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 Post subject: gone but not gone
PostPosted: Sun Jul 14, 2019 10:17 am 
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Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2013 3:34 pm
Posts: 92
I'm partly venting here. also, an update on me, and maybe might help somebody else. and as always, it's nice to get some support and validation that im not crazy! and i might need a reality check. I havnt posted here in a long time, prior to today, a year ago. and when i went through the lessons it was like 4 yrs ago.

I left my SA, "D" and completely moved out like 8 months ago. I shouldn't have went directly to a new relationship. i knew I was badly damaged and would probably mess up a good thing (jury's still out on 'good thing')

The trauma bonding aspect made it all so hard for a while. The first few weeks were bliss. i felt so free and happy, away from D, his hidden behaviors and lies, away from the gaslighting.

D had maybe stopped everything at the point I left. I found no evidence of anything. but when there had always been hidden behaviors, the absence of evidence of behaviors meant absolutely nothing. I couldn't trust him or believe. and that meant no future, no relationship to try to save or try to keep. He had lied too many times, hidden things, miinimized too many times. even in recovery and therapy, barely any information, information i needed to begin to feel safe, to begin to trust. I knew that if he had a recent behavior or trigger or even urge, he wouldn't tell me, not until it was either very old or unless i was threatening to leave, then he would throw me a partial truth to keep me. that was the man he had proven himself to be through our years together, and he never proved anything else. so 8 yrs down the tubes. and im not young. I don't have that much time to waste anymore.

so when an old love from many years prior contacted me and asked for me to come back. I went. let's call him Mike. Mike has never lied to me, or cheated on me, or made me feel unwanted or unimportant. ever. not when we were together and engaged 25 yrs ago and not during our many years since where we were at times off and on or just friends.

but the first few weeks of bliss ended when i began missing D. crzy right? trauma bonding. it happens. makes it hard to leave,and then even when you leave, you might miss them and want to go back. so I fought those urges, for a few months. can't say it doesn't still happen, even now, 8 months later, but it seems to be less powerful now. it seems to be fading out a bit.

There have been some issues with Mike. he was single for several years, so guess what i found when i moved in? and one instance of him looking at **** on the computer. when i walked into the room and he instantly turned off the computer, it was a major red flag to me. so i mentioned it and he told me thats what it was. he already knew the history with D and how sensitive i was to it. im glad he told me, he didn't lie. so much better than what I always got from D. and he said it was a habit. i said i wouldn't live with that habit and started grabbing my things. he took the computer and immediately threw it in the garbage. and also the other material, movies and mags. so that's a positive i guess. i don't know. at least it really looks like honesty and him trying to get my trust? so this happened a few months ago. and it's always in my mind.

he asked me if i would be okay with him rescuing the computer from the garbage to retain the family pics on it. i agreed. and a computer is an expensive tool and very useful to have. and computer or not, if he is using porn, (even that word alone is a trigger for me) then, he could elsewhere, phone, out of the house, in his mind. so computer is small potatoes, and i know it. so the computer came back in. I've never looked at the history, have the urges to, but im not.

and i can't trust. Mike is the only man i can come close to trusting completely, and still i really can't. my issues, i guess. so the question in my miind now: Is mike doing it. i told him a while back that i wanted to know, needed to know the truth of it, but i was afraid to ask. given that i almost completely sure he wouldn't lie to me, if he said yes. i wouldn't be okay with that. i wouldn't be able to handle it. but if he says no. i might not be able to believe him, cuz im so messed up. but its on my mind. i need to know.

and as usual, no therapy for me, never was. I have no insurance and barely any money. and ive had some bad experiences with therapists that didn't get it. didn't understand SA and therefore couldn't help me, and actually did me more damage. so im not eager to try again.


One thing I know for sure is that I won't have this behavior in my life. period. if that means being alone for the rest of my life, so be it.
im thinking about it in my life, even if mike said he had SA and was in a good recovery and talking and being honest (which doesn't usually ahappen anyway, at least not for a while) could i stay for that? I don't think i have anything left of me to give in that respect. Im pretty sure i would leave, i would have to.

I don't want to judge mike based on D's behavior. It's not fair. im trying to judge him on his behavior, i am really trying. but thats hard to do.


so, i know that if i ask him to tell me if he is doing it, or how often, it is essentially throwing us in the fire. no matter what he answers. i won't stay if its a yes, and if its a no. i probably can't believe, can't trust, and it will only be a matter of time before it is over. so im kind of in limbo. and i hate limbo.


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 Post subject: Re: gone but not gone
PostPosted: Sat Jul 20, 2019 8:50 am 
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Joined: Wed Jul 03, 2019 9:03 am
Posts: 4
I understand feeling you may never trust again. I was married to an alcoholic, my next and current marriage is with the SA. Wondering if I have a sign on my forehead that attracts addicts or something. I too would rather be alone than deal with active addiction. I get the sense of limbo as well. Wishing you the best.


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 Post subject: Re: gone but not gone
PostPosted: Wed Jul 31, 2019 3:11 am 
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Joined: Mon Jan 11, 2016 10:08 am
Posts: 190
Trust is difficult after you’ve been betrayed, and that’s an understatement. The fact is, your sense of safety is threatened and you’ve learned from experience that trusting someone like you once did left you extremely vulnerable and created a lot of pain. Also, it probably came at you when you least expected it, when you believed you were in a place of safety. If you look at Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, your need for safety and personal security must be met before love and belonging — that is, you can’t experience love and belonging if you don’t feel safe and secure to begin with. For some reason, many partners feel under some sort of obligation to forgive and to trust as if that’s the gracious and admirable thing to do, like we’re supposed to be these saints of forgiveness and not to experience the “ugly” emotions of anger, jealousy, insecurity, fear and all the rest.

It just doesn’t work out like that for most of us who live in reality. Most addicts don’t become rigorously honest. Most addicts don’t disclose the full extent of their acting out. In fact, most addicts lie. The responsibility of trust building belongs to the addict. Yet if they continue to deceive in some way, even lie about things that have nothing to do with their addictions, why should we trust them? If our addict spouses don’t do the heavy lifting in the recovery of the relationship, that’s not doing much to rebuild trust either. Most partners end up feeling unfairly burdened by the mess the addict has created — plus we have to be forgiving, understanding, non judgemental, patient, tolerant etc etc AS WELL AS recover from our own trauma. I don’t know about you, but sometimes I find it such a weight to carry around. And somehow we’re also feeling bad because we know we can’t trust anyone. I don’t what the answer is. After looking at the Maslow pyramid, it’s continuing to take care of my physical needs — it’s too easy not to when you are still emotionally distressed by the situation — and ensure my own sense of safety and security. The inability to trust isn’t a personal failing or character flaw.


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