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PostPosted: Sun May 28, 2017 7:54 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 28, 2014 6:11 pm
Posts: 10
Last night, after a nice evening together, I asked my husband if he could tell me when he adds a female to his list of facebook friends. He told me that he doesn't feel he should have to and doesn't understand why I would ask that. I told him (again) that the openness would make me feel more comfortable, as he had added 2 females from his new job recently. A discussion ensued and the past was brought up. He said the night was ruined due to this discussion, even though it was just that - a discussion, not an argument. He doesn't want me searching for things (and I am past that), but yet gets upset when I voice a concern. Now we aren't talking.

Anyone have any input on this?


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PostPosted: Sun May 28, 2017 11:02 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 577
Whitewave - You have a right to talk about the impact of your partner's behavior on you; your feelings; your needs; and your boundaries. Your partner does not have to respect any of this, which is what happened here. I see classic blame shifting here. Also a lack of empathy and self-centeredness from your partner. My husband does these kind of things to shut me up and to avoid taking responsibility for his behavior. It shows me that he really doesn't care about my feelings if they get in his way.

So, you have been reasonable and quite reasonable given your partner's addiction history.

Your boundaries have been violated. I'm so sorry. It's very painful.

I have found the last thing I should do is to shut up. I need to calmly and firmly tell my husband the impact of his continued behavior. He may or may not respond. That leaves us in the painful spot of figuring out what we want to do in response to these boundary violations.

dnell


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PostPosted: Mon May 29, 2017 3:18 am 
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Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 116
Dnell is right, it is the case out husbands cannot take the reminding, or being made to think about behaviours.
My husband uses shaming..ie "oh,here we go again" etc to stop me in my tracks if I even start a sentence that sounds as if it I going anywhere near those discussions,or possibly bringing up my emotions.
It shows w he is more concerned in protecting his good feelings..he can keep the problems locked away, never thinking about things..i spoil this by jolting him into the reality, of making him think about my feelings. Its not that he us made sad by my pain..i think he just has a totally fakse image of himself he cant face being questioned,its his feelings he cannot face feeling.

Having said that, I try to pick the times I say things about his behaviour, my feelings, relationship issues. If we are having a nice evening,or a day out,a meal,etc I know his reaction to anything to being brought up will be met by shaming about me always ruining good times..and no wonder he does this or that, that I bring down any occasion,etc...i won't give him that satisfaction of making me the killjoy, so I bring up things when we aren't doing anything, and in nutural situations...hard, as my husband can insist he is enjoying any old rubbish on tv so to keep me from trying to open any discussion.
I am getting better at actually bringing up his rude behaviour or his bring out of order pretty much at the time or as soon as possible these days, but it is hard, as his game is to brush off or dismiss me, and for sure no apology or even insight into why anything he has ever done,does could upset me....


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