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PostPosted: Mon Apr 10, 2017 6:40 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 23, 2013 4:38 am
Posts: 59
I haven't posted since 2015. My life was not smooth sailing, but my partner is in recovery. He sees a therapist once every two weeks. He has been to church. He has done some real soul searching here on recovery nation and in his sessions. He has abided by every single boundary we created together. We really were putting the pieces back together. NO, HE DID NOT RELAPSE. BUT...

He has been named in a paternity suit. :t: A little more than 7 years after a one night stand, a woman has sued him for what essential is our life savings. He did not know this child existed. She named another man on the child's birth certificate. She said she wasn't comfortable taking his money, but then sued him for 4 years of back support (the most the state law allows) and won. It is everything we have in our savings account...and the account doesn't have his name on it (one of our agreements was for my name on an account holding enough money for a fast exit should we ever have problems again), but I had to give it to him to protect our credit score as we were told if he didn't make the lump sum payment, it would go on his credit report as a "Deadbeat Dad in Arrears" until the 37K debate was paid off. We are trying to put a kid through college and have three more about to be college aged in the next three years. We never would qualify for financial aid with such a mark on the credit report.

Part of me is so angry that this woman is wrecking everything we worked so hard for to rebuild. Part of me repeats a mantra of this is just the consequence of the past and isn't a new action made against our boundaries and agreements. and part of me is just plain pissed off at him for being so stupid and gullible. And I'm mad all over again at him for all he has put me through. I try to remain calm in my anger. I find myself doing anger management exercises I haven't needed for over 18 months.

And on top of it, he is being treated like a criminal in the courts. No one holds this woman accountable for her part in all of this...for lying for over 7 years about who the dad was and never telling my husband the possibility even existed. On top of it she claims her son is the most important person in the situation. Where was such sentiment for MY kids when she created this child? And we live 1800 miles away now, as we had moved 6 years ago. So visitation is minimal...she can look at it as a vacation from mommyhood. After 7 months of court hearings, she finally "let" my husband speak to his new son...but she had him in a shopping cart at the grocery store. First contact ever and he is shopping and they are unable to hear one another. What a joke. Women hold all the power in this situation. Being LEGALLY MARRIED has afforded me no protection under the law. I am screwed in every which way and was told to butt out has I have nothing to do with the case...nothing to do with it??? Are they kidding me???
And all because some man raped my husband when he was 7...the irony of the age is not lost on us. What a f-ing joke of a nightmare.
I guess I just needed to vent. I have no where else to turn. The anger I am feeling again was gone...and I don't know if I have the strength this is going to take to let it go again.

utterly heartbroken once again.

_________________
Don't take life too seriously; You'll never get out alive
~Elbert Hubbard


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 14, 2017 9:41 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Thu Apr 18, 2013 11:38 pm
Posts: 496
Dear 1day@atime,

I wish I had words to comfort you, but I cannot find them.

The unfairness and injustice of what you are personally facing as a consequence, years later, due to your husband's behavior and choices, is simply extraordinary, and I am so sorry.

I'm here to say I see you, I hear you, and I am deeply sorry for the continued impact this has had on your life in so many ways. In addition to the fallout from your husband's addiction, you face a system that seems, in this case, unfairly weighted against your husband, and you become collateral damage in all of it.

I want to validate your anger. It's completely understandable. And, your mixed emotions about it all are also understandable. It's so hard to NOT be angry at him and the situation, even if he's in recovery.

You are in my thoughts, 1day@atime. I wish I could take you for coffee or wine.

With deep compassion,
meepmeep


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 14, 2017 7:04 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 23, 2013 4:38 am
Posts: 59
meepmeep[/quote]

Thank you so much. It means so much that someone heard me and has treated me with compassion. There has been very little of that from anyone, certainly not the courts. Some good friends are trying to understand, but with out the full ugly story, I see the wonder in their eyes about why I stay...
I really needed to hear your message.

_________________
Don't take life too seriously; You'll never get out alive
~Elbert Hubbard


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 14, 2017 7:04 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 23, 2013 4:38 am
Posts: 59
meepmeep[/quote]

Thank you so much. It means so much that someone heard me and has treated me with compassion. There has been very little of that from anyone, certainly not the courts. Some good friends are trying to understand, but with out the full ugly story, I see the wonder in their eyes about why I stay...
I really needed to hear your message.

_________________
Don't take life too seriously; You'll never get out alive
~Elbert Hubbard


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 16, 2017 7:07 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Thu Apr 18, 2013 11:38 pm
Posts: 496
Dear 1day,
Youre most welcome.

We live in isolation with this issue in our marriages/relationships.

The number of people who "get me" with everything my marriage has brought is less than a hand's worth. Others simply cannot. They lack the context and experience.

Often i advocate this in my posts, and I will do so again here: your self care and needs must come first. go even more out of your way at this time to give yourself the message that you matter, you are valuable, you are worthy of self-care measures, joy, and happiness. It is the best way out of our collective hole that I know.

I care about you. Please take care of you.

Meepmeep


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