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PostPosted: Sun May 07, 2017 5:31 am 

Joined: Fri Mar 10, 2017 7:37 am
Posts: 5
Vision of current life
I am confused, full of self contempt and despair, Most of the time I feel lonely, I always have, despite having the love and support of my soul mate and my family, I feel damned because of my actions and thoughts. I don't trust myself or my judgement in anything at the moment, especially with the feelings of those I've hurt. I understand that I am clinically depressed and the medication has dulled my mind, I understand that my addiction was always an escape from my feelings, from being me, and that my battle with alcohol and prescription medication, diazepam, sleeping tablets etc was the same, but I'm struggling to have compassion for myself. I am in therapy, I now have a shed load of reasons for why I am the way I am, but I can't change the past. I currently 'go through the motions' holding down my job, keeping my home, supporting my family despite living on my own, but I am trying to be 'clean' clean actions and thoughts, I am trying to be honest and I am trying to 're-wire' myself. I am attending SAA weekly and this grounds me. I am terrified of breaking, not coping, and going to bed for 3 months like I have in the past, I realise now that I am broken, but I'm still functioning and that's a big positive. 'The penny is dropping' constantly, and little epiphanies are happening that give me hope. I am beginning to believe that my sex addiction is a mental 'illness' just like my depression, and one that I may be able to recover from as opposed to suppressing as I have done in the past. In summary, at the moment I feel like I 'exist' rather than 'living' but I have to hope that there is 'life' and peace (from the hurricane in my mind) going forward. Having read this, I feels like a litany of self pity but it's how it is at the moment........confused as I say.

Vision of partnership
I know I have hurt the one person I have every really totally connected with, my soul mate, my wife. I know the love still exists, over the next year I hope that I can regain our friendship, that we can start again in the knowledge that, rather than suppressing my difficulties, I can understand and manage them, maybe even cure them now that my eyes have been opened. I hope that we can be together, look after each other and have fun together.

Challenges: Still unsure if the depression is the result of the addiction or vice versa, I'm fairly sure they are not mutually exclusive and feed off of each other, but that will be my main challenge. A big challenge will be 'parking' the mistakes of the past and focussing on the 'here and now'. I hope we can be the partnership we were, I know we will have to face loss and sadness but I hope I will be bigger and stronger in dealing with this as well as you.

Experiences/memories: I hope we will be able to look back on our lives and say 'that was fun' we went where we wanted to go, we laughed and did the things we wanted to do, that we had a peaceful, comfortable and honest life, that we watched our son find happiness, that we were good people, that we supported our family we shared our passion, our ideals and goals like we used to.

Whilst I am confident that, after a lifetime of fighting addiction and depression I can see a light, I am frightened of my depression and the impact this has had on myself and those around me. Now that I accept and, to a degree understand, my addictive nature, and that sex is just another escape like alcohol etc, I feel like it is something that can be managed. It will, however, be an obstacle until such time as I can deal with the urges which, at times, are borderline overwhelming. This is a work in progress, and I feel like I have taken great steps in understanding and managing these urges and hope that, in time, my new understanding may alleviate my self contempt and, in turn, my depression. A very big obstacle will be forgiveness, me to myself mainly and wife to me. Communication always has been a big obstacle, but I'm sure with the right boundaries and guidelines this can be overcome. By far the biggest obstacle will be honesty and, whilst I'm confident I can undo a lifetime of instinctive lying, this isn't going to happen overnight and I need to remain conscious of my obligation to be honest with everyone, including myself.

Overwhelmingly I want to be the good person that I have intermittently been and know I can be.
I want to be honest
I want to be trustworthy
I want to be with my soul mate
I want less stress in my life
I want less confusion
I want to find peace
I want to be find joy in the things I used to, training, music, art
I want to like myself
I want to be happy and have fun
I want to see my son enjoy his life
I want to be able to read and study

Partners Goals
To have an honest relationship with me
To be financially secure
To see her son happy
To have a peaceful life
To cut down on her working life
To travel more
To have a nice home

Practical Values

PostPosted: Sun May 07, 2017 5:32 am 

Joined: Mon Mar 06, 2017 2:22 am
Posts: 11
a. An updated vision for the life that you are leading (this may require no effort at all if your current vision established in your individual workshop is accurate)

I have a fulfilling life, I have a wonderful and supportive family and friends, a loving Son who is a good man. I have a good job and own my own home. I am financially secure. Despite the trauma both my husband and I have been through over the past 6 or 7 years we are still supportive and both want to work on re-building our relationship. My vision is to try and 'go with the flow' more in my life, to endeavour to be less controlling. At the moment my state of depression is thwarting my efforts somewhat. I am trying to be kind to myself and give myself time, we are both hurting in our own way.

b. An expansion of your vision in the area involving partnership (specifically focus on two areas: what you hope to experience within your partnership over the next year; and, in looking back on your life from the point of your death until now, what challenges, experiences and memories you hope to share with your partner)

Over the next year I would like to build trust in my partnership with the ultimate aim of being able to live together as a couple. We both need to work on ingrained behaviours which jeopardise our relationship. I would like us to spend more time having fun as a couple and with our son. To cook together more. I hope we can support and help each other grow. I want to be more compassionate and feel less insecure. I want to support my husband with his choice to lead a healthy lifestyle.
I would want my husband to stop lying and for him to begin to forgive himself. That he not only tells me that I am the only woman he has ever loved and his soulmate, but that his actions confirm this. For example, that he plans times for us to spend together, just walking, shopping, or meals, dates other events which he knows I enjoy. I will continue to do this for him, but to also be compassionate, offer support and praise. I would hope that my husband be a man of his word and then when we agree something that he does not let me down (he wouldn't let a friend, colleague or another member of the family down and yet easily does this to me). I would expect that we respect each other's boundaries and encourage and help each other to stick to them. I would like my husband to share and communicate EVERYTHING with me.

The biggest challenges at the moment are my husbands addictions and my hurt and insecurity. My husband is successfully managing his alcohol addiction and working hard on his SA. Hopefully we will lead a long life and all of this will become manageable and not overwhelming our daily lives.

Challenges, death of parents, retirement, addictions, health, depression, family problems.

Memories. We already have so many happy memories of our life together thus far. When we met, married, had a child and all the times in between. Living and sharing our cats and dog. We have had wonderful holidays and family times. We supported a children's charity through our local church which was a memorable and rewarding time. We have both suffered from depression and have always supported each other. Although it is never nice to go through depression, the support and understanding I have received is a good memory, making me feel loved. I hope we have memories of good times with each other, family and friends. Memories of times with our Son, building our house (we have shared this goal), travels.

Experiences. Togetherness, trust and peace. Continue to keep fit, walk, challenge ourselves. Watch our Son grow and continue to support him. Travel, build a house. Cook together. Perhaps enjoy grandchildren. Support each other in our personal goals.

c. A simple list of the likely obstacles that are/will be standing between you and enacting this vision. (Think current or likely future obstacles only; such as inefficient communication rituals, alcohol, lack of forgiveness, etc.).

Lying including withholding information
Lack of self compassion
Repeated behaviour cycles from both
Inefficient communication
Overcoming life's painful experiences
Not being able to forget

d. A simple list of goals that you have for the remainder of your life. (Important goals that you feel the need to accomplish to experience a sense of fulfillment in your life. Don't leave any out. If there is something that you feel that you must experience, list it. For instance, I know that at some point in my life, I need to spend a year or more in the mountains—surviving off the land. Even if it kills me, it's something I need to do to feel like I lived the life that I wanted to live. What do you need to experience—if anything?)

My goals are to be more self confident and assured in myself. To be able to regain my love and joy of life. To be more compassionate and forgiving to others. Also to have a fulfilling relationship based on trust, honesty, love and compassion. Sharing life's ups and downs, joys and sadness. To move into old age with the person I set out to share my life with. For the next years of our life to be based on real life and not just a model of a perceived life. To take life easier on approaching retirement. To travel more. To one day build a house.

I want to support our Son and grow with him as he progresses through his life. I want to continue to share my time with my extended family, Mum, Dad, sister and her family. I want to share my time with my friends, going to the theatre, cinema.

I want to take walking holidays, enjoy the beautiful countryside where I live. I would like to challenge myself, for example walking The Great Wall of China.

I want to continue to keep fit, practise yoga and weight training. I want to continue to grow and learn about this life we live. Oh and learn an instrument and keep a dog when I retire!!

e. A simple list of the goals that YOU BELIEVE your partner feels the need to accomplish in the remaining years of his/her life (Don't ask for these, share from your current knowledge base)

I believe my partner's goals are to achieve a healthy life. To be a good person. To reach an emotional maturity. I believe his goals are to be able to re-build our marriage. To be a good Dad, husband.

I believe he too would like to relax more as he heads towards retirement. I think he would also like to travel and build a house.

I believe he would like to continue to keep fit, to play and listen to music, to draw. I believe he would like to take some formal learning, maybe a philosophy degree. I believe he would like to take on some charity work, which he did in the past and enjoyed.

f. An updated list of your top ten practical values (the areas of your life that you currently derive the most meaning and fulfillment from)


PostPosted: Sat May 13, 2017 7:17 am 

Joined: Fri Mar 10, 2017 7:37 am
Posts: 5
Our Caring Day:

Last Sunday I spent the day caring for my wife. The week before we had had an impromptu meal at a local hotel together which we both really enjoyed and, knowing that she liked this very much, I decided to replicate it on our caring day. On the Saturday, I spent a fair bit of time travelling around (and getting lost quite a bit) to get the ingredients. This made me feel good, like I was doing something special.

On the day, I showed her the ingredients and she was very excited, we spent some time laying on her bed cuddling (clothed) and I asked her to put her head on my chest and stroked he'd hair. I know I am a sex addict, and this was difficult to begin with because I was quite triggered, but, in truth, whilst I adore the physical act of sex, I adore the closeness and affection I feel with her when we're close so the feelings of lust were outweighed by the wonderful closeness and affection. We listened to the birds and chatted for a while.

Then I ran her a bath with candles so she could soak, which she loves, while I prepared dinner. Once it was all going, I then tried to bathe her, this was very difficult for both of us and I was vet triggered, she said she was too, so having washed her arms legs and back I left her to do the rest then wrapped her in a warm towel.

We then had a lovely meal and I covered her in a blanket on the settee and read to her. I felt a bit useless at this because, despite being a highly qualified and successful professional in a former life, (felt like I needed to qualify that lol), the medication makes it hard for me to read and think. Nonetheless she enjoyed our reading.

Then I brushed her hair and we talked for a while. Before I left I brushed her teeth, this was a bit weird but not unpleasant, not something I've ever done before, but it did feel like I was looking after her. She allowed me to do control the day, which I know is not easy for her to do.

We had a lovely time and, as usual, it was very hard to leave her and be alone again. I think I have always cared for her, nursed her when she was ill so the hair brushing and teeth cleaning (although weird as I say) came easy. I adore this woman, I desire her so very much and I have always felt the need to look after her and protect her.

I felt good that I had made it work and that the day had gone smoothly, at the same time I was fighting the guilt and self loathing for what I had become toward the end of our marriage. Managing my addictions and undoing a lifetime of beliefs and re-inventing myself is a tiring task that leaves me exhausted constantly. I know she also gets tired with all that is going on in her own development so we're in this together.

The day made me reflect and served to reinforced what I already have come to know, that sex without affection, with anyone other than my soul mate, is an empty and, frankly, sad act, like masturbating to porn. I understand now that it is an escape for me, from my feelings of inadequacy and futility, that, just like being drunk, stoned or medicated, it's running away from my fears and it is a short lived release.

I do not want to spend the rest of my life in this twisted cycle. I can't understand why I still have the desires, why I still get triggered, I guess that is true addiction. I'm hopeful that I can re-wire myself and my thought processes and I know it's early days and I mustn't despair but, in truth, I'm a little bit frightened.

PostPosted: Sat May 13, 2017 7:17 am 

Joined: Fri Mar 10, 2017 7:37 am
Posts: 5
Value Conflicts

Lord knows I never fully understood the why's and wherefore's of my feelings and thought processes, so it would have been totally unrealistic to expect you to. For the first time I feel that we both have a greater understanding of my confusion and actions in relation to my depression and my addictions, which a clearly intertwined. Labelling me serves to fuel my lack of self esteem and adds to the confusion. Going forward, I would ask you to give consideration to my 'confused' and depresses state when judging my actions. The consequence of not doing this will be to make me more insular, secretive and delay my recovery.

Whilst we are soul mates, and share so much in common, I am still an individual with my own quirks a foibles. We share the majority of our values and, once I am on an even keel, may even share all the same values, I am a work in progress, please be tolerant whilst I come to terms with the changes I have to make over the months, maybe even years. I know who I want to be, and I think you're going to like him. I struggle with memory and what is and isn't relevant, please be tolerant while I make the transition. The consequence of intolerance will be confusion and resentment.

Over all, I have devoted over half my life to you and then our son. I worked extremely hard in many ways to provide the standard of living we enjoyed and still do. You know at times this has been extremely difficult for me and ultimately made me ill. Please respect what I achieved and the wonderful times we have had, as a couple and family, and the fact that I struggled to achieve this mentally and physically. I know recent events have undermined this and fully understand this fact, but overall, I have been kind, trustworthy and generous. I guess the consequence of a lack of respect will be to confuse me more and make it more difficult for me to become who we want me to be again.

As we now know, I have battled my mental state and addictions throughout my entire life. Please continue to appreciate the effort I have made and the toll this has taken, and factor this in to your response to my tiredness and, at times, sense of futility. The consequences of a lack of appreciation will be to fuel my futility and prolong my recovery.

I am an individual. Whilst we share many goals and objectives, we have our own hobbies and likes too. We are interested in each other's likes and dislikes but there is nothing wrong in 'wanting to do our out thing'. Our relationship has always been give and take, but we need to give each other more space going forward to explore our individuality. This does not mean living separate lives, but it does mean being individuals as well as a couple, and not being hurt when one of us doesn't want to do something. The consequences of this will be both of of feeling trapped and resentful. As our therapist has said, we need our own lives too to be truly happy.

Mind Reading
Please do not assume you know what I am thinking, god knows, I don't most of the time. You know me better then anyone on the planet, but no one can truly know what someone else is thinking. Making assumptions about my thoughts and feelings is not realistic. Where I understand what I am thinking and feeling, I will share this with you, please accept this. There are truly times when I am unsure myself, please accept this. Consequences of not doing this are wrong conclusions, bad communication and conflict. This is not helpful in any respect.

Being Realistic
As you know, I am devastated by my realisations, I am struggling to process these and come to terms with them. This may be a lengthy process but I feel I am making great progress. As we discussed, I can't hurry this process, I need to get this right. In the meantime I am still cursed with ongoing thoughts and feelings and the desire to escape them. If I slip, I will rectify it, I will use the tools I now have to manage my thoughts feelings and desires but as they say at SAA, I'm human, I will make mistakes. Hang onto the progress made and, in time, I can become who I want to be. I have no concept of timescales but, as I say, I need to get this right. I don't anticipate utopia, just a happy and peaceful life full of love. The consequences of not doing this will be an insincere recovery and suppression of my addictions and depression. The termites may not be exterminated fully.

PostPosted: Sun May 14, 2017 3:53 am 

Joined: Mon Mar 06, 2017 2:22 am
Posts: 11
Rather than an evening we decided to have time together on Sunday. I was looking forward to the time together and having my husband nurture me. I did not feel in any way awkward about this, because even during the time of his addiction (unknown to me) he continued to be caring. However it made me realise just how far apart we had come as it didn't feel as familiar as I had expected.

Cloz wanted to cuddle. I know he feels a great comfort in this. In truth I find it very difficult at the moment. However, I still have great love for him and want to support him in his personal recovery, I gift him this.

What was immediately obvious was just how much thought he had put into our time together, the meal he prepared for us. Going to great lengths to get it all right, I really appreciated this effort. I found it very difficult to sit back and allow him to take control and it made me realise just how much I control situations.

I found being fed very difficult - again this is because I was not in control.

My husband prepared me a bath, with candles and let me soak while he prepared lunch. He then came and washed me. I felt uncomfortable with this, as I did not want to trigger him and make the day difficult. Furthermore, whilst we are refraining from sexual contact, I too am finding this difficult.

By far my most favourite time of the day was when he read to me. He has never done this before and I loved it. Not only because he read to me, but he allowed me to ask lots of questions, which he answered with great knowledge. This was an insight into lifelong learning of his, which he had never really shared with me in detail before.

It was lovely to have my hair brushed and the teeth cleaning made us laugh.

My husband also brought his letter along and we burned it on the fire, which made him feel good, as though he was destroying the past. I did not feel the same sense of closure.

The time together did raise the trust issues between us as follows:

Cloz outlined what he would be doing during our time together, this did not include hair brushing, feeding or teeth cleaning, which were part of the exercise. I picked up on this, tried to leave it and see what the day brought, but couldn't. So I asked if he had read through the exercise and would he like to read it again. He agreed. He read out the exercise and I said he had not mentioned the above three things. He insisted he was going to include them that he just hadn't thought to mention it. I immediately saw this as a lie, that he had forgotten, and then lied to cover that fact (my view hasn't changed).

There are two ways of viewing this from a trust point of view. I could have seen the time through and the evidence of whether he had just omitted to tell me would have become clear if he had indeed included the above. (My fear of doing this would be my disappointment that despite saying he wanted to stick to the programme to the letter, he hadn't, proving that he is not a man of his word) I realise I have to address this in my boundaries.

Or, Cloz could have told me the information initially and not missed anything out. Following years of discoveries where I have to 'ask the right questions' to encourage an honest answer, I need cloz to be open and give all this information, so there is a clear picture and no room for anything to be misconstrued. We discussed this and Cloz still doesn't understand where I am coming from - it's early days. I am looking at all the positives, and the big changes we are both making in our relationship. I appreciate Cloz's dedication to change and am realistic that these ingrained habits won't change overnight. We need to stick with this for a peaceful and loving future for both of us.

All in all, This time together was a positive start on rebuilding our friendship and establishing a basis for mutual trust.

Thank you Cloz, I appreciate the effort you put into our time together and I will endeavour to be more patient in allowing you to work through your demons and make changes in your behaviour at your own pace.

I may not have liked you or your behaviour at times throughout our relationship but my love for you has never changed.

PostPosted: Sun May 14, 2017 5:46 am 

Joined: Mon Mar 06, 2017 2:22 am
Posts: 11
Value - Lying

If lying takes place, I want to be told about it within 1 hour. This builds trust in our relationship.

Consequence. Broken trust. No contact for 48 hours

Value - Omitting information/deceit

Consequence. If it becomes evident that Cloz has withheld information, this is broken trust. No contact for 48 hours.

Value - Trying to access porn

Ideally I would be told at the outset, but negotiate 1 hour. No excuses that it was late, sparing my feelings, etc.

Consequence. If I am told I will offer support. I will feel that our relationship is becoming one of open honesty. I will be happy for Cloz that he is beginning to live by his values.

If not told. No contact for 48 hours and relationship building starts again.

Value - Accessing internet sex forums/chat rooms/online sex

Consequence. If told within 1 hour. I will endeavour to remain calm and deal with my hurt. We will work through it. If I find out. No contact for one week, to give both of us time to assess our future.

Value - Accessing phone sex

Consequence. If told within 1 hour. I will endeavour to remain calm and deal with my hurt. We will work through it. If I find out. No contact for one week, to give both of us time to assess our future.

Value - Contacting past sexual partners
Consequence. If told within 1 hour. I will endeavour to remain calm and deal with my hurt. We will work through it. If I find out. No contact for one week, to give both of us time to assess our future.

Value - Not keeping your word

Consequence. Broken word, broken trust, unreliable. No contact for 48 hours.


Cloz will tell me when he has been triggered to lie, drink alcohol, access porn, when he has been scanning during our regular conversations. I will offer support, encourage him to contact a fellow SA member for support.

Consequence. No contact for 48 hours

Being 100% accountable

Cloz has offered to be 100% accountable. This means being able to be contacted at all times. I expect him to keep his word on this. Which means he needs to regularly check his phone. I will not contact him when he is with his therapist or at SAA meetings, but I expect him to check his phone for messages when he leaves these meetings and get back to me. Consequence of broken word. No contact for 48 hours.

Cloz will also allow me to access his computer, iPad, iPhone on request.

Value - Alcohol

Consequence. I want to be told immediately or within 1 hour and I will offer support and we will work through it. Not told. No contact for 48 hours.

No contact for 48 hours follows the betrayal. This means if we have events planned we will not do them alone or cancel.

Cloz is already committed to sticking by his values and make a healthy life for himself. Not only is he beginning to be honest and share his recovery with me. He has also committed to SA and seeing a therapist. It must be extremely difficult to make these changes but he is. He is also giving up smoking and has an ambition to eat healthier and keep himself fit.

I too am trying to change some of my behaviours, it is difficult, but I know we both need to change to have a peaceful, healthy relationship together. Boundaries are something I find difficult.

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