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PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2016 5:15 am 
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Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 161
My husband has always been a sulker, bouts of being ignored for days are part of my life. They have instilled in me a feeling of having done something wrong,of being despised. I recall mother in law telling me he was one for going into sulks even when we were dating. I am sure it is to do with the addiction,as it is usually after he has been on pc, etc and I wonder if he is feeling he needs to act out,so is pushing me away,detaching,making himself feel he doesn't want to be here.
But it is so painful,I feel the same as I did all those years ago feeling he hates me. I have tried to tell myself its not me,but as usual I feel to blame,i asked if he was ok..not wanting to bring up any serious talk..still haven't told him about rn and sa etc. I just cant seem to function when he does this,mg head is full of fear of him leaving, it is a problem I cant seem to get past, I cant go on like this, but he wont engage when I try to lighten mood, he doesn't smile at all,I am pretty sure it I the addiction,but I fear he doesn't love me. I am terrified if I do anything,say anything he will just say he doesn't love me and leave..
Do other sa do this, sulk, he wont touch.,look at me. I went to snuggle and he withdrew saying he was uncomfortable, it feels like he withdraws all emotional intimacy along with physical contact. At present I am working on mh letter to him in lessons,and this has brought back so much pain and realisation that this has crushed me over our marriage.
To make things worse I am caring for my mum who has dementia,after my dad died , sk the lack of support during this has compounded my pain. I want to get therapy but will have to wait till daughters exams are done, it just feels I am alone,the person I need to turn to isn't there cor that, T least I know it is due to bin not being able to,part of sa. But I cant seem to get past thinking be doesn't care about family at all.


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PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2016 5:59 am 
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Joined: Fri Aug 14, 2015 10:30 am
Posts: 95
Hi jenny56,
My husband has been like this on and off over the years. If I ever tried to talk to him about something that was bothering / upsetting me, he would nod and listen, but would then completely withdraw from me over the subsequent days. He wouldn't make eye contact and, if he did, would look at me like I was something he had found stuck to his shoe. I tackled him on this once or twice, but eventually gave up trying, and avoided confronting him as it didn't seem worth the hassle. I developed a habit of managing his moods, avoiding difficult subjects or trying to lighten the mood if he was starting to get annoyed about something. It was exhausting, and completely unhealthy for me, and it was all centred around his complete inability to deal with his emotions. The best he could do was withdraw and avoid.

He withdrew on a much more hurtful scale last year around the time that he revealed his porn addiction to me - he was completely cold towards me, couldn't bear to touch me and was utterly distant and emotionally unavailable. It hurt so much. In the middle of all of the pain and anguish of his revelation, the one person I felt I needed the most wasn't available to me.

I went into therapy and learned some important lessons about myself and why I found it so hard to have him upset with me or in a bad mood. In my case, it related to my alcoholic and emotionally distant father. Deep down, I assumed that this was to be expected from a man, that it was what I 'deserved' effectively, so I didn't feel strong enough to really challenge it. Knowing and acknowledging this has helped me tremendously. I still quiver a bit if my husband is descending into a black mood or is annoyed with me, but I'm not 'afraid' of it or bowed down by it in the way I used to be.

Maybe you could consider therapy, if you haven't done so already, to help you to understand why you react this way to his moods? It might help you to feel stronger.

I'm very sorry to hear about your mother.

My heart goes out to you.

Beachcomber.


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PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2016 6:10 am 
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Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 161
Yes,I am thinking about therapy. In my case I feel I have a love addiction if sorts,fear of abandonment,not sure if my childhood affected me,there were no problems,apart rom parents not being overly emotional, I do feel I need to be loved and love,and have queried if I am addicted to husband,ir the fantasy of who he should be. I know I have a problem as I will overthink every glance etc and beat myself up and yearn for total intimacy..which isn't healthy,I sacrificed my whole self trying to make him want me, and I can now see with rn help it is something in me that needs fixing,
Hopefully I am not reacting as I used to,but the pain is hard to ignore but I can see it all as the pattern of behaviour over the years. Thanks for your response, knowing thus isn't just me helps so much


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PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2016 6:44 am 
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Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 656
jenny56 - I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. My husband also sulked and used silence and distance as a form of punishment when I wasn't doing what he wanted me to do, and as a way to protect his addiction, and due to his fear of intimacy. It's very destructive and very painful.

What I hear you say is something that was critically important for me to address in my healing. And that was the fear of being alone. Of being left. In my case, I don't think for me it was really about whether or not I was loved because I was staying in an abusive relationship. I was so fearful of being alone that I was willing to be unloved and abused. This was a devastating realization. I have been seeing a trauma therapist who has really helped me with all of this. I understand why I was fearful, and why that made me "settle" for such an abusive relationship. I no longer fear being alone. And, my reality is that I WAS alone in my marriage. In addition to being a sexual anorexic, my husband is an intimacy anorexic. And that has been very damaging to me.

At one point I had become critically ill and was receiving treatment and during this period of my life my husband really amped up his addictions. He really worked up his search for the "perfect one" and progressed from flirting to actual emotional affairs. When I was in the hospital he had open season on sitting in front of his computer viewing pornography for hours at a time. Did he visit me in the hospital? No, he viewed pornography and went on his search for my replacement. So my fear of being alone really came true. When I needed my husband the most, he was least available for me. This was a painful reality and important for me to finally understand.

Do they love us? Here at RN they teach us that addicts are so compartmentalized in their approach to life that they love us as well as they can. My personal belief is that my husband doesn't love me since he isn't capable of that level of human connection. He's just too scared to connect.

I encourage you to focus on you and your healing. I know how hard it is to stop thinking about our husbands, but really, I didn't start feeling better until I worked on me. I recommend to continue with the lessons and if you are amenable to it, to consider individual therapy. I finally realized that it was too painful for me to continue to live the way I had been and that I needed help to change.

With compassion,
dnell


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PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2016 6:58 am 
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Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 161
Thankyou, I do feel as if I am waking up to a lot of him truths,I had buried for so long..i think I lived in a fantasy, segmenting off all the bad bits,in denial..and yes,a great fear of being alone. Even though as you say ,i have been alone for so long, i suppose its the thing about having given so much,put all my needs aside to keep the relationship going that i almost resent giving up,or having him leave..the fact he is..well says he isn't now,infatuated with someone at work makes me obsess about him finding love and me having to realise he is with someone else..even though logically knowing all his deeds,i know it would mran him suddenly giving all that up,again,me thinking he would suddenly become the perfect mate for someone else..
I do know that i have obviously been damaged ..on tip of being already damaged with this abandonment fear etc.
I am still doing the lessons,and it is helping,though i do keep having these fears and thoughts resurface..yeats of the same pattern i suppose .
I can only say i am so thankful to have found rn,or i am not sure i could have had this insight,and be working on myself. I think the fact i am at the exercise of writing to Sa telling of feelings has left me doubly vulnerable,as i am recalling much pain and incidents which i hadn't included in my introduction and that is hurting on its own,the awakening of what actually has..is .and what may still happen


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PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2016 7:40 am 
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Joined: Sun Jan 03, 2016 9:10 pm
Posts: 30
My husband and I have been married for 13 years, and for us yes, irrational moodiness is most definitely a huge part of his SA demeanor. Since he has been fully committed to becoming healthy, he is so much more even-keeled and attentive to me to me and MY moods. I think that negative emotional stuff comes from him being resentful of me wanting more from him (anything? from him). I've learned through his recovery that he was always selfish and immature in his own head - my needs weren't usually part of the equation. That I needed anything from him, especially something he didn't understand (intimacy), annoyed him. As hard as it is at the point you sound like you're at, take some solace in that it is your husband, not you. If you can become fearless and say ENOUGH, there is no room for SA behavior in your relationship, then he may be forced to get onboard (and by "forced" I mean "wake up" to what he's got to do - he's got to be the one to want to do it, or recovery doesn't work). Then you will be able to stop walking on eggshells. Then his moods will make sense and be appropriate for the life situation at hand. For us now, my husband's rare bouts of moodiness are a sign to me that he's struggling with HIS SA issues. I've learned to give him room to work through them (mentally, through his therapy and meetings) and try not to take it personally (and remind myself that I didn't do anything wrong). He also is at a place where I can gently let him know that I see he is struggling and this keeps me in his fight with him. I hope some of my words have given you hope, because I can say after a mostly horrible first decade of marriage, truly there is hope. Our marriage is getting better and better each day, and I am amazed at what a man is capable of if he sets his mind to it.

~ Kalamazoo


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