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 Post subject: Boundaries
PostPosted: Sat Apr 30, 2016 5:05 pm 
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Joined: Sat Apr 16, 2016 7:25 am
Posts: 16
My boyfriend has been seeing a therapist and he does seem like he's putting some effort on being honest with me. I have a hard time setting consequences for my boundaries. Today I found that he uploaded naked photos of his ex girlfriends to the computer. That is not okay with me and I feel that he lied to me and not being honest. Now I know myself and I know I'm not going to leave him yet but I do want to make it known that is not okay. How do I set a boundary with this to protect myself?


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 Post subject: Re: Boundaries
PostPosted: Fri May 13, 2016 7:49 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 656
Hi Kris11 - Boundaries were hard for me to learn. And I find that really sad. They are all about protecting ourselves. They are not about hurting others. Just a warning: when we set boundaries for the first time, others, especially immature people, will not like it. But, that's their problem.

I think you need to make it known that what he did hurt you; that you find the behavior unacceptable; that you know you will create some boundary around this in the future, but you haven't figured it out yet.

Painfully, when they are active addicts, they won't care about whether or not they hurt us. It's not in their thinking. They do care about consequences. Like, our leaving them. What we don't want to do is establish a boundary (if you do X, then I will do Y), and not follow through. They will take advantage of us.

My boundaries have changed over time. What I find acceptable behavior, or what I will tolerate, has changed over time. I see that as part of my healing. It's okay to muddle and not know, but it's also imperative for us to learn to say "ouch" when they hurt us REGARDLESS of their response.

With deep compassion,
dnell


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