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PostPosted: Thu Aug 02, 2018 12:27 am 
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Joined: Thu Feb 28, 2013 10:59 pm
Posts: 76
Location: East coast
I left...5 years ago this month. He had crossed my bottom line, and then the youngest had begged me to get him out! At the time, it seemed like I finally had "permission" to leave... Ex fought the divorce for 2 1/2 years (but found out later that he was dating while fighting the divorce)!

I never officially finished the lessons, but I've done them all in my head. For the most part, I am more confident and happier than I've ever been! I've moved to a different state, and all the kids are here too, 2 of the 3 with me in the same city. We've all to varying levels moved on. But...

What I cannot seem to do is trust any man, at all!!! Yet, I am so lonely at times. I am conflicted! I find myself missing the companionship, esp in the weekday evenings. For example, I love to watch sports, but not by myself. My kids don't.

I went on a date this past January for the first time in 20+ years....it was a disaster....it was a brunch date on a Sunday. I had met him at a professional society function. But, as soon as I arrived he started trying to kiss me.. I'm not comfortable with public scenes, so I stayed to eat brunch...during which he made it clear he expected me to be "dessert" and that I should change religions so I "would feel free to have sex whenever I wanted"!!!!! I'm sorry, but am I abnormal for feeling so offended??? I found myself hiding for the next several months because I just couldn't put myself out there.

I now feel like although I'm intellectually intelligent, I am stupid in being able to discern anything about a man!!! On one hand, I am content with my alone life! But, on the other, why should I be condemned to such a life?

Then, there's also the, "can I believe what he's telling me?" When I first meet a person.....will the distrust ever end?

Does anyone else struggle with this?


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 02, 2018 11:51 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 11, 2016 10:08 am
Posts: 189
I have remained in my relationship so I don’t have the experience of ‘starting over’ after being in an addiction-blighted relationship. What I have read is that the damage caused by being the partner is very real and needs to heal whether the relationship ends or not. I would suggest working through the lessons properly. Writing your responses down and posting them really makes a difference because all sorts of insights arise just from the action of writing. Your focus is sharper when you write too. Best of all, it’s free.

The man you had the brunch date with was an a—h—. I think you had a lucky escape. I’ve never done the “dating” thing in the sense that I’ve only met people going about my daily business without actually looking for a relationship. Mind you, that was years ago and I know that being single at this time of life is another matter entirely compared to my youth. From what I understand people go on dating apps and meet people (sometimes just for casual sex) as a sort of past time so times have changed and so have peoples’ expectations of ‘dating’.

If you are a woman of faith I suggest you check out Jennifer Finlayson Fife’s podcast regarding women’s sexuality as an integral part of their faith, and that applies to single women too. Mostly she podcasts about couples issues. I do not practice any faith but I found her perspective very informative in the context of women owning and exploring their sexuality, regardless of their marital status. There’s no purpose in having a sexual relationship with someone unless it’s something you want. You are entitled to live according to your beliefs, and those beliefs may or may not be in accordance with the teachings of your faith. Ultimately it’s your decision to make, and that man telling you if you changed your religion you could have sex with whoever and whenever is just talking garbage, and manipulative garbage at that. People with no faith also have the right to choose and to say no. As I said, lucky escape!


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 02, 2018 5:27 pm 
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Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 656
I agree with Blue. Your date was a first class jerk.

I think the reality is it is hard to find authentic, respectful relationships. Of course we have trust issues, but in this case, your mistrust was valid.

dnell


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PostPosted: Sat Aug 04, 2018 2:29 pm 
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Joined: Thu Feb 28, 2013 10:59 pm
Posts: 76
Location: East coast
Thanks for your replies, Blue and dnell.

I can't disagree with anything in either reply. Yes, an authentic, respectful relationship is an excellent description of what I'd someday like to have. If I can't have that, I'd rather be alone! Most times, I'm okay with being alone, I've learned how to make my own happiness. It's only occasionally that the thought of being alone the rest of my life gets me down.

Wishing you both all the best,
Aphi83


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