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PostPosted: Fri Aug 03, 2018 5:26 am 

Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2016 3:22 am
Posts: 164
So, after thinking things could get better, I have once again come across tights in top drawer, told to find tape the other day there, and was looking for card today which husband has put somewhere so not spying.
I feel I am living in limbo, just waiting for the inevitable, in fact these last many months I have been feeling there is little point beyond the company, financial security.. The company has become sitting in bedroom with game shows, on pc gambling, playing solitaire and then reading books.. He speaks when he wants, generally about how he saved the day at work, or how things have been at work, and grunts or rolls eyes if I try speaking, it's hard at present as I am struggling trying to do so many things
Feel no support, as I am goibg through the awful time of having put mum in a home and now having to sell her house and clear it, he has been good in lugging stuff to dump but that's it.
We have lost a card, so looking in his drawer, which isn't out of bounds as his tape in there and was told to find it
Tights at the back.. Not used as yet... And my sad, reaction.. They aren't mine, so where are they from.. Not even using my tights.. That's still a thought crept in, so my self esteem still is low
But it has hit me that after a year of no sex, no interest on his part, and especially as we went for a weekend sone weeks ago, me with new underwear.. And not a whiff of interest or compliment e.. In fact a seemingly good attempt to avoid.. Took his book.. Read non stop while we were in room.
I know in my heart it won't change, but the fear of insecurity, hassle, the kids.. Who live here still..
It's like I am continually torn, I know this is toxic, I know I am not looking for validation any more, its all clicking in my mind, I am changing so much. But I know if I bring this up we will only replay the same old tape.. Well, I won't be begging or apologising or crying, So that's good.
I just feel angry I am being treated like this, and angry I can't find it in me to end the relationship.
I feel I am as I read here somewhere.. Divorcing him in my mind, I realise I am not hopelessly in love with him, I have looked hard at my emotions and understand them more.. Its all clear.
I just can't take the step of ending the relationship, a lot to do with financial security and habit I know.
It's an odd and painful place to be,
I had told myself I could end it.. When my dad died, I didn't, then when I had saved some money, I have been saving and have a fair amount,I told myself.. When the kids are grown, they are.. Two pay me rent, so that would be a help, now I tell myself when mum is settled, she has dementia so it makes it easier.. As she won't realise anything.. It's these things make it so hard, as she loves my husband and always turned to him when dad died.. Even though he never spoke to her at all when she got dementia, and only visited her with me a few times at the home..
I feel time is coming, as I constantly either grieve for what I thought I had.. And regret not having met someone capable of love, and authenticity,.. Yet how can I be authentic like this.
He still wants to move away, I stay silent, In my heartt I can't see how I could live another twenty years like this... I told him this three years ago, and he promised he wouldn't hurt me.. Odd thing to say.. As he already had.. Over and over.
And not so much the lack of sex, or his fetishes, but the, lack of conversation, the lack of interest from him in most things,and the way he speaks to me, and the. Lack of trust.. All I see is us moving away somewhere new, away from people we he can cheat at leisure ..
It's toxic, but I am finding it impossible to just say enough is enough. I look into his eyes at different times, ie in mirror whole driving... Or when I speak about sad things.or try telling him what an awful day I have had, sorting house, visiting mum etc. There is nothing there.. Its the same empty look he gave me when he lied about the escorts all those years ago..
He won't ever change into the man I wrongly dreamt he was.i know that.

Last edited by jenny56 on Fri Aug 03, 2018 11:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

PostPosted: Fri Aug 03, 2018 6:32 pm 

Joined: Mon Jan 11, 2016 10:08 am
Posts: 190
Oh no, Jenny. How awful for you to find yourself in this realisation. You aren’t enjoying any kind of relationship with your husband in any way. He’s absent from your life even when he’s physically present. The total lack of interest in you when you had your weekend together must really hurt. I know how it feels to be stark naked in front of a man who just sticks his nose in a book and carries on reading as if you weren’t there. It’s not just a one-off but just one more event in a depressing continuum.

You’ve tried. You’ve waited. You’ve been patient. You’ve sought to understand his behaviour. At one point you were probably a lot more optimistic about his commitment to rebuilding the relationship, every bit as much as you were prepared to do your share of what had to be done. But he couldn’t do it. You’ve allowed him a lot of time to shape up and he hasn’t changed one bit.

Although nobody can ever advise you one way or the other, you have a realistic idea about where this relationship is going to go. Probably business as usual, is my guess. If you choose to stay in the relationship I guess you could “reorientate”’yourself in relation to him, effectively separating yourself from the him and seeing him more like a pervy lodger you desperately want to keep away from. I know it’s not easy when you have shared finances and property, and kids at home. I know some women who use the time after wanting to end the relationship and the kids leaving home as preparation for when the time comes to live separate lives. They update their skills, sort out their jobs and take control of their finances etc, all in preparation for the end of their marriage.

All the same, it must be a horrible way to live. Staying or leaving, there’s no easy option. The right decision is the one that’s going to be in your best long term care interests. Please take care of yourself and stay strong. X

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