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PostPosted: Mon Apr 17, 2017 10:02 pm 
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Joined: Tue May 19, 2009 1:42 pm
Posts: 344
Hello, ladies! It's been awhile but I like to check in and update since I think we all share each other's journey...For the new ladies, nutshell is I'm still with my SA husband. It's been 10 years of multiple relapses and lots of work on both our parts. Truth, if I knew what I do now, I would have gotten out years ago. Why? I would rather spend my time doing other things than working on me. That huge truth out of the way....I will tell you the slightly insane however extremely useful thing I did in the name of self-healing.

I looked at porn to purge myself of my preconceived ideas regarding it. I demystified the body parts, the noises the endless repetitive (can we say BORING) nature of the damn thing. It worked.

I started with images of "sexy women" and moved on to lesbian kissy sex since this is my husband's favorite flavor. I even replicated what he did. I waited until no one was home. I watched (not the hours he did since 1. I was bored. 2. I have a life.). I hid my tracks. I didn't get off and I did tell him. He was shocked. Then I did it again. And again. I looked until the Heathers of lesboland couldn't affect me anymore. His SA group is amazed and a little scared of me. I kind of like that.

If you have questions, or would like a list of sites, let me know.

XOXOX


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 18, 2017 1:52 am 
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Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 108
.


Last edited by jenny56 on Tue Apr 18, 2017 2:14 am, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 18, 2017 1:52 am 
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Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 108
I have always been into porn, hence I could understand the need for my husband to look at harder and more disturbing images, I became hooked on looking at more and more extreme stuff as the lesser stuff bored me, so I understood how my husband was getting hooked..I told my husband this at the time . It was odd though that when I have looked at porn it intensified my need to have more, and more exciting sex etc with my husband. unfortunately it had the reverse affect on my husband. He had been looking at porn since before we met, but vehemently denied it, and denied he ever self pleasured either....but he had and has no real interest in sex with me, no ,matter what I tried ..I looked at what I found he liked, unfortunately it was only me trying to please him, like a prop, he so obviously was fantasising I was someone else, and in fact he used me to gain more interest on sites without me knowing. So his addiction and acting out became worse. He wasn't interested in the porn scenarios with me, so while we were doing what he was looking at porn wise..he was still emailing contacting strangers saying he couldn't hold on much longer and needed to do this or that..even though he was doing this or that with me...and mostly seemingly at my initiation while saying he didn't like it that much ..when I was doing exactly what he was asking strangers for! I do not look at porn anymore. as I realised how easy it was to become hooked..and tbh, unlike my husband I didn't want to sit for hours at the screen looking at porn. In that way I realised there was an underlying issue with my husband which differed to me..as I thought porn would bring openness to our relationship and spice it up, while he viewed it as intensely private and separate, infact he seemed annoyed that I was interested in porn or such stuff and often shamed me about it, stupidly I recall trying to get him interested in porn to open up intimacy and he called me perverted, or dirty .. quite hurtful..I had no idea he was already into extreme stuff..real hypocrisy on his side.
In fact it wasn't his looking at porn that was my problem- stupidly I saw him as if he was me, and as I knew porn didn't affect my feelings for him..he would be the same. I spent years never realising anything about porn addiction or anything else.
.


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 29, 2017 5:45 am 
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Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5199
I am not sure that I would agree the desensitization approach, personally, but such "therapy" is used to treat all manner of anxieties.

While your willingness and desire to help other partners is welcome, I fear that your offer of sharing site names will invite some pms of an untoward sort, especially given the nature of our website, Violet.

Jenny56-The reason your husband relates to pornography as he does, differently from yourself, is likely due to a history of shame. In the recovery lessons, hyper-religiosity is mentioned as a context in which addiction can develop. Indeed, most addictions (at least to my knowledge and understanding) thrive in shame. And as you point out, the "extent" of his porn was more "deviant", hence the increased shame. One's mostly learned and inherited attitudes about sex and sexuality (broadly speaking) will have a huge impact on one's sexual behaviours (healthy or not), and on one's attitudes about the sexual behaviours of others. A person who has experiences (environment, socializing, etc) that lead them to believe sex is taboo will have a very different experience than one who grows up with experiences that teaches them a healthy sexuality. The extent to which these beliefs are ingrained is the extent to which they must be healed.

Be well.

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 13, 2017 7:22 pm 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2016 12:26 pm
Posts: 17
Mine could not have my present physically or emotionally in his acting out. He said he couldn't bear to bring that filth to me. Irony.... I'm so glad I found this group. Thank you all.

Sammie
8 months, 30 yr marriage


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