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PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2016 11:09 pm 
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Joined: Mon Feb 09, 2015 5:03 pm
Posts: 18
Dear Self,

I know you are screaming, your eyes are bloodshot and your mind is exploding at the impossible truth you see in front of you. You're teeter-tottering between denial, dry stomach heaves and melting onto the floor in an inconsolable heap. But, as you look into his emptiness you see the truth. I know you want to punch him in the face but take a step backward.

Good. Take another step.

Now walk away. Go to the kitchen, get a drink of water and stare out the window into the black night for a minute...

Strengthen yourself, because you are about to enter the storm of your life.

It's ok to be afraid. And angry. And pissed. And it's ok to throw all his belongings out of your room and spit on them. It's ok to hunker down and cry on your sofa and not know what to do. It's ok to feel numb. Press into the numbness as it's Gods way of protecting you and as a good friend pointed out, possibly protecting him as well. It's ok to feel bitter and sallow disrespect. It's ok to doubt and hold mistrust. It's ok to disconnect from him. And, oddly it's ok to connect with him. It's ok to hate him. It's ok to banish him from your home and life. It's ok to feel humiliated by his actions. It's ok to wonder what the hell you did wrong. It's ok to tell no one and then everyone. It's ok to question your sexuality. It's ok to squeeze your eyes shut and wish this terrible mess away. It's ok to wear the same sweatpants for days, forget to wash your hair and call in sick to work. It's ok to pretend. And, it's ok to be utterly raw. It's ok to stay up all night watching Divorce Court. It's ok to text your sponsor in the middle of the night. It's ok to try and manipulate and control him. It's ok to puke in your mouth every time you see him. It's ok to be racked by triggers and terrible thoughts. It's ok to feel betrayal and want revenge. It's ok to be lost and confused and question God. All these and more are ok. Not because it's what you should do and should feel but because it's what you do feel. This is trauma. There is no doubt it will scar and change you.

But, it is not ok to wallow or dwell on any of these. There is a time to get up off the couch and get to work.

Do not be afraid of the unfamiliar emotions that are coming your way. You can do this. You will find an untapped strength and discover that you are oddly well-prepared to move through this pain. These emotions will be your lighthouse. They will guide you through this storm. Through the squall. Through the screaming white walls of shame and fear. For each ugly emotion you feel you must also feel your way out of it. Everything has it's opposite. And, at the end of all this is deep forgiveness.

Take your time. Be patient with yourself. Make sure you are ok. But do this. This is how you will be able to let go of the hurt and replace it with love. Love is everything.

Time will pass and you will begin to see shadows and silhouettes in the storm. You will see the outline of an orange life vest. Reach out. Paddle toward her. You need each other. Her rescue boat may be shattered and sinking but she has an extra life vest. Share with each other. Do not be afraid to tell your story.

Listen to your mind. What does it tell you? Then listen to your heart. What does it tell you? When that small voice in your heart matches the small voice in your mind you will have the courage to take another step forward. You will be led not knowing beforehand the things you should do or what the future will hold. The only way out of this storm is to keep paddling. You will come to know that the strength of your paddle is not your own.

There is one truth you must learn to accept. This is a painful and difficult truth. It's something you will struggle with but once you accept it, it will change everything.

This is it:
There are no guarantees. Your partner is a free agent. He may or may not change. You cannot force it. Wish it. Be sexy enough for it. Or beg it to happen. Only he will decide. And you must step back and let him do it, or not do it.

There is also one last thing I want to tell you. And, it might be the most important of all.

I am from your future. I know what happens. I know the outcome. Right this very moment I'm sitting on your living room floor, drinking hot chocolate and typing you this letter. I have been through the storm. My heart is full of happiness, love, compassion and forgiveness. I feel more depth and understanding of life's purpose. I am here to tell you that the storm of your life does not steal or waste you. It builds you.

You can do this.

Love,
Me

from the diary of a beautiful-hearted sister, http://eatmyscabs.blogspot.com/p/meet-scabs.html


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 11, 2016 12:51 am 
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Joined: Tue May 19, 2015 7:43 pm
Posts: 16
I needed this today...thank you.

-hawke


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 12, 2016 11:35 am 
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Joined: Mon Feb 09, 2015 5:03 pm
Posts: 18
starting today i must forget what's gone, appreciate what still remains, and look forward to what's coming next.

_________________
my heart


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 14, 2016 9:34 am 
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Joined: Mon Nov 07, 2011 4:31 am
Posts: 318
Mimi thank you for this. It very eloquently said what I have experienced. After DDay, and before I got the big help and support I have from RN, I was really falling apart with pain, and sometimes I handled it badly and lost control, mostly by shouting and trying to make my partner feel bad. I regret this very much now. And like you,
Quote:
starting today i must forget what's gone, appreciate what still remains, and look forward to what's coming next.


Actually, for me it's not really forgetting as much as having a memory, but one that doesn't trigger me any more and something I have been able to move through so that I am at peace with myself. I see the emotional debility he has as his own problem and nothing whatsoever to do with me. But I am also gentle on myself about my triggers and the idea of triggers: they mostly mean that things still need to be done, there is still room for growth. Which mostly comes from doing the lessons and getting sensible and sensitive feedback that we can get in the forum. And now, I know I can survive my triggers.

I have grown a lot and this wonderful post of yours has shown me how far I've come. And I'm still struggling but I now realize how I am capable of changing and in turn, this has helped me feel a lot different in the process, about myself and towards my SA. I have finally been able to understand him (sort of) but most importantly, forgive him. Which has taken a lot off my chest and allowed me to heal.

Thank you, thank you! :sat:


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 14, 2016 8:27 pm 
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Joined: Tue Apr 15, 2014 5:45 pm
Posts: 45
The way you describe the emotional tornado is so spot on. The way you defined that emotional tornado as trauma is so spot on.



thank you


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2016 10:08 am 
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Joined: Tue Oct 25, 2016 12:54 pm
Posts: 1
mimi4 wrote:
Dear Self,

Take your time. Be patient with yourself. Make sure you are ok. But do this. This is how you will be able to let go of the hurt and replace it with love.. Love is everything.

from the diary of a beautiful-hearted sister, http://eatmyscabs.blogspot.com/p/meet-scabs.html


Couldn't agree more mimi4 :)

Time and patience are good allies, and love... love is everything!

But first we must learn to love ourselves and then... The world is ours!


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 06, 2017 12:14 pm 
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Joined: Mon Sep 05, 2016 12:23 am
Posts: 39
Thank you so much for posting this. I really needed this today. Next time I'm feeling lost and caught up in the storm and the pain, I will come back and re-read this. I feel much more centered now. Thank you.


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 06, 2017 12:14 pm 
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Joined: Mon Sep 05, 2016 12:23 am
Posts: 39
Thank you so much for posting this. I really needed this today. Next time I'm feeling lost and caught up in the storm and the pain, I will come back and re-read this. I feel much more centered now. Thank you.


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 25, 2017 3:08 pm 
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Joined: Sun Mar 17, 2013 12:33 am
Posts: 44
This was the absolute best I have ever read on this forum.
Thanks and all my love to you


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2017 3:50 pm 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 12:26 pm
Posts: 17
Yes we can. Whether we stay or go, we must do this, for the woman we are.

Powerful post!


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