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 Post subject: Rebuilding trust
PostPosted: Thu Jun 28, 2018 10:50 pm 
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Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 6:31 pm
Posts: 71
Hey all,

So I've finished the partners lessons and will be doing the couples lessons (what there are of them) once my husband finishes his.

He's doing well, things are good. Life has taken on some level of balance and quality of life is up for both of us. I'm feeling some _glimmers_ of trust and hope happening.

Its terrifying.

I realized today that a relapse could still happen at anytime and now that I have some hope and a bit of trust starting to build, I'm realizing that a relapse would be more devastating than it was just a few months ago.

I think its good that I am investing again, I do believe we can do this. I'm just really afraid of trusting more, and afraid of what some might say is an inevitable relapse. It feels as if it will hurt more now and I don't know if I can take that.

I'm still doing my daily check in (in my own journal), I take time for myself and am doing a lot of work on my own self. I'm able to really let him have and manage his own recovery and he's doing well.

But. How do I approach these feelings?


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 Post subject: Re: Rebuilding trust
PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2018 6:43 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
Hi - The rebuilding of trust takes a long time. And, as I have learned, watch actions, not words. It isn't inevitable that addicts will relapse. But it's not uncommon.

Do you have an agreement with your husband about what he will do if he relapses? I find this is one of the many things that need to happen to rebuild trust: creating agreements and seeing if your husband meets those agreements. For me, I wanted to know about slips within 24 hours. That never happened. I wanted to know about relapse within 24 hours. That never happened. I don't think my husband has relapsed, but he definitely had slips and he did not tell me in spite of agreeing to. So, no trust there.

The reality is if they become complacent, it is highly likely they will relapse. If they don't deal with their intimacy/relationship issues, they will likely relapse. The person we need to trust is ourselves. Can we trust our instincts when something is off? Can we trust that we will tell our partners when we think something is off? And, finally, can we trust that we have created boundaries and we will stick to them. It has taken me years of work to learn to develop boundaries and to be firm about them.

I see my husband as being a high risk person. I think addicts, especially sex addicts, are at high risk of relapse if they become complacent. That's a harsh reality to accept, but I think it is reality. Can you live with that? I wouldn't blame any partner who responds "no" or "yes" to this question. I do know now what I will do if my husband relapses. I do know now what I will do if he relapses without telling me in a timely manner.

Your husband, like mine, needs to engage with me directly in showing he has developed integrity and is living in integrity. They have to walk the walk, not just talk the talk. And it's challenging for them since they've used dishonesty as a way to manage their lives for so long and in so many different ways. But at the end of the day, the solace I have is that I need to trust myself. Never again will I not trust my instincts when something is off. Never again will I sacrifice my well being to "take care of" my husband. That doesn't mean I wouldn't give to a loving partner, it means that I won't do it in a relationship with a selfish, dishonest partner.

dnell


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 Post subject: Re: Rebuilding trust
PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2018 9:32 am 
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Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 6:31 pm
Posts: 71
Dnell,

Quote:
Do you have an agreement with your husband about what he will do if he relapses?


Yes.We have an agreement and an action plan. He's quite far into the lessons, he's got plans for all of his possible scenarios and we're discussing his recovery almost daily in depth. He has told me about his urges and we've discussed them as well. The one relapse he's had (about a month ago) he told me about within 20 minutes and took responsibility to make amends himself and did well. His actions are showing a lot of integrity, he's definitely thinking about the world differently.

Quote:
The reality is if they become complacent, it is highly likely they will relapse. If they don't deal with their intimacy/relationship issues, they will likely relapse. The person we need to trust is ourselves. Can we trust our instincts when something is off? Can we trust that we will tell our partners when we think something is off? And, finally, can we trust that we have created boundaries and we will stick to them. It has taken me years of work to learn to develop boundaries and to be firm about them.


I can definitely trust my instincts. One of our current ongoing conversations is that I'm telling him every time I feel that something might be off. One thing that has been a major discussion is that I feel that my instincts, while true, won't be accurate if/when he's really in active recovery. So for example: If him being rude and pushing me away is only a sign of relapse or impending relapse when coupled with other actions, say, lack of erection and acting ashamed, then him just having a bad day/being short with me at one point doesn't necessarily signify a relapse. BUT my PTSD about the situation definitely triggers me to believe there has been. My body feels that something has happened, but my mind logically says nothing has. So we've been working on this, a lot of conversation and such is happening around it and that's been helpful. The crux of the situation is, there's no SURE way to tell and it requires trust. When I put each situation through my filters, my lessons, my values, it comes out clean.

So in short, I do feel he's developing integrity and walking the walk. I am trusting myself and putting my own recovery first. I don't fully trust and doubt I will for years but there's a glimmer there, and a requirement I think for me to engage in that and its pretty terrifying.

Thanks for the questions, they are good ones to be asking right now. I do need someone to call me on this a bit, though I do feel he's being honest with me. He is high risk and the stakes are high if/when he relapses. I have a plan on paper and an agreement for when that happens, and it will help, likely a lot, but I've healed enough that I'm feeling very protective (as I should) of my heart.

Best wishes,

Aletheia

PS. I put in a request to be a mentor quite some time ago, but never heard back, do you have any suggestions on next steps?


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