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PostPosted: Mon Jan 11, 2016 9:57 am 
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Joined: Sun Jan 10, 2016 9:47 pm
Posts: 17
My husband and I met in college and married about 4 years after we graduated. I've considered him my best friend during our 31 year marriage. We have worked together in various church ministries. He is a well-respected professional in our community. We raised two very successful young adult children, and have a marriage that our family and friends admire. I am the product of parents who are just months away from their 60th wedding anniversary and two sisters who have been married 22 and 34 years. I've always viewed marriage as a lifelong commitment.
I knew there had been episodes of pornography in our early years of marriage, but it was my understanding that it was something in our past. In June 2015, I discovered that not only had the porn resurfaced, but it was same-sex porn and included sexual contact with other men. This was devastating and resulted in an in-house separation and landed us both in therapy. He's also in group therapy and SA. In a joint session on December 28th with his therapist for the purpose of full disclosure, he shared with me that he'd had a sexual contact since our June separation; that years ago, he'd had multiple partners in the bedroom of our home during times when I was out of town with our young children; and he declared that he just cannot seem to tell me the truth. Just yesterday, I found evidence that he has recently purchased condoms although he is not currently in the home and he and I have not been sexually active since June. When questioned, he admitted he purchased them "in case" he had an opportunity to have sex outside our marriage.
I do not know who I'm married to anymore. I love him and am willing to forgive all that has occurred if he is willing to sincerely commit to serious recovery. I just don't know him anymore and certainly cannot believe anything he tells me. He has expressed wavering faith in God due to his perception that God has not answered his prayers for deliverance from this addiction, as well he is questioning his sexual orientation. I'm wondering where these questions leave me and our marriage. I feel abandoned, un-chosen, and lost. He says he loves me and wants our marriage. As much as I love him and want our marriage, I realize I cannot trust him to tell the truth until he's backed into a corner. However, its frightening for me to think of a future without him.


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 14, 2016 5:28 pm 
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Joined: Tue Nov 24, 2015 2:51 pm
Posts: 65
I'm so sorry, my husband strayed into same sex encounters in addition to encounters with women as well. He swears he is not gay, that men were easier to find for sex. That most ads for women were spam-bots.

It's not easy, but you aren't alone here, HUGS.

_________________
"Flying like a cannonball, falling to the earth
Heavy as a feather when, you hit the dirt
How am I the lucky one?, I do not deserve
To wait around forever when, you were there first
First you get hurt, then you feel sorry."


-Cold War Kids


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 28, 2016 7:02 pm 
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Joined: Sat Oct 03, 2015 7:39 pm
Posts: 29
I am also sorry for all that you are going through. I too am feel very frightened and alone through all this. My SA is not living with me and has chosen to "move on" so after all I have put up with I now am feeling like i have been stabbed in the heart and tossed in the trash. you are not alone in your feelings take care of yourself now


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 29, 2016 8:33 am 
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Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
I am sorry you feel "un-chosen". One thing that you will learn as you progress through the workshop is that his addiction is not about you. There is the fact that he appears to be choosing his addiction over you, but this is not an active choice; it's the "easy" choice in that he doesn't have to think about what he is doing, he is simply reacting to the reward centres in his brain. Ultimately, he does have choice but unfortunately, it sounds like he isn't willing to take responsibility for that choice (as he continues to succumb to urges). This might not change how things are, or make things feel better right now, but it is an important perspective to maintain--this is not about you being worthy, good enough, or any other enough. It is about his emotional immaturity and seeming incapacity to not be driven by immediate gratification and selfishness and the resultant disconnection from the he meaning and fulfillment he could get from living according to his values and disconnect from impact of his behaviours.

Be well.

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 30, 2016 9:06 pm 
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Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2014 12:20 am
Posts: 131
Gevaliadrinker,
I am 15 months into discovering my husband also had been having samesex encounters for the past 10 years of our 20 year relationship. I totally understand your devastation and disbelief and also feel like I have been unchosen and disregarded in his pursuits for stimulation. We are still together and trying to work out our relationship while he attempts his recovery and I am still reeling from trying to just wrap my head around what our life really was compared to what I thought it was. RN is a great forum for finding support from others and has been invaluable to me. Although I am doing a lot of meditation and healing work, I also feel like I am now part of the deceit to present the 'perfect couple picture' that seems to be so important for him! Blessings to you and to us all as we adjust to this reality!!

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It is always OK in the end...if it's not OK, it's not the end!


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