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PostPosted: Sun Apr 23, 2017 3:49 pm 
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Joined: Sun Mar 17, 2013 12:33 am
Posts: 44
Hello
It been some years since I did my partner workshop and my husband his recovery with coach. We had some good years and my husband has some smaller relapse, he stared at women's breast at work but sorted this out and worked with recovery and his values every week and still does.

The only issue doing these years was that he shared he's feelings much better about everything except his work with his addiction behaviour. If I wanted to know about his addiction he said that everything was OK that's why he never talked about it. I told him that it was important for me and my trust that he regularly shared his recovery. Good and bad. But he never did and after weeks when I asked everything was ok he did his weekly check and had nothing to say because everything was find and he was so aware. He shared other issues in life. I still don't really know if the reason for not sharing was that it was nothing going on, nothing to talk about. Our contact during this year was good and I really think he was doing well.

Then I had a crisis, I turned 40. Became irritated at husband and children. I was not the best of me for a year. Me and my husband had many good days but also mean less arguing about nothing. I admit that I was impossible during these quarrels. I always wanted the last word. I always won.

Then after Christmas he started to talk about what kind of relationship he wanted. I agreed in what he said but reacted in how he said it. He expressed himself like this relaionship was with someone else not me and him. We talked I started to be really scared I realised that my behaviour was not good for our relation and wanted to talk and solv, but then he said that he had no more feelings for me, he wanted to get devorced. Out of the blue. I got angry I said we had nice time together for three weeks ago when we where out for dinner just the two of us. And the week before... I admitted that our fightings where bad but in between we had god times. I called a friend I cried I didn't understand. She said to me, everything you tell me point to that he has another women, he is unfaithful.

I did not belive this was the case but ask my husband for the truth, did he have another women again.
And yes, and this time he was also in Love with this women. So this had nothing to do with his addition, according to him. He has a confirmation addition and therefor always ended up with beeing unfaithful, but nerver before said that he was in Love with the other women.

Ok I was devastated, I cant help that I still Love My husband and I was convinced that he Love me. I told him that he could leave if he found his soulmate and had to go, but I also told him I still loved him and that I could se that my behaviour the last year had hearted him. I wanted him to give us a chance.

Then my husband showed his devastation. He was convinced that I did not want him no more because of the quarrel. He had try to tell me, talk to me, but I can se that I was not my best, I didn't listening. Then he shut down his feeling because he did not want to be heart and he though he had to leave me. And to protect his values from recovery he had decided that he should leave me, but he was not able to tell me. I think we had an ordinary couple cries, but .... in the middle of all this he started to talk to a women at his work and he shared feelings about our bad relation..... and she shared about her bad relation with her husband... and they feel in love.

My husband ended the relation with the other women.

He realised that he still loves me and wanted to live with me. We had up and downs but in the end two fantastic month when we both been able to share our feelings. I really feel that it's us again. He really care and I have become a much better me. My crisis is over... but

My husband don't think that his unfaithfulness is a relapse. He claims that he protected his values from recovery. Took care of himself by starting to end our relationship when he thought I did not want him and was bad for him. He claims that there was som kind of collisions between two oppositionen values. I cant see the collision. He cant really explain the collision. I think that it was the same pantern as in earlier addiction. He was not feeling good and he turned to a woman and got confirmed and the only different thing was that he feel in love this time. He claims that everyone can fall in love. I say that it's not ok to engage in another person in a way so you can fall in love if you live in an relationship with someone you love. And my husband agree in this.

Ok, we had problems in our relationship. But he got unfaithful again. That's not Ok. That's not ok even if I had a negative impact in our relationship with my crisis. There is two different things that have occurred here. We had problems in our relationship, which we can solve. He was unfaithful which he should handle.

My problem know is how to think with my boundaries. I love him. He loves me. We have worked trough the worst crisis. He has realised that the affair with the other woman was not good, not ok. He really want it to be good between us again. We have a fantastic daily contact. We laugh again. We love. We take care of our children. We live.
He says that he will look over his values so he will be faithful to me. I thought that most of his values was just about how to be faithful because his adiction always been about other women and unfaithfulness.
I want him to contact his coach again to sort this out in this relapse. He don't think he needs it, because it was not a relapse according to him. According to him the problem was that he was not able to really tell me about his feelings and that our relationship in he's view was so bad that he wanted to get devorced.

My boarders says that if we should go on, I want him to be so serious that he contact his coach again. I think it would be a great help to him if he looked over this situation and his borders with a coach. I think that he denies some of his addiction problem.
I told him this two weeks ago. Then he did not want to contact his coach.

I think that if he goes trough this situation with a coach he won't be able to fool himself. I know that my husband really tries, but I can also see that he has an enormous ability to give himself a nicer picture of reality. I think he always think that he's a little bit better, that he don't make mistakes. I just think that he can learn more from this relapse by seeking help from his coach and get a third opinion. He has made such a progress so fare and I don't understand why he shouldn't seek support to continue to progress. I mean OK if both he and his coach, comes to the conclusion that this was no relapse. Then I can't say anymore I'm not an expert in recovery I'm only a wife to a man I recovery but my boundaries screams "not OK" this has to be dealt with very seriously.

Has he lied to me by omission -Yes
Has he treated our marriage and promises with respect - No
Has he grown up enough to put long-term goals over quick fixes in a mature way -No
Has he realised this? - No

What to do?

/Tahandommej


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 25, 2017 11:38 am 
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Joined: Sun Mar 17, 2013 12:33 am
Posts: 44
It's so painful to realise that I probably will love him forever and that my love is so strong so My soul will break apart. This time it's not much of me that's function normal anymore. My body tremble and I can't stop crying. I must search help I'm falling apart. I'm in such a bad shape, I have never experienced anything near this.


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 25, 2017 11:35 pm 
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Joined: Sun Mar 17, 2013 12:33 am
Posts: 44
Last night I finally understood what so devastating for me and my soul. Why I'm totally falling apart. I haven't been able to really step back when I see my husband slip. I haven't really accepted that I can't make him choose the "right way". I realise that I struggle with this because I love him so much and because I know that his slips heart me so deep. Even if I know it's and addiction, the affairs with other women make scars in my heart.
I have contacted a local psychiatrist. I need extra help, I deserve it and I must take care of me. I will stand strong again and be there for our children.

I found the magic words at this forum. Thanks. All my love to you sisters and brothers that struggle and loves and deserves love and respect.

"There is one truth you must learn to accept. This is a painful and difficult truth. It's something you will struggle with but once you accept it, it will change everything.

This is it:
There are no guarantees. Your partner is a free agent. He may or may not change. You cannot force it. Wish it. Be sexy enough for it. Or beg it to happen. Only he will decide. And you must step back and let him do it, or not do it."


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