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PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2016 3:17 pm 
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Joined: Mon Feb 01, 2016 7:09 pm
Posts: 20
Hello. It's my first time posting in here. I've been doing the partners recovery workshop for a few weeks now though. My husband of 15 years is a porn addict. He has emotionally and physically cheated on me. First d-day was in August. 2nd and worst was 9/17/15. He sent me this message last night and I am really saddened by it. I don't even know what to think. A) he isnt in therapy and B) I removed the restrictions I had on his phone. I shouldnt have to monitor him and it only provided me with a false sense of security I think. Anyways, here it is, please tell me what you would think/feel if you read this and how you would react:

Our life sucks.

Our life sucked before all of this.

Our life and well being are and have been extremely vulnerable for a very long time.
I don't see that changing.

All I see is you demanding the absolute best from me in all aspects of my life from now on, and forever and accepting nothing less no matter if I'm weak, depressed or whatever.

The things I want out of life no longer matter.
The things that I wanted out of life, that have eluded me all this time, that I have strived for are gone. They won't happen.

My existence is not for me anymore.

I see us trying to solve a problem that even if solved, will just lead us to the other problems that are still there and have always been there.

I need time to myself.
Time not working, not sleeping, not driving, not trying to figure us out, not exhausted, not in the middle of the night. I need time to think clearly and sort my thoughts.
You think I have enough time.
I have little to no time for myself.

And no matter what I have done, it should be noted that every password lock or parental lock or GPS check or whatever is of my own free will. I do not HAVE to go along with that. But I have.

I could have destroyed your old phone.
I could have demanded my phone unlocked.
I could have done anything that I wanted because I am not in prison.
I am free to make choices, EVEN after making terrible choices.
I have gone further above and beyond than you will allow me to believe.
But that will never be spoken from your mouth.
no mater what I do, IT will never be enough.
Ever.


Last edited by Fallenangel_74 on Thu Mar 10, 2016 5:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Opinions wanted
PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2016 5:46 pm 
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Joined: Mon Mar 07, 2016 5:01 pm
Posts: 5
Fallenangel_74:

I'm so sorry this has happened. I am still new to this forum and just beginning the Partners Recovery workshop myself, so please take what you like from my opinion and discard the rest.

First, I agree with you that it doesn't sound like he's actively working toward recovery. It sounds like an attempt to make excuses for a relapse that has already happened, or that maybe he is in the middle of? It almost sounds like he is trying to re-direct blame for choices and struggles back to you. This is not your fault. He made choices that hurt you, he is also capable of making choices that would help heal the both of you.

Continue working on yourself and loving yourself. My heart goes out to you.


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 Post subject: Re: Opinions wanted
PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2016 5:57 pm 
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Joined: Mon Feb 01, 2016 7:09 pm
Posts: 20
Thank you for your response. I hadn't thought of the relapse aspect but, considering his phone is completely open after several months... You could be very right.


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 13, 2016 12:46 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3798
Location: UK
Hello FallenAngel
you requested opinion from both sides so from the dark side I comment
first and foremost you need accept no blame, his addiction hurts and affects you for sure, but the responsibilities are all his

he says that life sucks, after being found out all addicts need to decide
change or not,
it may seem that post addiction appears to suck but the reality is totally different, he needs to accept this if recovery is to be attained
your H appears to be in turmoil, you cannot help there, he has to do it for himself, he has to deserve to share your life

My opinion on policing is again totally on his own behest, you cannot do it for him, nor should you try but I accept that it happens

Is he participating in the RN recovery programme?
if not perhaps you could suggest that he does so, believe me he will learn from it but recovery is not guaranteed, he needs to want it and from the one message that you post it appears to want to blame everyone and everything rather than take it on the chin and declare
I am an addict
addiction is a problem
I will beat it

he needs to realise that trust , once broken, takes time , consistency, effort and total honesty even to start to be rebuilt

He sounds to be full of anger, but that anger should be directed towards his addiction and his attitude towards it,

Not sure this helps you but remember you are not alone, the Partner community support you
Please concentrate of your healing and on behalf of the addicts side I apologise for your pain and wish you well in the future

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 13, 2016 10:38 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jan 31, 2010 10:51 am
Posts: 243
Dear Angel,

Sadly, his message to you is not the message of someone who realises what he has done and wants to face up to it. Your discoveries have brought him face to face with himself and he can either face the pain and deal with it, or run from the opportunities to fix it.

At the moment he is saying life sucks and he is externalising the reasons for this, hinting that it is you. He is avoiding the responsibility. He is finding excuses not to face up to his own problems, arguing that even if he did, there would still be "other problems". This is deflection and a classic response of addicts who are still entrenched in their addiction. He is the victim in his own mind.

This is where he is at right now. The only decision you can make is whether this is tolerable for you, or not. If he chooses to face up to his issues, it will come from him and not from you.

I wish you all the best. I believe you will find the help and direction you need through the partner's workshop.


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 14, 2016 7:12 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 656
Fallenangel - I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am moved by the thoughtful and kind responses you have received from those on the recovery side. They give me hope.

I invite you to come over to the partner's side. Do the partners workshop. Post in the partners forum. We know. We understand. Right now, as you have heard, you can not make your partner see reality or become sincere about recovery. There are things you can do, as Jon teaches us in the partners lessons, but ultimately, he is in total control of his response to the discovery of his addiction. And, the good news is that you can heal no matter what he does. Yes, it is easier to heal if our partners are sincere abut recovery. But we can't wait for that or depend on that. Healing, just like your partner's decision as to how he will deal with his addiction, is yours and yours alone. But, here is the healing news, you don't have to face this alone. There is a community of partners that can support your healing journey.

My healing journey is not complete, but I am doing so much better than I was a year or two ago, and so much better than in the decades of my marriage to an active addict. I don't know what will happen with my marriage, but the more important question is what will happen to me. When I realized that my focus had to be on me, my happiness, my healing, my life...that is when life started to get better.

With deep compassion,
dnell


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 16, 2016 10:54 pm 
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Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
re: I removed the restrictions I had on his phone. I shouldnt have to monitor him and it only provided me with a false sense of security I think.

Yes, any security this kind of control provides is most definitely false. Good that you removed restrictions. It is not your job to police him in this manner and if he is to transition to health and values based living, he is going to have to do it freely, of his own volition.

re: My existence is not for me anymore.

I am not clear on what you mean, here. It sounds like you are saying that you do not wish to live. If you feel this way, I urge you to talk to your family physician; if the sense is more immediate, call a crisis line in your area. now. If you are not in an immediate crisis, please do talk to a doctor, a counsellor, or some other person in your area who can help you get the help you need as soon as you can. It is important that you take care of you.

I am editing this tread so it is not both sides, as there is no need for it to be so. The reason RN has two separate forums is because members from each community have different needs —especially early in their respective processes. Both need to feel safe to share openly and when we elicit responses from the “other side” from a place of distress, disorientation, or some other drive for emotional release or gratification, we violate that sense of freedom and security.


Be well.

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 18, 2016 9:53 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:33 pm
Posts: 96
CoachMel wrote:

re: My existence is not for me anymore.

I am not clear on what you mean, here. It sounds like you are saying that you do not wish to live. If you feel this way, I urge you to talk to your family physician; if the sense is more immediate, call a crisis line in your area. now. If you are not in an immediate crisis, please do talk to a doctor, a counsellor, or some other person in your area who can help you get the help you need as soon as you can. It is important that you take care of you.



I read this differently. I think her husband was saying this?


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 19, 2016 2:37 pm 
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Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
Yes, I think you are correct. Regardless, the message is the same--any time someone expresses apathy for their own life, they should be directed to seek help. Fallen Angel-if your husband has said this you need to direct him to get help. However, you are not responsible for his getting help. Take care of you.

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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