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 Post subject: Stunned beyond words
PostPosted: Fri Dec 16, 2016 7:24 pm 
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Joined: Sat Dec 10, 2016 12:47 am
Posts: 2
:t: my husband of 20 years was arrested for child porn! My kids and I are beyond devastated.... I'm at a loss, had no idea this was even on his radar! He is looking at a min. of 10 years to life!!!! What do I do now, how do I help him, help us?! He is a good, decent, hardworking man, never even a speeding ticket, very successful career.....I don't even know where to begin picking up the pieces of our lives :(


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 Post subject: Re: Stunned beyond words
PostPosted: Mon Jan 02, 2017 3:18 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jun 12, 2008 2:21 pm
Posts: 165
Hello mama,

I'm so sorry for your situation. Hopefully you will get a reply from a coach or partner's mentor soon - everything gets a bit crazy over the holidays.

I'm no longer an active poster on this site, but I check in now and then. I can tell you that this is a wonderful site for support and solid information, which may be a lifesaver for you in the hellish time you are entering. Your world is upside down and there's a rollercoaster ride ahead of you... but you're not alone. Hang in and read other's posts if you find that helpful. You can start the partner's healing workshop on your own and eventually you will get some feedback. The coaches volunteer their time and we are so very fortunate that they do.

I am sending you a warm hug of solidarity and a word of hope that you can survive this, and come out stronger.

Take care.


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 Post subject: Re: Stunned beyond words
PostPosted: Sat Jan 07, 2017 7:58 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Thu Apr 18, 2013 11:38 pm
Posts: 496
Dear Mama,

Welcome to RN. I am deeply sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but also hopeful for you because you have found RN, which is completely free, empowering, and a remarkable calm in the midst of the storm you find yourself in.

You are experiencing what is likely to be the most stressful, destabilizing time in your life. Your world has been completely upended. Everything you believed and thought you knew, reversed in an instant.

Every partner here has been at that place to some extent or another, regardless of own our unique experiences. The details and extent of your particular experience is especially harrowing. You aren't only dealing with the destabilization of your internal reality and sense of safety, but the strong possibility of having a partner in serious legal trouble.

You mentioned you don't know how to begin picking up the pieces of your lives. The first thing I want to tell you, with great kindness, is you must focus on yourself, and your children. You cannot pick up the pieces of your husband's life for him. With that said, I understand 100% that your husband's actions and secret life impact your life, too. The point of my statement is that you alone cannot fix what has happened here, and you alone cannot change your husband. Critically, you are not responsible for his recovery, his healing, and his choices.

In your current state, restoring a sense of stability is crucial. Long-term, the workshop is essential for helping you make sense of your husband's issues, the impact on you and your kids, and how you will proceed in the future with boundaries, your values, etc. But, all that will take time and effort. It is well worth it, and I strongly encourage you to use the workshop, which is free, as one of the things to help you regain stability.

In the immediate term, regaining a sense of control and agency over your own life is necessary for your health. Thus, I encourage you to choose 1-3 activities you can begin to do that remind you of your own worth and value. In my own experience, it has been helpful when I choose things that are not, in any way, related to my husband or marriage, but rather are just for me.

Random suggestions/ideas include:
-talking a daily walk
-read a fiction book a month (not about addiction, or self help, etc , though those are okay, too but the point of this is to bring something of worth back to you)
-volunteer at your church or a local animal shelter for a hour a week
-knit yourself and your children new hats

These are just a smattering of ideas. Use them to help you brainstorm 1-3 activities that you find bring value to you and your life. When you do them, it won't necessarily feel easy ,YOu won't magically be absolved of the problems you experience right now, but you remind yourself that you are worthy, and that life exists outside of your current very stressful experience.

Mama, there are no quick fixes. It hurts to read that, I know. I know because I have been in the place where I was convinced that if my husband just would stop watching porn, all would be well. It seemed so simple to me. Yet, that was/is the tip of the iceburg. ANd my journey since that time has been long, and challenging, but my work at the RN workshop helped me first find stability, then self-care, then acceptance, then joy.

With much compassion,
meepmeep


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 Post subject: Re: Stunned beyond words
PostPosted: Sun Jan 08, 2017 2:20 pm 
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Joined: Fri Aug 14, 2015 10:30 am
Posts: 95
Dear Mama,

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. Your world has been turned upside down and I'm sure you feel like you don't recognise your life any more. Many, if not most of us, will have found ourselves feeling the same and can really relate to what you're going through. I was devastated when I found out about my husband's porn addiction and the only place I found understanding initially was here. I found the Partner's Healing Workshop helped me to feel less at sea and a lot stronger in the midst of the emotional chaos of the discovery. I would recommend working your way slowly through it if you can find the time to do so. You are in the midst of the storm right now, but you will come out on the other side and you will be stronger. Thinking of you and your children at this time.

xx


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 Post subject: Re: Stunned beyond words
PostPosted: Sun Jan 15, 2017 4:14 pm 
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Joined: Sat Dec 10, 2016 12:47 am
Posts: 2
Thank you all for your kind words of support,means a lot to know I'm not alone!
Lots has happened, not much of it good....loss of income,our home,insurance, I require daily meds do to a chronic disease so that alone is scary,not to mention my kids healthcare! Also upsetting is the fact that my husband in fact was confiding in what he believed to be a peer counselor,who then turned him in and used his addiction to lure him down this path :( not in my head, in discovery so....hard to believe he reached out and was burned,severely! Attorney hope is to prove entrapment,as is ours of course! Only bright side in all this, is that husband discovered sobriety,clean thinking for the first time in years! Our previous counselor will do evaluation for court and husband says he's never been more ready to talk, get help, he is broken! Our talks are so painful,he finally feels it all and all he wants is a chance to make it right,love me,honor me as he always should have,it breaks my heart to hear him so hurt.
Anyway,just wanted to share that...I'm working a lot now and have been very sick with flu not to mention the stress....


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