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PostPosted: Mon May 29, 2017 7:42 am 
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Joined: Fri Aug 14, 2015 10:30 am
Posts: 95
It's almost 2 years now since my husband told me about his porn addiction. I feel we have made zero progress in terms of open-ness, honesty, vulnerability, etc. I told him a couple of months ago that I find it hard to see a future for us as a couple and that maybe we should face up to this. I talked about separation & maybe going to see a solicitor for advice. 5 weeks ago, I brought it up again and he asked if we should try couple's counselling, so I told him that I would hold off on making an appointment if he wanted to make the arrangements. A month passed without any action from him, despite finding time for many many other things. If he can't take action when we are so close to separation, when will he? It made me feel very low on his list of priorities - it seems that his need to avoid painful issues will always take priority over building / maintaining a relationship with me. So, I told him that I was going to go ahead with the solicitor's appointment and investigating that option. He said he feels I have made my decision already - I feel he did the same a long time ago. It feels like there's a huge brick wall between us all of the time and I can't seem to break it down. I understand why he has put it there and I feel empathy for him in the way he is trying to cope with historical damage to his self-esteem, but I can't keep living like this forever. I have lost so much respect for him in the last two years because of how he has refused to confront / deal with anything between us or within himself. When we talked on the phone last week, I began to realise for the first time that he may never see things from my point of view or understand what the real issues are. He seems to see the world from the perspective of a victim and I'm not sure he'll ever really see what's behind it all - or face up to it.

So, I'm in the very painful position of having an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to discuss what's involved in separating from my husband. I can't see any path into the future that fills me with joy at the moment. Separation will be very painful for us and the children if it happens. But I also can't see any happiness ahead if I stay in my marriage. I feel I'm going to need every ounce of strength for the road ahead, whichever way it turns, and it's exhausting. I'd love to climb into bed, pull the duvet over my head and stay in the darkness for as long as possible.

I'm not really sure why I'm posting, other than that this seems to be the only site where I can find true understanding of what it's like to be in a relationship with my husband.

Thanks for all your support to date and please keep it coming.
B.x


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PostPosted: Mon May 29, 2017 12:29 pm 
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Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 566
Oh, Beachcomber. I'm so sorry. It's so painful.

I went to see an attorney early on and it was actually helpful. It gave me information I needed and I felt some peace. Of course it was devastating as well. But overall, I'm glad I did it. And believe me, having someone to talk to in an adult way....it was so refreshing. It made me realize these painful, fruitless, ridiculous "conversations" were not caused by me. Also, the attorney was on MY side. He was there to protect me. That was also refreshing. I shopped for an attorney just like I shopped for a therapist. Don't be afraid to go through more than one. Here in the state I live in some lawyers offer a free consultation and the man I spoke with was great. Really helpful.

This denial and lack of agency. It's mind boggling, isn't it? It really does show me how immature our partners are. It's not just protecting the addiction, but fear about change, about insight, about getting to know themselves, about taking responsibility. And I know my husband is terrified of real intimacy.

I know what it feels like to think there are no good options available. I also know that we can just reach the point that continuing in our marriages means misery. At this point, we have no choice but to try something new. I know how hard and scary that is. I'm still in my marriage but my husband is in active recovery. That said, it takes a long time. It's not just getting the acting out in control, it's doing the hard work and persevering through it to address their emotional, intimacy and maturity issues. I measure this in years, not months. There is no reason in the world we need to wait. As my IC says, I have been more than patient. That said, I understand how hard it is to make the decision to stay or to go.

I send you my virtual embrace. I know how it feels to think I will never experience happiness again. I don't believe that's true, but sometimes it feels true. Keep focusing on yourself and your healing.

dnell


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 06, 2017 5:21 am 
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Joined: Fri Aug 14, 2015 10:30 am
Posts: 95
Thanks so much dnell. The appointment was so painful, the prospect of what we were discussing felt so bleak. I'm glad I did it, but I came away feeling like I'm not totally ready yet. I know I will go there if I have to, but I also know that I would need to feel like it's the best thing for me, and at the moment I'm still not 100% sure. My husband spoke very openly yesterday about his internal struggles and has done some work on arranging couples counselling. I will wait a little longer to see what comes of it, but I'm feeling wary and sceptical. I'm still working away on my own counselling and my therapist really keeps me on the straight and narrow in terms of what's best for me. Hopefully all of that will help to lead me down a path to (eventual) happiness for myself.


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 23, 2017 4:14 am 
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Joined: Sat Apr 29, 2017 3:32 pm
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Beachcomber

I could have written about my partner so much of what you wrote here, especially:
"He seems to see the world from the perspective of a victim and I'm not sure he'll ever really see what's behind it all - or face up to it."
I find the victim mindset really protects my partner from feeling responsible for hurting people and the pain that would cause him and I'm wondering if he will ever let go of that protection and move forwards. It is impossibly frustrating to witness someone being so short sighted!

I also went to speak to someone about how I would stand legally if we separate. It was a very hard conversation to have, acknowledging that is a possible reality really shook me up. BUT I found it empowering afterwards because I was surprised that it could be better than I thought in a practical sense, achievable, and that helped a lot, made me feel like I have a real choice and that people would be by my side through it.


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 15, 2017 6:00 pm 
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Joined: Fri Aug 14, 2015 10:30 am
Posts: 95
Just an update from me.. I found out a couple of weeks ago, by accident, that my husband has been in another relationship for about a year. No wonder I could feel a wall between us. :t: At every critical juncture in the last 4-5 years, he has put himself first and his relationship with me last. I am done now and we are separating.. we will tell the children in a few weeks after dd's birthday. I have no idea at this point where the secrets begin and end and am in so much pain. There is also an accusation from the ex-husband of a very good friend that there was something going on between my husband and friend.. it may just be his bitterness playing out, but I feel that anything is possible at this point. How could I have been so wrong about my husband? Did he know anything other than keeping secrets? I feel his key goal at all times has been to protect his image with me and not show his true self. It doesn't feel like it right now, but I am telling myself I'm better off without him.


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 16, 2017 7:14 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 566
Oh, Beachcomber. I am so sorry. How painful. I wish I could give you solace.

Now we do know why there has been this wall and no progress. You don't deserve this. You deserve so much better. I am so sorry.

Know that the partners here understand and that we support you every step of the way. I know you can do this. I feel your strength. I know it will be hard. I wish you all the peace and joy you so deserve.

With deep compassion,
dnell


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