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PostPosted: Wed Jun 21, 2017 7:56 am 
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Joined: Tue Jun 06, 2017 9:45 am
Posts: 5
Hi everyone, I'm fairly new here. I have been doing research on SA for about 2 years but this forum has helped me more than anything. My husband is not in recovery, he won't try one single thing or even get rid of his smartphone. He just says he's fine & not doing anything but I don't believe him. I read on here several times that if he's not in recovery, he's lying. That's exactly how I feel. The information on RN has validated my suspicions & feelings. He is gaslighting me and has been for 22 years. I met my husband when I was 8 years old. He fooled us all so well & now I see he was faking even then, because he now says this all started when he was very young before I even met him. We were so close growing up together over the years, he was my brother's friend and we did so many things together. All my childhood memories include him. All my adult memories include him. I really can't remember a life without him at all. When I wanted to leave him a year ago, MY father told me they had gotten too used to my husband and thought of him as a son and wouldn't be able to take to anyone else ever in the future. My family didn't support my decision to leave him so I had nowhere to go with my 5 children. I have no one else in this world, I've been isolated my whole life. I have no friends. I used to when I was at school had friends and was normalish. I suffered from abuse at home so I've always lived in secrecy, protecting my abusers. Once I started having children I didn't have time for friends. Now I have social anxiety and don't want to talk to anyone but still wish I had some actual support. Many things I read on here sound so much like my husband it helps me to feel I'm not so crazy & actually probably right about most of the stuff I think. I've learned that he was a master manipulator even when he was a small child, what chance did I ever stand. He has kept me completely in the dark and I feel like I'll never know the extent of his behavior, only what I've caught him at. Over the years though my gut has told me things are not right and sometimes it's unavoidably obvious like coming home 5 hours late, I don't even need a gut for that one. I will never know what happened during those hours, just that it was something he's hiding from me and most likely to do with his SA. The thing that trips me up the most is when he says to me "You're the only one for me, always have been and always will be, if you leave me there will never be another for me." That gets me every time! But, I just read on here where somebody's SA husband told her the same exact thing. It's so hard to believe that is just another lie and manipulation by him. I can't understand why he ever married me or won't let me go if he wants to live this other life why not just go live it and leave me be. The one thing I thought he was being sincere about is now shattered too. That whole "you're the only one for me baby" is just another lie isn't it? Last year he purchased his first smartphone. I was hurt and concerned when he got it because I knew what he was going to do with it. He assured me he would not do that to me again after all the hurt and wanting to die that I'd been through the year before. But sure enough that's exactly what he did with it. He's so super sneaky it's hard to catch him. I could hear him watching videos in the bathroom but when I checked his browser history there were no videos shown so I knew he was hiding it somehow and so they must have inappropriate content. With that little bit of info I basically had to bluff my way into getting the truth out of him. I told him I knew everything he was doing on the internet and about the videos he was watching and that I had an archive I could download and get his full history. Well I thought so but since he was in incognito mode the archive didn't record his activity. But he didn't know that so he confessed to a little bit in the hopes I wouldn't look at the archive and see the full extent of what he does online. I still haven't told him that the archive doesn't actually show anything, he still thinks I just didn't look at it and took his word for what he'd done. But what he says he looked at is so awful I can't even imagine how bad the part he's not telling me is. I really suspected he's been in chat rooms or hookup sites or craigslist ads or something. He says only porn but I'm not buying that because he definitely was scared about me seeing that history, damn it all to heck that I couldn't. I'm really angry a lot of the time because I tried so hard to get away from the sexual abuse I suffered as a child only to wind up in a hell that I never could've known would be my fate. I purposefully chose my husband because he presented himself as such a moral and healthy person so different from the males in my family and it turns out, he's just like them, how did this happen to me. My whole life has been nothing but hell except for the periods of time I didn't even know I was living in hell and was blissfully unaware.


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PostPosted: Sun Jun 25, 2017 8:13 am 
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Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 568
Anng - I am so sorry. I hear your pain. You've been through a lot. More than anyone should have to endure. It is now your time to focus on you and your children. Not your husband and not your family. Have you considered individual therapy? It has been life saving for me. If you are amenable and can afford it, I highly recommend finding a therapist who specializes in treating trauma. For me, I had to address my early childhood trauma as well as the trauma of being married to an SA. I had to try four therapists until I found the right one.

Trust yourself. I can't believe how much I stopped trusting myself through the course of my marriage. Now I KNOW when I feel something is off with my husband, something is off. Trust this. I thought my real issue is whether my marriage would survive. That wasn't the case. My real issue was how to heal from abuse and focus on myself to get the life I deserve. I needed help to do this.

Know you are not alone. Keep doing the lessons. Know that we know.

With compassion,
dnell


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 26, 2017 6:52 am 
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Joined: Tue Jun 06, 2017 9:45 am
Posts: 5
Thank you so much dnell for your thoughtful words.

Over the weekend my husband let slip something he did at work that could cause him problems & of course he was trying to hide it from me but let it slip out when discussing another matter. He was visibly shaken and started to get nervous but I didn't react. I just continued to listen as if he hadn't said anything out of sorts. I could see this confused him as I didn't even ask him for clarification about it later. Now that I know he's been lying to me about everything I've quickly learned this is the only way I get any truth at all, by accident. If I get upset he'll be more on his guard so I pretend not to notice. I just wonder if he's spiraling quickly or if he's always been this reckless. It seems worse now and it's very scary.


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 27, 2017 6:33 am 
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Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 568
Anng - My husband's addiction progressed, as addictions do. He also was not as in control of his secrecy. Things just started to leak and his compulsive behaviors were SO compulsive, he was doing them in front of me. (The staring/ogling/drooling over any female figure that was in eyesight. The flirting. After 30 years of marriage, and he had been doing this all that time, he was doing it so openly in front of me it was obnoxious. Honestly, I think he was so lost in his compulsions he didn't even know I knew). I got to the point I could see when he was in a trance.

And I know what you mean about learning things by accident. What I really needed was my husband to be honest with me and there was zero chance that would happen while he was an active addict and even early in recovery. The lessons helped me understand this. I strongly recommend you do the lessons since they are very, very helpful. A significant sign of recovery AND health is the ability to be honest. To have humility. To be authentic. To take responsibility. These are all adult skills that our partners need to learn and master.

Know he is lying. Know that your instincts are correct. Focus on you and your children. Take care of yourself.

dnell


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 27, 2017 7:04 am 
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Joined: Tue Jun 06, 2017 9:45 am
Posts: 5
Do the lessons, focus on me & my children. I know you are right, I know that's what I need to do. I got stuck at exercise 2, it really upsets me because I'm struggling with envisioning any future at all for myself. I've been like this for over a year now and I've got to pull it together for my kids. I've had a few good days/weeks but then I fall apart again. Exercise 2 really touches on all those feelings I've had & makes me want to throw my phone and scream everytime I attempt it. It also hits home that I've never had a healthy identity even before I was married (at 15). I'm going to do it though, I'll finish it this time.


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 28, 2017 5:50 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 568
I know. Be gentle with yourself. Don't beat yourself up. Haven't you had enough of that?

It's okay that it's hard. It's okay to struggle. I know exactly what you mean about how painful it is to do the lessons. At the same time, for me, I felt like I was doing something to get unstuck.

I really needed to focus on baby steps when I first started my healing. Some days I didn't have even one baby step. That's okay. Detachment and changing focus was very hard for me. That's okay too.

Keep posting here. The partners know what you are going through. You are not alone.

My healing road has taken time. I wish it was faster, but it isn't. But, and here is the good news, things do get better. I feel better. You will feel better. I have learned to detach. It take time, but I've done it. And it is so liberating. I feel so much lighter and more free.

dnell


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