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PostPosted: Thu Mar 24, 2016 8:49 am 
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Joined: Thu Mar 03, 2016 7:19 am
Posts: 5
I found out 3weeks ago that my partner of 5 years was addicted to porn and had been chatting to other women online for the last 2years .I've loved and supported him emotionally and practically all these years as he'd had such a bad life before we met.I now know that all of the things that went badly for him were caused by his addiction which took various forms over his life ,and he now claims to realise that himself although I can't be sure after all the lies if he'll say anything to stop me leaving him. I do want to try to stay together as we had something so special in the early years of our relationship before his latest relapse as I suppose it was took hold. He has started therapy but has no clue yet why he has this problem.

To further complicate matters I have my own home 200 miles away.After 5 years of making a long distance relationship work we had planned to start a new life together and he was going to move in with me,look for work and settle down to a new life.Without going into too much detail he has little to lose and a lot to gain from this whereas I risk losing financial security and independence for a man I still love but fear will let me down again sometime in the future.
Advice please.The planned move is only 2months away and I don't think we can continue as we are after his disclosure and yet I fear making a bad decision when I can barely think straight.


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 24, 2016 12:20 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jul 01, 2014 1:38 pm
Posts: 67
I am so sorry this has happened to you. You don't deserve this pain. None of us do.

I wouldnt presume to give advice but after 2 years I can look back and say I was in shock for the first six months and my brain just wasnt working. After that it hit me hard and I had to move out to regain stability. I'm still waiting to see if he recovers - it takes a long time they say 2-3 years plus from when they genuinely commit to change. You have to keep yourself safe physically, emotionally and psychologically. If I was in your position and knew what I know now I would keep arms length until I saw real change. Detachment is essential and very difficult to achieve while cohabiting. Good luck with whatever you decide and keep coming back this is a great site for support. Be well.

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'The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows'. Buddha.


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 24, 2016 12:36 pm 
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Partner's Coach

Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2011 11:36 pm
Posts: 1291
It's your decision of course, but I think you are cautious with good reason. I'd say if you can delay it until you feel stable I think that would be a good idea.

When I discovered another affair a few years ago, I felt pressured to immediately decide to divorce him. I had to give myself time to make such a major, life changing decision. Personally I decided to reevaluate that decision after 1 year, then extended that again another year. Taking the pressure off myself helped give me some space to just focus on regaining my stability, then focusing on healing myself.

Like most, I was pretty focused on us recovering and worried if I did something just to protect and take care of myself I'd be making some huge mistake and hurting his chances for recovery. In hindsight, I see clearly now that really if it is a healthy, values based decision, it is unlikely to derail a healthy recovery on his part. In fact, my emotional reactions were probably more of a threat to a real recovery on his part than my well thought out decisions to delay making major, life altering decisions. :sat: I also see clearly now that his balking at my reasonable, healthy boundaries is more about his immaturity and when I either push back by saying no or simply walk away, a lot of the balking goes away.

I'd encourage you to work the workshop to help you get your feet back under you and help you define (or redefine) your values and boundaries. But my immediate suggestion is to trust your instinct to wait on such a huge decision until you have healed some, stablized your emotions and can watch how he decides to proceed.

Hope that helps.

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 24, 2016 3:40 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Thu Apr 18, 2013 11:38 pm
Posts: 515
CoachAutumn, such empathetic and wise words from you about pressuring yourself to leave, then giving yourself the space to heal.

Randolf, I understand how unsettling this is with a possible big life move in front of you.

I will share somethhing from my own experience. A year and a half ago my husband and I were scheduled to move back to the USA from halfway across the world, and then another D-Day hit. I left the house for a night, left him a note, and mentally and logistically prepared to move back by myself--without him. I felt he had made his choice.

He was seemingly sincerely contrite. He verbally acknowledged his own immaturity. What I thought was a glimmer of recognition from him was enough for me to stick it out and finish the move, with him.

Prior to that, 12 years ago was my first d-day with him. I disocvered porn, cybersex, phone sex, lord knows what else, 3 weeks before I was scheduled to move from long distance to be with him. And at that time, too, he was of course sorry, remorseful, etc.

Part of me wants to say I regret both choices, and part of me indeed does. But this most recent mive back last year was an important decision in me really waking up to his addiction, and more critically, getting the foundation of my life in order.

And my husband, today, is embroiled in active addiction, while I work to get strong and stable enough to leave.

Your partner is likely saying words that reflect two things: 1. His desperation to keep you and 2. A desire, perhaps at this point, to change. He could very well belueve the sincerity of his own words, RIGHT NOW. What seems so utterly simple to us--tell the truth--is a foreign concept for most with addiction. They will lie to protect their addiction, and lie to themselves.

But it is far too early for him to begin to understand himself and his choices. A healthy life is both a choice AND sustained, consistent, proactive actions over an extended period of time, that reflect a deepened self awareness, healthy behaviors, maturity, and, in time, sincere empathy for you.

These will not come overnight. Nor can you expect the full truth from him. What I mean is, it is absolutely reasonable for you to want and value full honesty. But he is unlikely to give it right now.

What you can do is start the workshop, and focus on it like your life depends on it.

And, if you can put the brakes on moving, consider doing so. You can begin now by listing pros and cons of moving vs staying put for a while. Consider all the possibilities, then weigh them out. By looking it your choice through this lens, you can begin to regain stability and make choices informed by what is truly best for you from multiple angles.

I am so sorry for all the pain you feel now. I hope you'll begin the workshop--just plow ahead privately with it as needed. It truly is a comprehensive and life changing resource.

Warmly,
Meep


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