Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Mon Oct 14, 2019 6:23 pm

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 18 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next
Author Message
PostPosted: Wed Nov 11, 2015 12:47 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sat Oct 03, 2015 7:39 pm
Posts: 29
I am wondering if it is possible to get some feedback on how others here deal with anxiety and how they stop overthinking?? I think thats what I am doing? constantly have conversations in my head that I can't turn off!

I know I need to keep busy, but at this point, I am lost. Just when I thought I was moving forward, I get hit with another 2X4 !

thanks for your time....


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Nov 12, 2015 9:34 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jul 01, 2014 1:38 pm
Posts: 67
I have practiced mindfullness meditation which is a process of training your brain to live in the here and now. Jon Kabat-Zinn is the person who pioneered it in the west. You can download free mp3s if you do a google search. You can also download five mp3s free from the SoundsTrue website. They don't switch off the rumination instantly but gradually it trains your mind to acknowledge and then release so you can nip the thoughts in the bud before they turn into heart-pounding panic.

In the early days I just used distraction but that just buried the feelings. Not pretty when they erupted. Sometimes you just have to.cry it out before you can move forward.

This will pass and when it does you will have learnt loads about managing your emotions. Breathe deep.

_________________
'The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows'. Buddha.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Nov 12, 2015 9:59 am 
Offline

Joined: Fri Aug 14, 2015 10:30 am
Posts: 95
Hi needsupport,
My emotions were all over the place after H revealed his SA and I can honestly say that the lessons here helped me to regain some control over them and feel a bit calmer. Some of the lessons were really hard, but I just kept plugging through them, and I usually felt better afterwards. Seeing a therapist and journaling has also helped me with my anxieties. Maybe you could find something to soothe you, e.g. a walk in the outdoors, a long bath with candles, a foot massage, etc.. anything that will make you feel calmer and more relaxed.
Wishing you all the best.
B x


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Nov 14, 2015 12:29 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sat Oct 03, 2015 7:39 pm
Posts: 29
Thank you both shell shocked and beachcomber! I do have a therapist and in a 12 step group, but still finding my Higher Power difficult right now.
I do go for walks as much as possible, but find that most of the time I am alone and that is when my head goes all over the place.
I am going to look into the meditation as this was what my therapist suggested yesterday, but feels I should be going to a group class to stop being so isolated.
I guess my issues with overthinking comes from still having daily stuff with my ex. That is now what I will start calling him as he is not in proper recovery, dealing in his own way and also is still looking for prey. Telling people how happy he is now, bla bla, so my anxiety was subsiding but came back with more discoveries of what he is doing, trying to date again etc....Of course, my brain goes into overdrive and what a fool I was thinking he would want to recover and have a healthy marriage moving forward...Those thoughts I need to stop before they consume me, which happens so often.
Thanks so much for all your suggestions, I will try anything at this point !
NS


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Nov 26, 2015 10:34 am 
Offline

Joined: Sat Oct 03, 2015 7:39 pm
Posts: 29
Thank you for your suggestions!! I use to be so creative having so many ideas of things and now my brain is mush!! No interested in anything. I did buy an adult coloring book but haven't been able to open it. I must try it at least !!!

Thanks for replying. It is helpful to know I am not alone but yet I still feel alone ?! Not sure it that makes sense ??


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Nov 26, 2015 12:58 pm 
Offline

Joined: Thu Feb 28, 2013 10:59 pm
Posts: 76
Location: East coast
Oh, need support, it makes perfect sense. I have felt that way many times, and still occasionally struggle with it. I'm very grateful for all the support I have received here and continue to receive. Sometimes, it is the only support I have received. But, at the the same time, it cannot replace face to face human contact. You are not alone even if we cannot be there in person to tell you so...

Wishing you all the best,
Aphi83


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Nov 27, 2015 8:38 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sat Oct 03, 2015 7:39 pm
Posts: 29
Thank you so much, it is very hard as face to face is so important to have that human contact. But, I will take anything at this point. Very lonely....


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Nov 28, 2015 3:43 am 
Offline

Joined: Fri Jan 25, 2013 1:59 pm
Posts: 127
Hi needsupport .
It has taken me 3 years plus to get where I am today . My situation was very much like yours . Last year I found a fantastic therapist who helped me with my anxiety . He told me anxiety is fear and nothing more . Fear is a thought it can't hurt you . You fear what has happened but that's it , it has happened . You lived ,and as painful as it was he was right I lived . So we looked at my fear and we turned it on its head . Now I recognise it when it rears its ugly head I know it's a past reaction and for me the key is past! I still live in the same house as my SA he won't move out but over time I've started to find me , I had no idea who I was , I focussed on me . He acts out still, lies still etc etc but that's his life's journey and not mine . I tried to control his life journey by trying to "change him " by hope etc etc BUT I had no right to do that and by doing so ,became as controlling as him . Thus I fed my anxiety (fear) I had to let it go let him go . It's was and still is painful on some days but I have grown . I have started to become me and live the life that was ment for me . Experiencing where you are now is so painful .I never thought I would get through it . You will ...... Look after you , remember it has happened ,your worst fear . In my case I owned that fear , screamed cried came on this sight and slowly slowly grew when I faced my anxiety fear and knew after 3 long years it had happened , it was the past ,something I could not change and was not responcible for .however I didn't live there I lived now . He chose to live that life I did not . Hope that helps . Wanted you to believe there is light at the end of the tunnel and it gets brighter x x
Newdaytomorrow x x


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Nov 28, 2015 7:03 am 
Offline

Joined: Thu Feb 28, 2013 10:59 pm
Posts: 76
Location: East coast
Newdaytomorrow has hit the nail on the head.

Individual counseling was a godsend! I spent 18 months in counseling. I needed my counselor desperately. She gave me a safe place to vent, she validated my feelings. She also reassured me that my reactions were normal and helped me to determine which reactions and feelings were healthy and which were not. Another BIG one was she gave me suggestions on ways to enforce boundaries and to shut down H's crazy talking!!!

Wishing you all the best,
Aphi83


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Nov 28, 2015 10:38 am 
Offline
Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 659
This thread has been so helpful to me. I'm a year or two out from discovery (depends on which d-day I count) and I'm immensely better than a year ago but still have a ways to go. Here's what I have learned from Jon's lessons, from the coaches and mentors, from all of the partners, and from my reading.

Discovery of our partner's addiction(s) is severely traumatic. I can't deny the depth of the pain and trauma nor is it in my interest to minimize it. I don't want to live in that pain forever, but to heal from it, I needed to be honest with myself about how deeply traumatic and painful my husband has been to me. Even now I have times where I can't quite "believe" what happened to me, which I now think is my way of not accepting reality because it's just too painful.

All of my feelings, and all of your feelings, are reasonable. I needed a therapist to help me with that. Week after week she tells me I am reasonable. Not crazy. Not selfish. Not co-dependent. I realize that addicts deny and distort not only our reality but our feelings. My husband is in active recovery, but he still can't handle my feelings. It is so important to have this forum and someone who understands without criticism or minimization what we feel. I have also learned that I need to LEARN how to express my feelings and my wants and needs. Clearly my husband didn't want me to, but my part was not knowing how or permitting myself to do so.

Meditation really helps. It helps with the painful feelings. It reduces anxiety. It helps with my suffering. I'm not great at it, but I'm keeping at it.

Therapy, with an excellent therapist, can really help.

Some partners have been helped by S-Anon or Al-Anon or COSA meetings. They haven't helped me, but I know they've been helpful to others.

At first I was obsessed with what my husband had done. I can still feel my fear and anxiety about this. I'm so much less interested in that, in fact it repels me now. What I am more interested in is why I put up with all of this. What was so damaged in me that I lived in an abusive situation for so long. My trauma therapy has really helped me with this. My primary focus is on understanding me.

And, now that I understand my trauma, I need to focus on my life now. What gives me meaning and fulfillment? What makes me happy? How can I not self deprive. This is so important and it is so tragic that we partners have had such difficulty doing this. We need permission to focus on ourselves.

I realize that giving meaning to my past with my husband will always end at grief. Grief at what I lost. How can it be anything else? And, that grief does not have to overwhelm me or prevent my from living a better life in the time I have left.

It does get better. It's not a straight line. It takes time.

With deep compassion for us all,
dnell


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Dec 16, 2015 7:12 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sat Oct 03, 2015 7:39 pm
Posts: 29
well I am so up and down and side ways, but thanks to all your replies, it does help to know I am not the only one. I just can't stand the alone feeling. I reach out to people, but there are times, I am just sad and alone and that brings on the anxiety. I start thinking that maybe things could work! Thats what I get upset with myself about! He is clearly not in recovery, even though he thinks he is. I don't know why he thinks that as he is now seeing another woman that lives 5 hrs away. He can't be alone, so he needs a new relationship. Crazy that 28 years of marriage can be the past for him in a matter of a couple of months. Just thinking about this causes me such anxiety, sadness, etc. Still lies about it of course, as he doesn't know how I have all this information on what he is up to since he has been living on his own.
I suppose I shouldn't think at all about him and what he is doing, but I do not want to be fooled anymore! Knowing the truth should make me realize and move on without any thoughts of him. But I suppose that is what is "wrong" with me, I need to keep hoping?? I don't know, I am sure watching my mom stay with her men through anything, is embedded in me and her constantly repeating through the years "better to be with the devil you know, than a devil you don't"! why be with a devil at all!! but unfortunately, I understood that and being a stay at home mom still not working over 24 years, kept me feeling life could be worse....anxiety again....I am going to S anon, but not sure if I can relate, I find just being able to meet some other woman that understand and become friends with has made me feel not so alone.
Thanks to you all that replied, it does help hearing others stories and journeys.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Dec 17, 2015 8:03 am 
Offline

Joined: Mon Jul 13, 2015 12:43 pm
Posts: 83
needsupport wrote:
well I am so up and down and side ways, but thanks to all your replies, it does help to know I am not the only one.

One of the harder parts for me was the statement that I should feel what I am feeling, ackowledge it and accept it. That's what's real. Being afraid/anxious about all of this is perfectly normal.
You're doing a good job of ackowledging how you feel, now you just have to accept it.

needsupport wrote:
I just can't stand the alone feeling. I reach out to people, but there are times, I am just sad and alone and that brings on the anxiety. I start thinking that maybe things could work! Thats what I get upset with myself about! He is clearly not in recovery, even though he thinks he is. I don't know why he thinks that as he is now seeing another woman that lives 5 hrs away. He can't be alone, so he needs a new relationship. Crazy that 28 years of marriage can be the past for him in a matter of a couple of months. Just thinking about this causes me such anxiety, sadness, etc. Still lies about it of course, as he doesn't know how I have all this information on what he is up to since he has been living on his own.

There's a few problems in this as far as I can see.
1. You need to focus on you, you seem extremely focused on him. He's not your priority, his addiction is not your priority, you are your priority and you are far too important to not be the focus of recovery.
2. You seem to feel that his addiction has something to do with you. His addiction is his, his problem, his fault, his issue, his priority. You can't make him get better, you can't help him if he's not helping himself and you can't help yourself if you let yourself believe you have anything to do with his addiction.

needsupport wrote:
I suppose I shouldn't think at all about him and what he is doing, but I do not want to be fooled anymore!

This is part of your healing, caring about someone, loving them and committing to them isn't being fooled. You were doing what anyone else would do in a normal healthy relationship. That stopped when you stopped trusting your gut, stopped trusting yourself and allowed lies, manipulation etc to drive things.
Now it's time for you to disconnect from him and his addiction.

It's time to ask yourself the difficult question.
Is it important to know what he's doing if I am moving on with my life?

needsupport wrote:
Knowing the truth should make me realize and move on without any thoughts of him. But I suppose that is what is "wrong" with me, I need to keep hoping?? I don't know, I am sure watching my mom stay with her men through anything, is embedded in me and her constantly repeating through the years "better to be with the devil you know, than a devil you don't"! why be with a devil at all!! but unfortunately, I understood that and being a stay at home mom still not working over 24 years, kept me feeling life could be worse....anxiety again....I am going to S anon, but not sure if I can relate, I find just being able to meet some other woman that understand and become friends with has made me feel not so alone.

This is the part where you need individual therapy, someone specializing in sexual addiction is your best bet, this is a different nightmare than most therapists have ever seen. Finding someone who understands it will help you greatly.

needsupport wrote:
Thanks to you all that replied, it does help hearing others stories and journeys.

It's heartbreaking to see how many people need this place, however it makes me that much more grateful that it's here.

A genius woman here once told me the most fantastic thing....
Do something nice for yourself today.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Dec 30, 2015 8:13 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sat Oct 03, 2015 7:39 pm
Posts: 29
Thank you hadenuff I really don't know how to do it, but I will try. I can't get my head around what I need to do for me. I was lonely in our relationship most of the time. Dreaming of what I wish we could be like. Sitting outside on a beautiful summer evening having a glass of wine and no one to chat with. He was glued to the tv or laptop. I sat there hearing neighbor couples chatting and laughing with their spouses, and I was all alone. I will never forget those times. I will be doing that still now that he is gone, and instead of wishing he would join me, I will just be alone. That is what I find difficult, being alone, and that is probably the reason I put up with his addiction for all these years.
I appreciate everyones replies, and I feel I have gone backwards through the holidays, I am very down, Christmas is a hard time and I was sucked in again by feeling sorry for him so invited him for xmas dinner. He brought his laundry to do! then left right after he folded it all! now if that isn't a slap in the face. Now he is away with ? for 5 days. No hotel booked so ....I just feel like I am a sucker, too hopeful for something I have no control over.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Dec 31, 2015 1:29 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue Jul 01, 2014 1:38 pm
Posts: 67
Christmas is a terribly hard time for us. I have been dreading it since October. It hasnt been as bad as I thought but its still hard as we had 23 years together. But when I take the rose tinted spectacles off I can remember how often he was drunk, how much time he was 'sleeping' upstairs during the day, how my Christmas holidays were spent cleaning out kitchen cupboards and he would never help out unless I kicked up a fuss, how it was always me sorting out the needed household repairs, and always me who bought the presents and wrote the cards. And how all my hobbies were done without him because he never wanted us to do things together. One way or another me, the relationship and our life together were never high on his agenda because he didnt get high off us. Remembering that clears the glasses somewhat...!!!

_________________
'The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows'. Buddha.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Jan 07, 2016 11:43 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sat Oct 03, 2015 7:39 pm
Posts: 29
shell shocked that is so true! To remind ourselves of the way life really was, the everyday life, not the "good time stuff" that also, had some things that I would cringe at. The going for dinner and having to tell him to put his cell away! always having to Google something! and yes, I would make sure it was not anything else, that really sucked! thank you for your post, I can be in a "dream" of only all the good, but there definitely was more stressful, annoying, irritating, frustrating etc, times in the 28 years of marriage, not saying there were not good times, but even with every vacation, came problems that would create the holiday to not be so great, always having his laptop was a major problem for me that would put me into a negative mood whenever he opened it....


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 18 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group