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 Post subject: Guidance
PostPosted: Sat May 14, 2016 8:57 am 
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Joined: Tue May 03, 2016 10:06 am
Posts: 8
I was about to start lesson 4. My husband and I were both attracted to your program as offering structured tools based on value-based learning, not disease oriented management. We like that your program’s ultimate purpose is to base recovery on becoming a healthy person with healthy values wanting, willing and able to make healthy choices going forward.

But, lesson four’s focus on addiction, well I am having a difficult time with it and here is why:

I personally think Sex Addiction (SA) is over diagnosed, I am not saying it is not a possibility. Still, as Peggy Vaughan http://www.dearpeggy.com/2-affairs/com016.html pointed out, even Patrick Carnes said SA exists in only about 7% of cases. And, yet, it seems to me that the world around us has tacked on another 90% to that total. That being said, like Peggy Vaughan indicated, if a program requires stepping up and taking responsibility, addressing the issues at hand, then who cares the label, accepting help and following through is what is important, which is why we thought your program may be a good fit, especially now that we are without guidance because our counselor has retired and we are about to move.

The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, who does recognize SA, still had this distinction to make:

“Sexual addicts are compulsively attracted to the high and the anxiety release of sexual orgasm. But such release comes with a price — feelings of shame and worthlessness. In contrast, philanderers who perceive extramarital sex as an entitlement of gender or status take advantage of opportunities without guilt or withdrawal symptoms.”

My husband fully admits it was the later with his affairs. That is very scary for him to admit and for me to know, but denying that truth helps nobody. His cheating stemmed from an “I deserve” attitude fueled by a desire for ego kibbles, a sense of injustice, self-pity, an overall victim mentality, and comparing himself to others based on some misguided internal mysogynistic attitudes he carried through life. It is not an illness, it is not an addiction, but it is a refusal to grow up, a combination of character weaknesses and a foundation of mysogynistic ideas, that we think (hope) your program works toward addressing, regardless of the label.

We both hope that your program may help us as individuals and as a couple on the journey forward. Still I wonder, do you support me going forward with your program, and its exercises without believing that SA is the correct diagnosis for my husband?

Thank you.

TigerLily


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 Post subject: Re: Guidance
PostPosted: Sun May 15, 2016 8:47 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Thu Apr 18, 2013 11:38 pm
Posts: 515
Hi tigerlily,

Welcome. I'm glad you found RN, and am struck by both your insights and the questions you pose.

RN is for anyone who has been adversely affected by their own sexual behavior, or the behavior of a partner.

As quoted from the FAQ:

Quote:
More important than the definition of sexual addiction, is the personal definition of a "sexual addict". How do you know if someone is a sexual addict? What does it mean to be a sexual addict? Is there anything that can be done, once the diagnosis of "sexual addict" is made? When trying to define whether or not someone is a sexual addict, keep this in mind: it doesn't matter. If someone is displaying sexual behavior that is for some reason or another having a negative impact on your life (or theirs), then something needs to be done. No matter if that behavior meets the definition of "addiction"; no matter if the person meets the criteria for "an addict".


Neither you nor your partner need embrace an addict label to gain value from the material and workshop here.

On a personal note, I initially did not feel the label of addiction fit my husband, mainly because I was still in denial. Later, I saw patterns that i dicated addiction as defined as a compulsive behavior of his. Now, I again return to seeing his behaviors not as reflective of addiction but rather likely a bigger pathology.

The only reason I detail this is none of it was really relevant in terms of RN helping me heal. And it has. Both the workshop and partner's forum were and are important tools to help me bring back values and structure into my life, and it can for you, too. Even if you dont believe he's addicted, you will find suppirt for you here in the partner's section.

For your partner, you and he may find the following link related to RN's philosophy helpful. It answers the question of "am I addicted" and provides a context that the label of addiction is not necessary to glean value from RN.

http://www.recoverynation.com/main/am_i_addicted.php


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 Post subject: Re: Guidance
PostPosted: Mon May 16, 2016 11:33 am 
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Joined: Tue May 03, 2016 10:06 am
Posts: 8
Thank you so much for your guidance. We have read through it and not having to fall into the SA and TSF mantra were a very attractive part of what made this an option worth exploring. Much of what is here builds upon thoughts, work, exercises we've done previously over the last almost 4 years since d-day, with some new thoughts and exercises as well. We thought it fit in with our path forward. But, when I saw that exercise four with all the discussion of the addict self versus the real self, I was a bit worried that perhaps it wouldn't work. I'm glad to have reaffirmed that I can do these exercises without needing to adopt an SA mindset. I'll work from there.

Thanks again.

TL


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 Post subject: Re: Guidance
PostPosted: Mon May 16, 2016 2:03 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Thu Apr 18, 2013 11:38 pm
Posts: 515
Tigerlily,

With the workshop, even though the education is helpful, if aomething doesnt work for you, let it go and just keeping moving on and doing the work :)


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 Post subject: Re: Guidance
PostPosted: Tue May 17, 2016 7:00 am 
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Joined: Tue May 03, 2016 10:06 am
Posts: 8
:g:


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