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 Post subject: anger and resentment
PostPosted: Sun Aug 12, 2018 3:00 am 
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Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2013 3:34 pm
Posts: 81
The first D-day was september 2011, that's 7 yrs of this bullcrap, all the lies, headgames, stashes and further d-days, each one more traumatic than the last, and the fake recoveries, the half-ass, recoveries where the name of his game was "fool jackie, keep her and keep as many behaviors/secrets as possible".

I really wish I'd been smart, and protected myself better, should have separated during recovery, to protect me, because the bullshit during "recovery" did far more damage and hurt me more than the full on active time when he wasn't even pretending to stop or try. I don't know why that is, but that's how it feels.

All through it I did my best to not unleash on him too much, to be understanding supportive, although I had many blowouts, where I lost my temper but always felt so bad for it, because i didn't want to impede his progress by adding to his guilt, though in retrospect, he was never really trying to recover anyway.

Now maybe he is or has, and is doing the workshop and wants us to do the couples workshop, although he is still claiming no acting our for like2 yrs, that therapy worked for him, and changed his thinking etc. but recently he told me that he experienced a major trigger and urge, the trigger being me wanting to leave him for good. I told him if that was at all manipulation then it's not working, I am in no way responsible for his addiction or recovery and I know it, I have nothing to do with it. anyway, he says he wants to do the workshop and figure out about the recent urge, just in case something was missed in his recovery. maybe that's the truth, and sincere, but I still think he's doing it to just appease me, even though I told him it doesn't really matter to me anymore. I want to part with him regardless of where he is in recovery, Im just done, but am staying for the financial need and security and for the family. he knows that, because i told him.

but I'm so angry and resentful that after everything I went through, what he put me throo, after all the years of me being the only one to really try, and his games, now he wants to do this? do the couple's workshop and heal our relationship? Now, when I'm done, when i'm tired, and don't know if I have the energy to do this crap again, and I don't really want to, at least most of the time. I just feel so much anger and resentment about it, and a deep anger for the past, like I held it in all this time, never feeling free to let it out, cuz i was protecting him i guess, more than protecting me.

I just don't know what to do with that anger, also a deep pain, a pain that feels like my heart is stil being ripped to shreds, when I let myself think about it, it all comes back, like its still fresh. and i don't know why that is, i though i did well, and accomplished a lot of healing, through RN, and other self work. I never got therapy, can't find one that is inline with SA and partner issues, my last therapist, a woman, said to me "Do you know it's normal for a man to masturbate?" I told her off, walked out and never went back, so no therapy for me. I guess i need some help, just don't feel like I have anywhere to turn. And i don't really have friends, anybody to talk to about everything. I get so lonely and miserable sometimes, all the pain, anger, memories, and no outlet.

I don't know if I can bear this, staying with him, seeing him doing another recovery. I told him straight up last night that in the past, I was there for him, loving, supportive, understanding, with hope and faith, his cheerleader etc, but now it's different, I told him he is on his own, I have no hope, no faith in him, and I barely care anymore. My heart can't take getting any hopes up and being let down again. So i refuse to hope, i refuse to be at all invested. it's when i feel closest to him, feeling any love for him that all the memories and all just hurts so much, I feel the pain even more at those times. I can't afford to love him, or to care, it took too much from me, and went on too long

And all I have left is pain and anger, when I let myself think about it. so mostly I don't let myself, I keep busy with whatever I can find so I can't think about it. Not a healthy way to live and I don't know what to do. I suggested to him we separate for a while, to do what should have been done before, separate during recovery. We are about to buy a house, and I told him i want my own room. He is begging me to not do that, begging me to work the couples workshop with him. I know that its' a bad idea right now, I'm not in the right mindset, it's doomed to failure because I'm not sure how much I care. And as all partners of this hell know, a relationship doesn't work when only one person is trying.


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 Post subject: Re: anger and resentment
PostPosted: Tue Aug 14, 2018 4:32 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 11, 2016 10:08 am
Posts: 177
Jacki, I wrote a reply to you but I lost it due to log-in glitches. Sorry. I will reply when I can. I don’t want you to feel you are alone and unheard.


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 Post subject: Re: anger and resentment
PostPosted: Tue Aug 14, 2018 8:01 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 646
Jacki - Why not give yourself the gift of time to figure out what you want to do. What is the urgency with the couples workshop. You don't want to do it right now, which is completely reasonable, so you can say "no". One of the things Jon said in the lessons that really struck me was something like, "from now on, always put yourself first." What is in your best interest?

I understand your anger. It's justified. But, I agree, you don't want it to turn abusive. I have found my individual therapy is a very good place for me to work out my anger.

You can create and set boundaries. You can have your own room. You don't have to do the couples workshop. You can say no. You don't have to feel bad about this.

I find that I need to gather my strength and preserve my energy to focus on me and my well being. If you do want to separate or divorce, you will need your strength and energy.

Take care of yourself. Give yourself the gift of more time. Take the pressure off yourself.

With compassion,
dnell


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 Post subject: Re: anger and resentment
PostPosted: Mon Aug 20, 2018 5:33 am 
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Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2013 3:34 pm
Posts: 81
I just want to say thank you for the understanding and support, for validating my feelings, for the great advice, for everything.

I still havn't come to a decision but I'm not rushing it. But I do feel rushed to make a decision because we are supposed to be buying a house soon, in the next few months, been working towards it the whole year, and now we are just about ready financially and credit wise, but now, i feel like its a very bad idea to get a house together when i'm not sure i will stay with him. So that is hanging over me, making me feel rushed to make the decision. but, I'm not financially ready to be alone and support myself right now either.

I just have so much on my mind, and feel like we have to stay together for the family, our kids are grown, all but one, but for the grandkids, for my youngest who is 16. I just can't bear to tear apart the family we have together, he loves my kids and grandkids, and vice versa, its a lot to take into consideration. I know nobody can tell me what i should do, I'm the only one that can figure out what I need and want and what i can tolerate and all, but sometimes I wish somebody would :e: :s: :?


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