. I've asked him to not do it when I'm around. He doesn't think it's a problem. Won't admit to addiction and flat out told me he won't stop.

It's messing with my head so much today right before taking him to work I noticed the porn on his computer. He had to go to work. So I couldn't just leave the room. I have a packed day and I can't get it out of my head. I don't know what to do. I just feel so sad and sick and I can't focus.

How do you deal? In the moment right now, how do I deal? I plan do go through the lessons in here but I can't right this moment.


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 Post subject: Re: How to deal
PostPosted: Sat Jan 02, 2016 11:06 am 
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Joined: Tue Jul 01, 2014 1:38 pm
Posts: 67
Hello there. Sorry you have had to find us. But now you're here, know that this is a safe place and we are all here together.

We have all been where you are and it sucks. There's a lot to learn and you should go through the partner's workshop when you find the strength. But in the short term I'd say:

- Accept that this hurts like hell and it will knock you for six. The more you try to fight it the worse it feels.
- Honour your feelings. That knot in your tummy means you need to cry. So do it. It'll tire you out but it will help.
- Don't think your husband can help you in any way. The porn is in control. He is in denial. He can't talk about what he does or why. It's like trying to reason with a drunk. Don't hit your head against that wall.
- Don't let anyone tell you what to do. If you are safe you don't have to do anything immediately. You don't have to leave your home immediately. You don't have to love him or hate him. Understand that.you are traumatised so you are confused and hurt right now.
- Look after.yourself.mentally and physically. Don't hit the bottle. That's a slippery slope.
- Find someone you can talk to about it. If there is a COSA or SAnon group in your area that might be a place to start. Get out and smile whenever you can.

And finally, keep posting.

Dnell will probably give you much more thoughtful advice. But that's my starter for ten.

Big hugs. SS.

_________________
'The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows'. Buddha.


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 Post subject: Re: How to deal
PostPosted: Sat Jan 02, 2016 11:39 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 659
Hello sadhurtwife - I can't give you better advice than shell shocked, but I hope you can feel the love, compassion and solidarity the partners develop for each other here at RN.

I would start doing the healing lessons. They were immensely helpful to me. And, I agree with shell shocked: cry, cry and cry. THEN...do something nice for yourself. Anything. At first we need to gain a sense of control and emotional equilibrium, and that is very hard to do. So, be gentle with yourself. Give yourself permission to be shocked, upset, at wits end. You are traumatized. We are all traumatized. One of the most important things a coach told me when I first joined RN was to consider that my husband was harmful to my well being. He was. That's a devastating realization, but an important one.

For now, your focus needs to be on you. I know, really know, how hard that is to do. You don't have to make any immediate decisions about your husband or your marriage. I so desperately wanted to know what to do early on but I was way too emotionally fragile to do so. As long as you are physically safe, you can give yourself permission to wait. The challenge is to stay emotionally safe, and the way to do that is to detach from your husband and to focus on yourself. The lessons help with this. Posting and reading the partners forum helps as well.

You will feel better. Time helps. The lessons help. In my case, I have been seeing a therapist specializing in trauma, and that has helped. Know that this excruciating moment will pass. It will still hurt, but not as much.

You are not alone. We are here for you. We know.

With deep compassion,
dnell


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