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PostPosted: Sat Apr 29, 2017 2:56 pm 
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Joined: Sat Jan 28, 2017 5:11 pm
Posts: 21
I have finally ended it with my love addicted husband, who acted out for four years with secret phones, lies, sneaking around, online dating and physical affairs. Like many LA (love addicts), he prides himself on being kind, "loving," affectionate and considerate. This is only on his terms, of course, and subject to a wide variety of manipulative compartmentalizing tactics that he uses to justify everything from lying to my face to sleeping with other women in order to bolster his self esteem and feed his need to feel admired and attractive. All while making it out like somehow it's my fault, for not being "enough." Basically, I consider the last four years of my life to be emotional abuse on his part, and I'm not going to live that way anymore.

He has non-linear thinking about all his betrayals, and fantasy thinking about what a divorce between us is going to look like. He told me today that he still thinks we can, and wants us to be, friends. He wanted to bring his laundry by today when he picked the kids up for the day, and I told him No, there's many ways he can get his laundry done without doing it here, which would involve two more visits this weekend (change from washer to dryer, then come back after clothes are dry). He said he doesn't have any change and it would be such a convenience if he could just do it here. Then he accused me of "choosing to be unkind" by saying he needs to start finding alternatives to doing things here at the house. No quarters? He could get change at any store or bank in town. Heck, laundromats have change machines. And yesterday I specifically said I didn't want him coming to the house and picking fights or trying to discuss relationship issues. He has no respect for my boundaries, even now.

I told him I'm very familiar with the concept of "choosing to be unkind," as I've been the victim of his choice to do so for over 4 years. I don't think it's unkind to want some piece of mind and emotional space just 3 days after he moved out. He wants to interrupt this fragile healing time for me by demanding to do his laundry here? Unbelievable. So selfish and immature- which is to be expected- but NOT tolerated. Not anymore.

I realize this isn't a divorce forum, and I don't mean to cross any lines here that might discourage those partners who are sticking it out, by posting about divorce pains.

But I need to know, can I continue to post questions about how to handle the issues of divorcing a delusional addict here on RN, or if not, can somebody please suggest a good forum for getting emotional support and questions answered about going through a divorce with an addict? I'm not talking legal nuts and bolts- I mean the continued manipulations, emotional abuse, and pain of continued interractions with a LA/SA?

~TheStoic


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PostPosted: Mon May 15, 2017 1:32 am 
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Joined: Sat Jan 28, 2017 5:11 pm
Posts: 21
So, I realized that since I have chosen to end my involvement in the drama and turmoil of my husband's addiction, that I really won't have much to vent about. He's been moved out for 2 weeks now, and I don't find myself needing to revisit all the painful betrayals or worry about what he's "up to" anymore. My life can be free of that, it's my choice, and my life.


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PostPosted: Mon May 15, 2017 12:56 pm 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Thu Apr 18, 2013 11:38 pm
Posts: 496
Dear TheStoic,
I'm glad this is the case for you. A lot of partners struggle in divorce because of stonewalling and other things. It sounds like you've been able to detach enough that whatever sort of behaviors he pulls, it's not affecting you (or at least not in a debilitating way). I'm so glad to hear this for you, and have hope for your new life ahead. I'm glad you're still here, too.

meepmeep


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 05, 2017 9:17 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Mon Sep 16, 2013 3:22 pm
Posts: 124
I believe it's okay to post questions here, particularly if you have kids together and will continue to have to have contact with him under the circumstances.

I've chosen divorce, have been divorced for a year now (nearly 4 years after DDay), but am still in the process of a custody dispute. Practicing the lessons I've learned here regarding boundaries continues to be part of my process, and it seems perfectly appropriate here on RN. Just because the addicted person is physically out of your life, doesn't mean we're still not dealing with many residual issues. I suggest continuing with your healing, and not just assuming that all the issues that brought you here are gone from your life.

Best of luck with your divorce. While it was incredibly difficult for me to arrive at that, I am grateful for that decision and the positive effects on my kids. It was a tragic and difficult loss that we continue to process with a therapist, but I'm glad they are not under the daily subtle (and not so subtle) influences of their father's addictive behaviors.


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