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 Post subject: Advice needed
PostPosted: Sun Jul 28, 2019 11:20 pm 
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Joined: Wed Feb 20, 2019 6:52 pm
Posts: 4
My husband is a month in recovery and his job will soon be changing to involve much more travel. I am concerned since travel can be a trigger situation and has been in the past. He has asked me to sit down with him and come up with some boundaries about travel that will help both of us feel more comfortable. Will anyone share ideas of things they have requested or how travel for work has been handled? In the past we would travel together if the trip was longer than a day or two. With his new responsibilities it is likely that he will be doing a lot more. Ideas appreciated.


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 Post subject: Re: Advice needed
PostPosted: Mon Jul 29, 2019 8:46 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 661
Hi - I would ask him to:
1) Notify you within 24 hours if he acts out.
2) Upon notification, he will inform you of what he will do to improve his recovery program.

For the travel, I'd want something like:
1) Nightly call to say good night/talk about the day
2) Periodic texts/emails to check in

Early on, my husband would not have been able to do any of this. But getting to these agreements is important.

What I would focus on is what you will do to take care of yourself and feel better. Early on, I would be so anxious when my husband traveled. It was debilitating. I'm not doing that anymore, but I am over five years from D-day. So focus on scheduling things that take care of you and are fun or healing.

dnell


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 Post subject: Re: Advice needed
PostPosted: Fri Aug 02, 2019 10:10 am 
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Joined: Wed Feb 20, 2019 6:52 pm
Posts: 4
Thank you Dnell. I appreciate the suggestions. We discussed last night. It felt tense for me. The relapse was one month ago and in the discussion I realized that we have not had a successful experience of travel when not together. Literally not one. The amount of travel expected with the new position is likely to be cost prohibitive. We have attempted to set out plans like the call and check in at end of day and try to communicate more during the day. The last relapse was during a trip I had that was only 4 days. I had that “intuition” while I was gone and called to ask how it was going and he lied. When I got home he shared a little bit lied again and dramatically minimized when he did disclose. I felt very reactive. I am getting through the tough feelings more quickly but I am so sad that this is the situation and I am feeling a sense of dread about the travel with the new position. During the conversation he had a number of ideas and told me he felt very optimistic that it would be good and he had a good plan and knows others in recovery who have learned to travel successfully in recovery. I hope that will be what happens but I do not feel at all optimistic. I know he wants the new job because the money is better and he feels some financial strain. He is close to another man who is currently conducting an affair with a business associate and after a dinner party I found out that the other man had invited his affair partner to his home with his wife present. He is surrounded by men who are unfaithful and only a small group in sexual addiction recovery. When I see how many of them are unfaithful and dishonest it appears that is the more common thing. Is it just his particular business group or is this the common experience in the world now? I do not know. I asked at the end of the discussion if he is willing to forego the job with the money in the event the travel continues to result in relapse and prioritize the relationship over the money? He said he feels conflicted about it and we would need to make huge lifestyle changes. He understands my concerns and agrees that he has not been successful yet but that he believes he can be. I hope that is true. I guess we will see. In the meantime I have made some adjustments in my life to take the stress level down. The two relapsed this year have thrown me and I was unable to function after the big one earlier this year. I missed a deadline and decided that I need to lower the number of commitments I am dealing with because this recovery is my priority. It does take time and energy. Since the relapse a month ago he has begun encouraging me to go out and do things on my own which has never been the case. I want to feel free to enjoy things in my life again and now I hesitate because my being out of the house was a trigger he has shared with me so why is he suddenly suggesting that I leave every weekend? The distrust is really tough.


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