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 Post subject: One year later...
PostPosted: Tue Apr 11, 2017 2:37 am 
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Joined: Tue Jul 05, 2016 7:02 am
Posts: 15
It has been a year since DD and I am wondering if anyone else in this season feels like it's all going nowhere? We have both been doing the RN exercises diligently, we have been seeing counselors regularly, we have reached out to friends, we have scheduled date nights, we talk about issues often... and yet it feels like we are no closer together. He still seems incapable of emotion, his words seem insincere when unaccompanied by emotion or action. I believe that he wants to be free of his addiction and this is why he has been so diligent in his tasks, but when he says "I love you" how can I believe him when there is no emotion on his face? When he is incapable of physical affection? When he doesn't prioritise time alone together but leaves it up to me to plan? When he seems to "shut off" when I am sharing my thoughts and feelings? How do I believe that he wants a deeper relationship with me when he makes no effort to pursue my heart? I wonder if we are broken for good? Should I have jumped ship a year ago? Is it always going to be like this?


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 Post subject: Re: One year later...
PostPosted: Tue Apr 11, 2017 7:12 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 568
Hi Verandah - It's been about 3 years for me since the first of multiple d-days. And, after a year, I did not see much progress in terms of new, healthy adult behavior. What I did sense was a decrease in overt acting out. The more covert stuff....not so much. What I did see was SOME decrease in abusive behavior from the past (angry outbursts, harsh criticism, blaming). But, I did not see any decrease in self centeredness and little to no development of empathy,

At this point, my husband still struggles with authentic, honest, open communication. He still struggles with empathy. He still struggles with accepting full responsibility for his behavior. But, he's a much different man than he used to be. In my view he's not yet a healthy adult.

The more important question for me has become "how much have I changed over the years." And, I've grown and healed. I'm not yet totally healed and I still have more growth to do.

I think recovery and healing take time. I measure it in years, not months.

It is so clear to me now that my SAH's emotional growth was stunted due to the seeds of his addiction starting so young. Further, as the addiction progressed and his identify fused with his addiction, any skills he had developed eroded. Once are addicted partners stop acting out, they have the hard work of growing up.

The real question we face is: is this what I want? Do I want to wait? What are my bottom lines? Are they changing? What is in my best interest? I have learned to detach completely from "waiting" for my husband. Rather, I focus on what growth and healing do I need? And, is what kind of man my husband is in the moment....is it good enough for me to stay. It's not the kind of life I wanted at my age, but it's better than my life has been with my husband.

dnell


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