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PostPosted: Fri Jan 17, 2014 9:06 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jan 12, 2014 9:45 pm
Posts: 2
Exercise 3 (SA)

Perceived value conflicts:

- If my friendships / relationships were threatened in any way shape or form
- If whenever I wanted to be involved in certain forms of entertainment was taken away or limited to an extreme
- If for some reason I was not allowed time to myself ie going for walks or taking a drive
- If anything else threatened our marriage and my recovery process
- If anything or anyone brings down my positive attitude towards life and health / recovery


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 17, 2014 9:14 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jan 12, 2014 9:30 pm
Posts: 3
Excercise 3 (P)
I can see the potential for hiding and secrecy, an infraction of abstaining from porn; or not telling the whole truth about something.
(compromising honesty/integrity)
I would take issue with my partner choosing to relapse or quit this progam. (destroying trust)
Potentially, I could end up not feeling safe in my relationship if I wasn't acknowledged for various reasons...ignored therefore diminishing my self esteem
ie: wanting to communicate with my partner but he chooses video games or social media over spending quality time with me
-not participating in my life or joining me in activities; making sole/individual decisions that affect us a a couple
-if I detected that my partner wasn't "there" in the moment, or lacks emotion or empathy. (trust)


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 18, 2014 10:33 am 
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Partner's Coach (Admin)

Joined: Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm
Posts: 5200
I encourage you both to expand your responses to be more clear. For example, instead of "for any reason" or "for various reasons", list what might constitute "any" or "various". This will help you with boundary creation in the future. Of course, your response should be kept as unidentifiable as possible, so if there are specifics that would essentially leave you walking around with big red arrows pointing at your head, then edit those to be as generic as possible.

Be well.

_________________
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. (Viktor E. Frankl)


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 02, 2014 8:09 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jan 12, 2014 9:45 pm
Posts: 2
Exercise Nine

As Prudence told me how she felt about what she read, she connected a lot of dots and drew many comparisons from our own story.

Some of the things she told me such as how I would tune out when she would speak to me, I never really thought it was connected to my addiction. But perhaps it is. I can't be quite certain. I can only, as time goes on, see if my recovery changes that particular thing. I can't even be certain if I've done that to anyone else, such as my friends or family because nobody's ever told me anything like that before. In fact, I've always been told I was a good listener and brought myself up to believe that as well. However, now that I'm more concious of this, perhaps I will be able to work on it.

A lot of other things she told me I could not deny. She brought up the fact that she wants to trust me, as she wanted to throughout our entire relationship, but can't know for certain if she can right now. Which, I agree. I don't know how she can. I know she can as I have not been acting out, but I understand that she's having a hard time. She sees small changes in my behavior already which gives her signs that I am changing which is a good thing.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 02, 2014 8:19 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jan 12, 2014 9:30 pm
Posts: 3
Exercise 9
This gave me the space to be honest, and look my partner in the eye and describe how my discovery of my partners addiction affected me. That looking back after the years that I've known him that I was putting together the pieces of the lifestyle. Omissions, lies and deceit. Forgetfulness and absent minded ess. They were things that I chose to put down to age related maturity, hoping he would come along. I explained about my understanding of his addiction lifestyle, that self centred and egotistical behaviour is common; I explained how would I ever know when I could trust him again. I answered my own question and told myself that he will need time and I, patience. I admitted that after separating in early last month, that how I felt then is not how I feel now. I channeled my anger by packing up everything with courtesy and respect; packing as I would like it done. For he is still my husband until further notice, and I felt that I could share today that I felt some resentment for the situation. My adult girls are less interested in his recovery, they feel there is no room for forgiveness for the addiction. My stress level is higher as I feel that my support costs me my support from my adult children. My son, however has been supportive of me while away at college and has expressed that he is glad my spouse is in recovery. The pain that I feel is his absence; the year(s) of lies and getting married to someone whom I now realize is not the person before me now. I am an optimist though and have learned coping skills through other 12 step programs as a result of growing up in an alcoholic home. I need to work on my boundaries (healthy ones) and be able to enforce them.


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